How do i ask her to help me

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Silenceisbliss, Feb 5, 2009.

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  1. A while ago i contacted a female friend on the social networking site myspace. our friendship broke down a long time ago and we haven't spoken in over a year. we were so close she said i was like a brother to her once.

    recently i upset her deeply in a message, her grndfather has died, some other woman is trying to interfere in her current relationship, shes gone through a lot lately. she deleted me from her friends list and i dont know if i should try adding her again. ive often felt depressed and had suicidal thoughts but thankfully never acted on them. i never told her, but i need her support more than anyone else.

    what the hell do i do? if i asked her i think she would but now imtoo scared to ask

    I took that burns checklist to calculate my depression i got 60. Severely depressed. im only 20!!!!:eek:hmy:

    i thought i was just sad sometimes because sometimes i am happy but now i dont know whether to believe that. Does anyone know if its accurate?
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i think you need to rebuild your friendship and trust again first, don't rush into asking for help, she may still be having a tough time herself and you don't want to scare her off with something she may see as selfish.
    once the friendship is there then you can slowly tell her how you feel but that all depends on how she is too.
    but be prepared if she doesnt want to tho mate.

    take care
  3. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Friendship is give-and-take. If you want to patch up your friendship, you cannot go to your friend needing her.

    Your best bet is to go to her with an attitude of caring and wanting to be there for her. If you can't manage that right now because of your depression, then you can try to just write her a letter, explaining how you're feeling, and leave it in her hands.

    Ultimately, if she is interested in working on patching things up, then you can do that, but do take your time. Do not have tunnel vision about it. And if she's not interested in patching things up, you'll have to respect her choice.

    There are so many other fish in the sea--friends and lovers alike.

    I've had friendships I've broken off, knowing I didn't want to patch them up, regardless, and friendships I've felt were very worthy of fixing. It depends on the people involved.

    Take your time, breathe lots and remember that she is not the only person in this world that you can be friends with.

    Fern xo
  4. blahdy blah

    blahdy blah Guest

    It sounds like you are looking at your 'friendship' from a purely selfish view, and that you only want to talk to her because you need her.

    What do you think she needs? Could you get that support from anyone else? Like a therapist or someone? Mybe a doctor?

    If you decide to approach her then I think it would probably be quite unfair to expect her to support you, and that you should maybe just try to open the lines of communication again. If you come across as a user, then chances are she won't want anything to do with you, and to be honest, there is no reason why she should do. She is not a support worker or someone to support you, she is a friend, and that's give and take, so you both support each other, or you have a laugh together, it's just one way.

    It definitely can be hard when you feel you need someone, and they are not there, but that may mean, in this instance, looking for that support in the right places (such as a doctor, therapy, support group, befriender, etc), so that the friendship that needs repairing is not damaged before it even gets underway.
  5. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    blahdy blah...I am sorry, but I felt that your post was a little tactless. Remember, you are dealing with people who are feeling very fragile. To use words like "selfish" and "user" is, I think, a little harsh and completely unnecessary. I see the point you were trying to get at and I think your message is valid, but your delivery could come across as quite hurtful.

    I do think that therapy is always a good idea. I am struggling with a mood disorder and I get a lot out of therapy. It doesn't "cure" me, but it really helps me get perspective sometimes when I am lacking it desperately.

    silencesisbliss, please keep in touch.

    Fern xo
  6. blahdy blah

    blahdy blah Guest

    I am well aware of how much the people on here struggle, after all, I'm here myself, aren't I?

    People always think of selfish as a bad thing, and a bad word. Actually, it's not. There are two sides to being selfish. One is looking after yourself, and putting your needs first, and this is a positive thing and doing that, in this way, doesn't have to harm others. The other side is more negative and is getting what you need, but potentially hurting people along the way. This situation could be a case of either or. I don't know anything about the poster, whether there is anything else about this friendship, or anything about this situation at all, and it is being looked at from a purely selfish point of view, but that is not always a bad thing, it can be a good thing. It is down to what happens and how the OP goes about this that will determine whether or not it is a good or bad selfish.

    I also very carefully did not write that this poster was a user. I don't know him/her, or what else they may want from the friendship, or anything at all. I mentioned how it might appear to this person, and it might appear to this person that if you are only being spoken to for support, then that could come across as you being used. That's why I said 'if', not anything like 'you will be a user' or 'you will definitely come across as a user', because I don't know those things, and that would be harshly unfair and judgemental. I merely looked at it from how the said friend might see it, and what the outcome could possibly be.

    I am also a firm believer that 'fragile' people don't need to be pussy footed around and patronised, and that you can say what needs to be said. It shouldn't have to be cotton wooled up, and sometimes its actually better if its not made all nicey nicey because sometimes people who are struggling need that shock to be able to see outside their own head and how their actions could affect others, or just that wake up call, in whatever way.

    I have always appreciated honesty, and I try to respect others by giving them the same. I choose my words VERY carefully and have, on many occassions, got through to people where others have not been able to. I think, personally, you made a snap judgement on me, which was a bit unfair, because you don't know me, or anything about me. I didn't base any judgement on the OP, I just said it as I saw it, such as 'it sounds like' or 'I think it would probably'. I was not rude, I may have chosen different words from what you would have done, but we are different people, and so will do that.
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