How could this be possible?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by OneChance, Feb 18, 2007.

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  1. OneChance

    OneChance Guest

    Okay, I'm sorry if you think i'm stupid after reading this. I know how crazy it sounds, that's the exact reason I haven't spoken to anyone about it. You see, I'll feel as if I'm the only one who gets it and no one around me understands but, that's kinda hard if I don't tell them. It's hard to explain to my mother why my eyes get teary at random moments. Okay. I'm in love. With someone over ten years older than me. And I know, I KNOW it's the real deal. I've liked people before and I thought I'd loved them but, it was nothing like this. And plus, why would I be so upset about it all? How could I have fallen in love with...It's immoral. And I hate society for that. Society is all the keeps us apart. I know, I's silly. I've though so too. But, it hurts. Because that someone is in a relationship with someone thier age and I can't stop thinking about it. And at just the wrong moments it'll hit me so hard and i'm running to my room trying to keep my screaming to a minimum. I'll get so angry at myself and started literally punching myself asking 'Why did I have to be born so late?' It was time, it's times fault, and who can change time? I'm sure everyone on here knows the answer to that. No one and nothing can change time. When people fall in love with someone and they don't love you back you wonder 'how could I change?' or 'Why am I a mistake?' or something of the sort. For me it's different. That someone COULD have loved me..had I been born at an earlier date but, there is no chance whatsoever, really. And i've realized that, and when I actually think about it makes me want to become somebody, it gives me energy, it makes me want to go out there and make that person see me. But, other times I just cry and scream and wish it were over because, whats the point in living a life without love? That's what we think about when we are little 'I'll grow up, get married, have kids, wonderful life.' But, sometimes(most of the time) it just doesn't happen that way... And you know, the only person I feel some type of love from is my mother. And I hate it when she has boyfriends bcause, I want her to love me, and me only because she's all I have. I don't want to be really alone, even if she's clueless to what I feel. I don't know. I do get really upset sometimes. Like, the other day. I was in my bathtub a knife in hand. Note on the mirror stating, ' I love you til I die' Then included the persons name. It was late at night. My mother and I had aruged earlier, she was asleep on the couch now. I whispered, 'I have a nice treat for you in the morning.' then moved in to end it all, when I heard a knock on the door. It was my brother. He wanted me to come listen to some funny songs on his computer. I stopped and got out of the tub and laughed the night away with him. Had it not been for my brother..I don't think i'd be here typing this now. It was chance, or maybe fate. Either way, I'm not yet dead. I don't really know why I decided to post this here. To let somebody know? To just get it off my chest, to not have it all bottled up inside, maybe? You might think i'm really stupid but, I don't care. This is mine, these are my feelings.
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Love might make us do things that look stupid to others but it certainly isnt to us. Love can put a thousand different thoughts in your head, and stop you thinking at all. Can make us laugh and cry. The only advice I can give you is that if you don't keep a straight head then you could lose a chance at love and will regret it. I can understand about that person you love. But if they don't show it back then that's not fair on you. Age limitations are nothing unusual. My sister is going out with a guy 20 years her senior. What matters is the mutuality of it. Find out what this person really thinks about you. And don't dispair if it comes to nothing because if you give yourself a chance you can find love even stronger than what youve ever known. You said so yourself. I've never loved anyone like this before. How do you know theres not someone else out there who you could love even more, and who will love you back.
    Does the thought of lonliness scare you? Are you lonely? By that I don't mean are there any people there, I mean do you have anyone you can openly talk to about this sort of thing? You were lucky your brother knocked at that time. You must love your mum and can you imagine what it must be like to walk into the bathroom and see her child all cut up like that. You need to tell your mum about these things so you have a confidant to talk to. Someone you trust.
    And at the very least if you think your gonna do something like that again, come back on here and tell people.
    If people thought you were stupid for having feelings they wouldnt complain about computers so much ;) No one wants to be a robot.
    Hang in there.
  3. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni


    I just want to point out that yuur love for this guy is not from this guy, it's from you! Your reaction to this guy is love. This is a very hopeful thing because it means you CAN love. The love is your gift to him, or others. The fact that you can love means you will be able to loive again.

    I strongly recommend not dwelling much on the fact this guy did not receive your gift and return it. Some people simply are not able to love.. though they seem perfectly capable of lust. When you let go and move on you open yourself for another opportunity. I guess thats why it is often said that love hurts. Because love is a very powerful and grand emotion, but when it's rejected it hurts like #@$! In fact, even when it is accepted there can be strains on our love and that can hurt a lot too.

    So, take your time to really get to know someone. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, so to speak. Protect yourself. However, don't be so guarded you never give your love again. You did nothing wrong, it's ok to love and to give your love to others.

    Last note: you currently have a "broken heart" as you are hurting from the rejection and confusion. It is often natural to "look" for a replacement to bring that flame of love back. Or, to keep holding on to the one you love in an effort to keep love alive. But, love that is given and not returned can be a strain and isn'[t the same as love returned. Sometimes we may choose to settle for it because we are too scared to try again or cause we are too obsessed or we feel unworthy of to recieve love since it was rejected. We can become afraid no one will ever love us. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Give yourself time to heal and keep telling yourself the truth. That it's ok to love, that you did nothing wrong, that you are capable of loving and someday you will find someone who will love you back. Cause it's true. :)
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