How do I break this cycle?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Inker19, Jun 30, 2013.

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  1. Inker19

    Inker19 Well-Known Member

    I've been suicidal for most of my life. I just turned 23 years old, so probably 10+ years I've lived with thoughts and dreams of taking my own life.

    I posted here a few years ago when things were really bad. My family didn't have the money to get me the mental help I needed, but things worked themselves out, and for a few years I was OK. I worked a dead end retail job and I hated it. I wanted a career and a future. My family's financial situation got progressively worse, and so when I decided to go back to school, I had to foot the bill myself. I'll be able to afford to pay the tuition, but I'll have absolutely no savings left afterwards (and what I had to go through to earn that savings was chilling, but I digress).

    I met a woman and fell in love. I graduated school and became a professional massage therapist. I was and still am well liked by all my professors who believe I have what it takes to succeed. School ended February 28th. I've been searching for jobs - both in and out of my field - ever since with no luck. My family's finances keep dwindling. They are afraid they will lose the house and threatened to kick me out. I am extremely resentful of them because they both are underemployed and cannot find work, but are not sympathetic in the least to my plight.

    I fear I will be back to square one, with a dead-end retail job. Only this time, I'll have no money and no home. I believe that I will never succeed because I have never succeeded. I need more intense mental help and have even less means to acquire it than I did before. I will always be inches away from killing myself for as long as I live, so why suffer with this any longer? I've never had a reason to live and that won't change. But I have many reasons to die.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Never is a very long time if you are 23. Your difficulty in finding a job is shared with many and at 23 a "career" being started is overly optimistic for 98% of the world. If it is a retail job again then it is , but it will not always be if you want different. For that specialty consider expanding your search to other areas- places that have a lot of resorts and spas for tourist areas- look at cruise lines and things like that. In the mean time try to look out for yourself as best as possible. Consider calling the county mental health services in your county to see what they can offer for free or sliding scale supports.
     
  3. Inker19

    Inker19 Well-Known Member

    I know where to find the jobs. The jobs are out there. They all want experience. If every employer wants experience, it's impossible to get that experience.

    Getting a steady job in my field is the one thing I can think of that would improve my life. But I don't know if even that will heal my depression.
     
  4. Inker19

    Inker19 Well-Known Member

    Nobody here can help me?
     
  5. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    For now possibly consider volunteering even part time at a massage place to get some experience if that is possible? It would look good on your resume for other possible employers and maybe if they like what you do they would hire you where you volunteer. Even if you volunteer at a place that doesnt have to do with massages it would still look good on a resume.

    Just a thought from another confused 20 year old
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The same thought on volunteering had occurred to me - at care facilities or nursing homes if you have the actual certifications for it to be allowed to build references and resume... even an afternoon a week or on a weekend.
     
  7. Inker19

    Inker19 Well-Known Member

    I think my original thought is being misunderstood. I'm not looking for advice on how to find a job. I'm looking for advice on how to find mental help that I can afford.
     
  8. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The only option I am aware of id county mental health services usually are available on a sliding scale from free to to full cost based on income level. Their is likely a listing in your county government listings for a phone contact to get additional information on what services may be available.
     
  9. Inker19

    Inker19 Well-Known Member

    I found a place right near my home that I believe can help me. They don't take my parent's insurance. :(

    I tried to apply for MassHealth before and got denied.
     
  10. Inker19

    Inker19 Well-Known Member

    The ****ing mailman came 3 hours early today and I wasn't able to send out my MassHealth application. It's like the world doesn't want me to get better.
     
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