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How did it get so bad so fast?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by notalways, Dec 1, 2010.

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  1. notalways

    notalways Member

    A year ago I was really truly happy, six months ago I was discontent with my life but working to make it better, three months ago I was unhappy and making huge changes to try and fix things, two weeks ago I was really hopeful and things were going in the right direction to get where a needed to be, today I am having panic attacks so bad I can hardly breath and thinking of the best way to kill myself.

    I don't even know what to say about my situation right now. I think the only reason I am posting here instead of having just killed myself an hour ago was while I was trying to figure out the best way to do it with what I have around the house a friend gave me a call and it distracted me, not that they knew thats what I was doing.

    So now instead I have a big hole I made in my door from taking my anger out of that and am laying here crying not sure what I am typing about. I have an appointment to go see my doctor tomorrow, I don't know what I am going to tell them. I had been on a lot of prescription medication that I stopped taking all at once about a week ago. I know they are going to be mad at me. I didn't like having to take 11 pills a day to be 'normal', and I was drinking on them anyway so I kept having blackouts which is the main reason I stopped taking them.

    A year ago I was newly married, just graduated college, working, and was starting schooling for a new career. Now I am a suicidal, alcoholic, who is moving back in with their mother because I have gotten fired from two jobs in a row and is about the lose the best friend I have had in a long time.
  2. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    Hi, sorry to hear that...

    So did you try and connect the cause and effect?

    Just stopping so on the meds could play a role in how you react now... and why did you get som much pills? they must had some reason?

    Just dont kill yourself, you must have someone who cares, what happend to the husband?

    And dont think of it like you have lost, life goes up and down... and your still smart enough to ask for advice, that means something, like maybe you want change.

    If its any comfort knowing is that i fucked up countless jobbs and realtions to, we are surly not alone with doing that...

  3. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    When you see your doctor tell her/him everything that is going on - that way you have a chance of getting the right support and/or medication.
    Will your mum look after you?
  4. notalways

    notalways Member

    They felt I needed that much medication to stabilize my emotions, I think I would have done better in some type of inpatient treatment...although the one other time I tried that it was awful and there is no way I could afford it. They said I was depressed and bipolar, although I thought being depressed was part of being bipolar so I don't know.

    I felt like I was doing all the right things though, removing bad things from my life and trying to find things that brought me joy. I know I lost this last job (that I really really needed and was pretty excited about getting) because of the sudden stopping of my meds, I was withdrawing and my behavior was off; it still is. I was planning to back on my meds the day before they fired me just couldn't get into see the doctor until tomorrow. I practically begged my boss for another week to prove I could do it, but since I couldn't exactly tell him why next week would be so much better he didn't budge.

    I never should have married my husband in the first place, I ended our marriage as part of removing things from my life that make me unhappy. He wanted me to be his mother and that was not something I was willing to do. Thing is I felt so guilty about hurting him I let him completely screw me over financially. I got left with all the bills and expenses. I had to take time off of school to work more to pay the bills, but I already talked about how well my jobs have gone. I have spent every penny I had trying not to break this apartment lease so I wouldn't damage his and his sister's credit (she was the cosigner on the lease) but now I just can't keep it up and will be moving back in with my mom and unable to complete the school because she is 15 hours away.

    Now everything I have worked for and towards in the past year is over. All my work in school is useless because I will be unable to finish, all the money spent on this lease that I could have saved by staying here someplace less expensive and actually been able to finish school is wasted because I am going to have to break the lease with 1.5 months remaining, and the friends I have made here that have helped me so much I will probably never see again.

    Its like someone just took the ground out from under my feet. Having to start back over, not just from a year ago but much further back than that. My college degree is worth less than the paper it is printed on, all my old friends have moved on in their lives and away, I will be leaving my new friends behind, my ex-husband (although we are not divorced yet just separated) just keeps becoming more and more difficult to deal with wanting me to do more and more for him, I have no money left saved and now a ton of debt and cannot even support myself.

    This is just all so messed up I don't know where to begin handling it. My mom sent me money for food but my brain is to fried right now to even think of something to eat, and cooking seems almost dangerous in my current state.
  5. notalways

    notalways Member

    My mom will help me the best she can. When I used to live with her we had an awful relationship but now since I have been on my own it is great. I have no idea what will happen to it now.
  6. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    wow thats kinnda ruff...

    is there something that can change your mindset and try not to loose focus on what still can be done...

    people sometimes make it trough the darkest of times... i think youre one of them, 'cause you seem to be in touch with what is wrong in yuor life...

    Still my main concrn is that histiry of meds and you, i think that you will make it...

    sorry for bad grammar, im like so high right now...

  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I relate to you takeing so many meds.. I feel like a walking pharmacy..But I know I need them so I take them religously..I ran out of my mood stabilizer a while ago and turned into an instant asshole..Once I was back on them I mellowed right out..The only side affect I have is when I take my afternoon pills my xanax knocks me out for a couple of hours..Please get back on your meds and you will see things in a different light..I wish you well!!
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    going off your meds so quickly can really mess you up. best be honest with your doctor and get back on them asap. i'm taking 7 medications (bipolar, and ptsd). i don't like it but i feel much worse without them.
  9. DannyBoy

    DannyBoy Well-Known Member

    Stopping your meds was a bad idea and probably what caused the panic attack.

    Your system is going to react you have to expect that.
  10. notalways

    notalways Member

    I am just completely backed into a corner, I really had to together there for a minute. I really needed that job. Also I don't think my mom trusts me to live on my own now, I moved out like 6 years ago, because I told her I stopped taking my medication.

    I am just screwed.

    If I couldn't move my arm or something and that was why I was having trouble with work people would understand. But I just seem like a bad flaky employee now.

    I have less than a week before I get kicked out of my apartment. I called my mom and told her I think I should look into a cheap way for me to stay around here long enough to finish school, about 4 months. She freaked out about me considering not coming back home and had to immediately get off the phone because she didn't want me to hear her crying. Now I just feel sick from upsetting her but seriously think I should find a way to stay. If I can just get my expenses low enough that even working just a little bit in a awful job will be enough.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 1, 2010
  11. notalways

    notalways Member

    I am sure you all expected this but at my doctor appointment they decided to hospitalize me. They said I should be able to get Medicare and disability though since I have lost jobs from this so maybe this is for the best.
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