How can you keep going when your future seems bleak?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Synpentane, Sep 23, 2012.

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  1. Synpentane

    Synpentane Member

    I just feel like venting a bit by telling my own story right now. It’s a bit of a rant and it’s quite long but I think I really need to talk about it because no one I know care about my pain much.

    I’m a mess right now. I barely feel like going out of bed or doing anything. It seems like the only thing I care about is staying in my bed while the room is flooded with darkness. My mind is all fuzzy and I can’t concentrate on anything and my mind becomes filled with depressing thoughts as soon as it is not occupied. I have issues sleeping too as all those bad thoughts are haunting me and driving me mad.

    From as far as I remember, I had issues socializing and being with people. I can’t say it’s because I hate people or that I don’t enjoy their company but simply because I’m terrified of their judgement they will have about me. When I was a kid, I was always bullied by the other children because I was unathletic and uninterested in the mainstream activites most kids enjoyed. The bullying got much worse in high school because of my appearance as unknowingly I was suffering from hypogonadism. While other guys underwent puberty, I was still looking quite androgynous and god did the other kids attack me on that. Some teachers even made jokes about how they couldn’t decide if I was a girl or guy. I consulted physicians but they all told me they couldn’t do much as some people suffer from delayed puberty and that it would be risky to start a treamtent at this age.

    It was litterally hell on earth for me. People would openly mock me all the time and some would befriend me only to make fun of me in front of their friends. While the rest of the teens were enjoying their youth, having lovers, having a part time job and so on, I was stuck alone and afraid of the world hiding in my bedroom.

    My only saving grace was that I was really good at school. It was my escape from all of this and my way to mend my self esteem. I had good grades so I took all of the courage I had and left home to attend college. I worked hard there and got really nice grades. Unfortunately, I still had my physical issus burderning me and some students aren’t really happy when they don’t perform well in a class and someone looking funny is acing it. I became more or less the freak of program. Once again, I was able to escape it all by studying a lot at the expense of having a life. I was able to get some part time job working in the lab of a teacher so it helped my self esteem. I ended the B.Sc. with the highest GPA of my promotion and multiple prizes and scholarships.

    I enrolled in a masters program since the job market was awful and most people from the program were scrambling to get a job. Moreover, I was able to get scholarships that would grant me more money than a job because of tax exemption. Here the situation started to get much worse. When you are doing a graduate program in science, most of your work is about working in lab on a research project. The thing is that everyone in the lab are fighting for grants and scholarships and it can get really competitive.

    They weren’t happy someone that had won some of the awards they coveted were now working with them. It sure degenerated quickly. Right after the first week, a female student turned hostile against me for that reason and worked fairly hard to turn everyone against me. All of her friends became interested in seeing the androgynous looking guy working with her. They weren’t even embarassed from mocking me while I was in the room.

    Even the academic side started to go awry soon after. My research advisor/boss eventually started to stop caring about his research and work for personal reason and soon I was stucked working on my project alone with a lab hostile to me. The main consequence is that I was pretty much stock working crazy hours in the lab 24/7 to make the project work and had to endure the remarks and comments from the others. I was still able to find time to study and get good grades and since I was doing good the department even offered me a position as instructor for an undergrad class. Once again I took all the courage I had and accepted the job as it would be good for my curriculum. It went fairly well after the first class. While the students were reluctant at first because I looked very young (because of my issue), they soon understood I had the qualifications for the job and they sure didn’t dare to insult me in front of the class.

    I was basically a living zombie from the teaching, the research work and studying but I was still able to make it. My self esteem was still pretty low because of how I looked but at that time I was so swamped that I couldn’t find the strength to consult a physician again. It sure didn’t help that the few friends and my family were downplaying the issue saying it doesn’t care about the look and all that.

    Soon the nightmare was about to end, or so I thought, as my thesis was ready and I would graduate soon. The thing is that my ever absent boss made a magical comeback in the end to beg me to do a Ph D with him. When I explained to him how he neglected me during the 2 years and how I wasn’t interested in continuing working with him he really became hostile. Since I had won scholarships, he didn’t have to give me a salary to work in his lab. I was free labor. Moreover, since I was good at presenting projects and had won awards, it was really good for his curriculum since he would be able to win grants more easily. It more or less ended on bad terms as it escalated. I first told him my plans to pursue a Ph D and I had 2 choices of college. I told him beforehand I had interviews scheduled and he said he was happy for me. I went to both and I think I did fairly well but soon after they contacted me back saying that at the last minute they had no more room in their lab for me. It was pretty strange .

    After a really easy investigation, I found out my boss had more or less backstabbed me in both case as he had told to the new guy in the lab he more or less gave bad reference to them. He once again offered me the position but I declined. I did the deposit for my thesis and left.

    Soon after I had a pneumothorax and was hospitalized. Once again it was the festival of bad jokes and humiliation as the nurses and doctors were all shocked that I was 24 but looked like someone that belonged in the pedicatrics ward. It took months for me to recover and I went back to stay with my parents.

