How can this get better?

[shadowofmyself]

Just the fact that I'm finally to the point of posting here depresses me further.

My life's been nothing more than a complete waste of oxygen. I've been depressed since I was 19, and I was unable to finish college because of both the depression, and the fact that my family is poor and I'm too stupid to ever receive any kind of grant or scholarship (and no one would give me a scholarship at my age now).

I was married, but that ended badly, and it was mostly my fault. I was suffering from severe social anxiety as well as the depression, and my husband was pushed to the limit. I shouldn't have expected him to put up with me in such a state anyway. He left me with a lot of debt and my credit is ruined.

After that fell apart, I took what little money I had and moved to a new city to be near a close friend of mine... and then she moved away less than a year later. I'm still here in this small town where I know almost no one. I work a minimum-wage job because there's no other place that will hire me... I don't have a degree, and that's all people consider here. I am barely making ends meet. I have no health insurance, nor can I afford it, so I can't go to a therapist and get help. I don't have a car, so I have to walk to work, which is two miles one way. I couldn't get another job even if I was offered one because I have no transportation.

So I'm 28, and my life has been a waste. I'm backed into a corner and I can't even help myself at this point. It will never change.

Why am I still alive? Why can't I bring myself to end it?

 

[bluefugue]

For what it's worth, you write very well, which proves you are neither stupid nor a waste of oxygen.

I hardly feel qualified to give advice as my own life is a mess... but I know how hard it can be to get through the day when you feel alone or isolated. If there are any inexpensive classes, or volunteer groups, clubs, activities, anything you can do to broaden your social circle, that will help. If not, hang out here and/or on other online forums. You are not alone and you shouldn't feel as if you are.

Feel free to ignore my advice, though. I have been getting a lot of advice from people lately and sometimes it just feels like an added burden. The hard part about steering a new course in life is simplifying, boiling things down to just a couple of things that can be done. Forward motion in any direction is a start, at least.