How crap is my life?

[bellamuerte]

How crap is my life? I have depression.?
I've suffered from depression all my life. I had an "absentee father", well i still have one obviously. I know a few friends without fathers but at least theirs are dead, mine is still alive and continues to live everyday without giving a **** about me or my little brother. I now go to college on the same street he lives on so everyday is a painful reminder of how unworthy and **** i am.

I've been in a few relationships but I can't seem to forget my first love, it upsets me so much. I self-harm but I know its no good. He broke up with me over txt over a year ago and I still see him around regularly but he ignores me and I ignore him. I guess I never got the chance to say what I needed to. He continues to contact me by facebook and txt even though he's had two gfs since and ive been with someone else too but im currently single because i ruined that relationship because i never let go of him. Most of his messages are "hey why dont we talk anymore? " etc, I tried talking to him in real life a few months ago and it was horrible, he totally blew me off. So I dont reply anymore because I dont see the point. Yet I still continue to believe he'll grow a spine someday and talk to me. He was my first love and I gave him everything, until him I didn't have a male in my life so I was naiive and stupid. He knew about my depression but he obviously doesnt care or understand. The ****** up part is that I'm still friends with his friends. I'm not mad at him I just want to be happy. Two minutes of his time would solve months and months of my hurting. Is it so wrong to believe in people?

I just want to run away.

 

[lkt]

yea, you should be in deep pain right now, i kinda understand what is to have a father who don't give a **** about you, and how it's hard to "get rid" of some feelings for someone, and at times like this you gotta take life, day by day, week by week, second by second if you need to... sometimes life is gonna hit you with all it's might, and at these times you gotta endure yourself to bear it, i ain't that much of help, but i hope at least that by knowing that you're not the only who's like that should help you go on.

 

[peacelovingguy]

Hey Bellamuerte - sorry to see you in such low spirits.

As for absentee fathers, I've dealt with that as a relatives dad left him when he was just little kid. Thankfully he has grow to be a decent man and will not be leaving his child.

It must be painful walking past the street your father lives in - but you should NOT feel worthless just because HE has brushed aside his duty and responsibility to you and your little brother. It is he who is selfish - you and your brother, and your mum - need to stick together - support each other and so on.

If anyone is unworthy it is your biological father. I'd say if he has not contacted you before you are in your teens - he is not worth knowing. I know it hurts that things are so - but take heart that you have survived what must have been troubling years - and you need to be there for your little brother and mother - if you are getting along with mum (I hope you are)

As for relationships - I'm more concerned about education but we'll get to that.

Not sure how old you are but in college you must be in your late teens. Your old enough to date someone who is appropriate for you - and as for this man who seems to have made you carry a torch for him (you still have feelings in other words) I guess he might be a bit immature - maybe he does need to 'man up' and grow a spine! But don't be too harsh on him - after all, maybe he was hurt when you broke up - but that said - if a man breaks up by text message - maybe its not so much a spine he needs - maybe he needs a lesson in basic politeness, chivalry - tell you to your face.

It is always difficult to advise anyone to go one way or the other in cases like this. In affairs of the heart - I guess its often just a gamble. That said common sense has to be considered and that is were other people come in. It is hard for someone in love or carrying a passion to be impartial in judgement. All too often we see only what we want to see and the parts others reveal to us (character traits I mean)

Your first love is bound to hold a place in your heart. That said you should not obsess about someone. Another thing to beware of is being played for a fool or taken for granted.

In summary, IF you have feelings for this man - and think he has changed - you should either ask him out or write him off ASAP. He might think you are brushing him off - after all men tend to take great offence at the tiniest of put-downs from a women. We misread things also - and sometimes need saving from our own selves.

The thing is - your already feeling insecure so I would not want you battling the genuine depression that comes from losing a lover on top of what you already have. Then again you've already been through it once - and it is still an open wound. Perhaps it may be best to phone this man - tell him how you feel - if he is still single. Do not give him too many chances though - because I'm sure many other men would perhaps court you in a manner more befitting.

If he does not want you - it is his hard luck. You WILL get a over any man who does not love you in return - the sooner the better.

As for all the rest of it - you mention passing on the way to college - but what studies are you pursuing and do you have any plans or ideas about what you'd like to do? Sure - you want to be loved - but that will happen in due course and in the meantime I hope you are studying hard and getting through the courses OK.

How does you mum fare in all this? Hope you get along with her.

Good luck and don't lose faith in life over a man who has the nerve to end a romance via text. If he has matured - go for it - if not, don't waste your time.

Get some help also if this depression gets really bad. You are coping great so far - your a strong person and will become more so as you grow older. A little bit more confidence and you'll be more the person you'd like to be which is someone happy in themselves.

Regards - keep the faith, don't put yourself down!