How can so much time have passed?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Øyvind, Nov 16, 2011.

  1. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    It's been over half a decade since what was supposed to be the beginning of a great life happened. Since I not merely saw the light at the end of the tunnel, the light disintegrated the tunnel. In the time that has passed, children have become adolescents, youth have become adults, I have become old, and everything and everyone is gone. And yet it feels like yesterday. It feels like now. But it also does not. At all.

    Only today, when I looked at the sky, did I realize what has happened.

    I'm gonna get metaphysical here, but take it as a metaphore if you're not into that.

    Back THEN, when I looked at the sunny sky, orange clouds, or pink sunsets, or heard bids singing, I felt something. It's been a long time since I felt that.

    That something was a sort of connection. A connection to the people that were most important to my life, people my age that I knew. Being part of what you could call a soul group. Even though we had drifted apart, we were still together, we still knew each other. Although our lives were very different, we were living the same life.Even two years after I had severed contact with everyone, I still felt it. I still felt that even though I was alone, it was okay; that if I died, THAT would still be there. They knew me, they would come to my funeral, they would remember me for the rest of their lives, and we would meet again in the afterlife. And I still think they would come to my funeral, had I died in 2008 or earlier.

    What I felt today when I looked at the orange clouds, was NOTHING. I have left the soul group.
    There is no connection, we are not the same group of souls moving together. I am gone. I don't exist. I feel nothing spiritual, no light making things alright.

    And what feels like yesterday was half a decade ago. I'm not even a teenager anymore, opportunities have slipped through my fingers, and I have been asleep. I am fucking twentyone years old
    ---
    You'd never guess, but the time when I wrote this: http://suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=15978
    was the prime of my life. That was back THEN, or rather, it was right after THAT EXPERIENCE that changed everything and made everything so much better. When I wrote this, I was happy, and I was convinced I was at the beginning of the rest of my life, that I had found happiness permenantly. I had discovered I actually had social skills, and could actually develop friendships and have a good time with other people. I was saved. Or at least I thought I was.

    The reason THAT is gone, and has been gone for such a long time, is because I was supposed to die in 2008. That was the last year I felt IT. I was supposed to die while I was still in the fucking soul group, while people remembered me, knew me, would come to my funeral, would miss me, and would continue to remember me. That's it. It's over. Even dying is pointless now. It's gone

    Confused? You think this is incoherent, incomprehensible, and crazy? It is, but that's because I'm trying to describe feelings that are pretty much impossible to describe.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2011
  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    21 is no age,you've still got a whole lifetime in front of you.You talk as if you've lived a whole life,you can sort your life out. Most people are mixed up at your age.
     
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I think I can somehow sorta relate.. I am 20 now.. and i feel as though I am still 15 or 16.. When in 2007 I should have died.. But I came back.. And since then all hell broke loose.. Now I see a light and have made new friends.. But I still have so many regrets.. and I don't have those old connections I once had.. I still struggle sometimes.. I don't know exactly what you are meaning.. but I hope I am catching to maybe a portion of what you were trying to convey..

    For me.. it is a confusion of where I am at.. Who I am.. etc.. Because so much has occurred in my life..