I've been suicidal for most of my life. I just turned 23 years old, so probably 10+ years I've lived with thoughts and dreams of taking my own life. I posted here a few years ago when things were really bad. My family didn't have the money to get me the mental help I needed, but things worked themselves out, and for a few years I was OK. I worked a dead end retail job and I hated it. I wanted a career and a future. My family's financial situation got progressively worse, and so when I decided to go back to school, I had to foot the bill myself. I'll be able to afford to pay the tuition, but I'll have absolutely no savings left afterwards (and what I had to go through to earn that savings was chilling, but I digress). I met a woman and fell in love. I graduated school and became a professional massage therapist. I was and still am well liked by all my professors who believe I have what it takes to succeed. School ended February 28th. I've been searching for jobs - both in and out of my field - ever since with no luck. My family's finances keep dwindling. They are afraid they will lose the house and threatened to kick me out. I am extremely resentful of them because they both are underemployed and cannot find work, but are not sympathetic in the least to my plight. I fear I will be back to square one, with a dead-end retail job. Only this time, I'll have no money and no home. I believe that I will never succeed because I have never succeeded. I need more intense mental help and have even less means to acquire it than I did before. I will always be inches away from killing myself for as long as I live, so why suffer with this any longer? I've never had a reason to live and that won't change. But I have many reasons to die.