    The thing is that the job market in the field (organic chemistry) got much worse in the country. I had all the issues in the world to get an interview and when I would they would say that there were tons of unemployed chemists with more experience than me or straight out say they absolutely didn’t trust my ex-boss/advisor as they loathed him. Some even dared to comment about how I looked and how I didn’t look serious enough for an R&D position. My self esteem got worse and worse.

    I started applying to less prestigious positions but without much success since I was overqualified and because there was a large pool of unemployed candidates. Time passed and I got much worse. I was becoming more and more antisocial because of my appearance and I eventually consulted a physician again. It took months for him to find the issue, a rare case of hypogonadism. I started the treatment and told myself, well finally maybe it will start to go well now!

    The thing is that I still can’t find a job. I’m even applying for retail and dishwashing position now as I’m desperate but I don’t get any callbacks. I’m really overqualified and all my work experience is in my field. It’s been 2 years since I graduated and I’m still stuck home while with no life.

    I never had a life since people mocked me and rejected me, my only release was my studies and my future on that side was more or less crushed by my boss. I feel like the only thing I cherished was taken from me. I can’t even get a job to make money and study again since I can’t find one. I tried everything. I went to unemployment centers where the ladies working there more or less said it would be difficult to find work with my degress. I tried doing volunteer work but there are next to none available in my city and the closest one would be a 2 hour trip drive to attend and I can’t afford that much.

    I despise how I look even after starting my treatment. I look like a 17 y-old guy while I’m 26 and people often refuse to take me seriously. I just feel worthless and alone. When I talk to my parents and friends they don’t really make an effort to understand and they tell me I should be grateful for having a masters in science.
    I spend my days brooding and being depressed while learning about how people that were terrible to me are now having an amazing life and so on. Life is so fair, right? I don’t think I have much self esteem anymore .

    How can you go on? It seems that in my 26 years of life I had mostly pain. No girlfirend, next to no friends, stuck at home, no job and depressed. When I look at the future I really cannot see how it can get better. If I only experienced pain, how can I expect it to go for the best in the future.

    Why should I keep going?
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Synpentane and a warm welcome to you here on SF - life is certainly very unfair, and the cruellest thing about is is that we can be doing all we know that is right and reasonable to do, and because of peoples' ungenerous hostility and nonsense, we can feel like a donkey in a pit having soil chucked on it to bury it....... however (so the story goes, about this donkey).... he understood what was going on, and decided that instead of his back accepting all the soil he would shake it off and stand on it........and got out!

    People who mock someone because of appearance are really pathetic and immature. Learning some good push-backs, said in a gentle way should deflate their balloon.....something like "Don't we ALL wish we were oil paintings?" or, because of looking too young for your age.....something like "I won't be needing botox later" - you get my drift - just enough to let them realise how stupid they are being.

    I'm afraid I'm totally ill-equipped to give you any advice on career....... apart from to say that with all your brains and achievements there surely must be something out there for you to get your teeth into. Which probably isn't much help, I'm sorry.

    One thing about the future is that it need not just be more of the past, once you have insights you haven't had in your past. New starts and new beginnings are possible. It would be good if your family could be more supportive of you - please try and tell them how important it is for you to have a long and meaningful talk about your situation, and just tell them straight that you need to feel that they can be more supportive.

    Meanwhile, do have a good read of SF and you'll see that there are still some lovely people in the world who are here to listen and try to give helpful suggestions :)
  3. Synpentane

    Synpentane Member

    Thank you for the warm welcome. It doesn't seem like much but I really appreciate that someone took the time to read my wall of text :p . It helps a lot knowing someone in this world spent time caring about my issue and it is a great feeling for sure.

    I'm really down but there is somewhat a silver lining to my trainwreck of a life so far. When I started consulting my endocrinologist, he was somewhat impressed I was able to make it that far in school with my issue. He said people with similar deficiency or disease would have all of the issue in the world trying to follow in my footsteps.

    I mean don't read it wrong, I'm really depressed and I'm sure not liking my life but I know that there are people with much bigger issues right now.

    Hopefully my story might be useful to some fellows here.
  4. Takotsubo

    Takotsubo Well-Known Member

    read the whole thing and i feel for you . i can't believe the people , your classmates WHO ARE GROWN ASS ADULTS , acted childish and talked shit about you . fuck those people . fuck all of them .
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun those people who mock you will get their cruelty the give out back ten fold they will. With regards to a job is there no volunteer work you can do in your field to get the experiance so on job interview it shows you have been working but on a volunteer basis

    Try to find volunteer work any ok as it shows you are willing to give back to your community until you get a postion hun hugs
  6. Synpentane

    Synpentane Member

    Yeah there isn't any volunteer work in the field at all :( . I mean my studies and work experience are related to R&D in the pharmaceutical industry. What I would like to do right now is to simply get a normal job and save money to study something else but I cannot get hired anywhere because I'm overqualified :(

    I even tried applying for teaching at different levels too.

    I tried applying to do some volunteer work but the only one that recruited near me was the red cross in a city that is about a 2 hours round trip from where I live and they said they were giving the priority to people actually living in the city.

    I just want a job, any job at this point :(
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