Ok, so I have been drinking again. I drank tonight as I had friends coming over. But at the same time i brought the wine as i knew I wanted to be drunk. I like wine,i do actually like red wine and there are times when I drink it as i want to. My counsellor has asked me to keep a diary and write in it when I feel things are getting on top of me when i feel like i want to cut. I want to cut tonight... however i know that that wont work and i only have one razor... and i need to shave my legs..lol. Seriusly though, I have tried I have sat there with a pen and paper and tried to write but i cant. I get in to moods and i dont realise they are creeping up on me and all of a sudden I have reached for the bottle, carried on drinking or ended up taking an overdose. I still see that as an easy way out and i have been told it is not. My friend said tonight that I seem better to her and I have changed. I didn't want to tell her that I put on a front everytime i see anyone i know as i dont wanna dissapaoint them. I love living on my own. I can wallow when i want to - i describe wallow as in i can come home and just cry and not have to think about anyone around me. I try to keep a sense of humour about it all, maybe it as as i dont want to face about things.. bloody hell studying psychology prob maks me think 2 much. Can depression and mental illness run in families??? If so I am fucked. I have spoke to psychologists or social workers what ever they are after I have been in hospital and i wanna get out so they ask if i still feel the same and if i go home will it happen again... do they not realise that i say i am not considering so that i can go home, where as really i am thinking of how i can do it again and just end everything. I was planning on tonght as being The NIGHT, but I stopped my self from buying the drugs. Last time I took nearly <Mod Edit: methods>but didnt work so i planned prob needed to go to bout 3 or 4 differnt shops which i couldnt be bothered to do. I am scarde but at tyhe same time i feel numb and dead and as though it is my body just psyiologically existing(sorry i can not spell and have no regards for punctuation). So there is a nice bottle of red in the cpboard, and a shop across the road, maybe i can jump in front of a car before i get to the shop or get to the shop<Mod Edit: methods> and then go to a different one. I could drive to a different one but maybe id get pulled by the cops and then never get to follow it through... SHIT i should have plANNED and thought this out before!!!!