How do I care again..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Laslo, Feb 10, 2016.

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  1. Laslo

    Laslo New Member

    Hi, so.. Uhm this is my first post on here. Idk where to start really. I have a story like everyone else on here but its long and honestly doesn't seem bad enough to justify my feelings over the past 3 years. Does anyone else feel like they've lost the ability to feel anymore? Happy. Sad. Just anything really. I used to be so joyful and full of life and now I find it hard to express any feelings anymore. I literally think about the facial expression im making when conversating, trying to fake something that would make sense, but its lifeless and has nothing real behind it. I'm the most mundane mono tone piece of shit I know.

    I'm always thinking to the point that I wish I could just stop thinking entirely. The only think I genuinely look forward to is sleeping so I can stop thinking for a while, but even when I'm passed out my fucked up thoughts manifest themselves into fucked up dreams. I can't escape this.
     
  2. Laslo

    Laslo New Member

    I can't sleep, have work in the morning so fuck it I'll write this before I put the phone away and try to sleep. So... I think this all started when I moved to Japan. I wasn't sastified working a part time job doing nothing else in the states living with a high school friend so I moved in with my dad at the age of 19. He lived on military base and off the base it was just all foreign so I didn't make any friends there.. Tried for a few jobs, didn't get anything because all the base jobs had priority to the spouses. My friends were all 13 hours behind me so i only got maybe an hour to play games or whatever with them. I was essentially alone for a year in my thoughts. Which quickly spiraled me into depression.

    Once my father walked in on me just sitting on my bed in tears (I don't usually cry) and he just said. "Are you ok? I didn't know you felt this badly, I'll give you some time alone" fuck didn't he understand I didn't want to be alone.

    Fast forward a year I moved back to the states with my grandmother, the deal was I join the military and stay with her until I go. I took my ASVAB and everything but I just stopped after that. I'm horrible at going through with things. Now I have a shitty part time job in retail and I just don't care about anyone which is horrible I want to care. My father and mother call me almost every day and I don't want to talk. It's too late. I just stopped caring. I just feel like anyone trying to talk to me is just an annoyance.

    I went to visit my dad last Christmas, he lives in Texas now and hes retired. I'm in New York. And he has a pistol permit. Him me and my sister were going to go to the shooting range. I'm glad we didn't. <Mod Edit:Methods> I told my sister this while I was there. She seemed to really care and it made me feel better that night. She said she would be there every step of the way with me. She lives in MN and was visiting too... I've talked to her once since then and it was very brief. I don't think I'm worth the effort.


    I also drunkingly texted a girl I just think is the embodiment of perfect while on my vacation at my dads.. I dated her in middle school and havent had a real relationship past a couple of weeks sjnce her...but...she is married of 2 years.. I told her everything from how sad and lonely I've been and how beautiful she is and that I've tried with many other girls but they just aren't her so I stop giving a shit about anyone else. Seriously I am addicted to her I miss the way she breathes. I said all this stupid shit while I thought she was still married. Turns out she told me the next morning that her and her husband aren't together anymore. I still don't know why she hasn't told me yet. So that got me excited that I had a chance to be there for her but she shut me out.. And I'm assuming it's because I told her about my depression. She needs a strong person in her life after a divorce. And that's what she did. She now has a boyfriend. 2 months after she left her husband. I feel like I missed my chance and I was really besting myself up over it. I mean. I don't believe in fate we originally broke up because her parents moved, being in the military that happens so it wasn't a bad breakup. Then I moved to NY. Turns iut her dad lives up here and when her husband got kicked out of the navy they ended up coming here to live with him. She lives an hour away now and I just wanted a chance.. She comes from a time where I didn't feel so sedated and mono tone. I was truly happy then. I think that my reasoning for wanting her and nobody else is because of that. I'm very self aware of how stupid I am, which makes it worse that I don't do anything to better myself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2016
  3. Have you considered counseling?

    I think you are worth it. I am glad you didn't kill yourself. I am glad you came to SF. Depression is making you think you aren't worth it and is shutting your emotions away from you. Also I have felt the lack of emotions too so you are not alone. You will be able to feel again if you work at it talk it out with someone (us or a friend or your sister or a counselor). It is not going to be easy but you can fight this depression and overcome it.
     
    Laslo likes this.
  4. Laslo

    Laslo New Member

    Thank you for responding :) No I havent tried counsling because i just figurr it costs too much or.. Whatever. But It made me feel a bit better knowing that I'm not the only one struggling with lack of emotion. Even though I did hope that I am the only one because it's pretty horrid.
    Thank you so much
     
  5. steve64

    steve64 Member

    I can so relate, I feel I can't feel, sad, happy, or otherwise, I don't know why, I don't know how to fix it, i think talking about it to people here helps.
     
  6. Persephone2

    Persephone2 Active Member

    I like to think of depression as having all kinds of different "flavors". Sometimes it feels sad, lonely or hopeless. Often it feel numb, like nothing is enjoyable, but things don't really worry you either. Sometimes it's even felt as anger. People who have little experience with depression may not realize that it's not just feeling down or sad.

    Do try to get some therapy or medication for your depression if you can, because depression that doesn't have an obvious cause may be biochemical. Your brain might not make enough of the chemicals it needs to feel normal. In my experiences, there is often both a situational cause and a biochemical one.

    Hyperbole and a Half is a good cartoon blog that has insight into how it feels to be deeply depressed. You might like it and the book the author wrote. Unfortunately she hasn't posted in a long while, most likely because she's experience a deep depression or is in treatment for depression herself. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
     
  7. AnthonyO

    AnthonyO New Member

    I have the same problem Laslo. Actually going to a counselor to see why. Even she can't figure me out. I've built this wall to try and stop things from hurting me, but it's also stopped me from loving, being happy, etc. I, like you, just want to sleep. But I don't want to wake up. I am tired of this life. And hope there is life after death
     
  8. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    I struggle with lack of feeling too mostly, anhedonia, lack of pleasure, but feeling emotional in general. I'm going to try new medication soon. Sometimes I try to be more mindful of my emotions and it helps a little. i agree with others about getting help, if it's too expensive under your insurance, there are usually sliding scale counselors and free support groups around.
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    Are you feeling any better today? I sure hope so. Know that there are people here that care about you, don't be afraid to say whats on your mind (within the guidelines of course). You sound like you feel ''empty'', is that how you feel? Please seek professional advice and please don't harm yourself, you are too important to harm yourself. We care <3
     
  10. Laslo

    Laslo New Member

    No petal... I'm not feeling better. I can't go to sleep without thinking about suicide. Even if it's just the thought reminding me that I'm pretty fucked up. Doesn't have to be a long thought, just something every night, and some nights keeps me up until I have to go to work. I wish I could come back with some good news. I'm sorry. And honestly does anyone ACTUALLY care here? I don't understand how someone could care for some random guy on the internet they don't know... I know I don't, and I don't mean that offensively it really is just how I feel. Like I don't want anything to happen to any of you. But my world would keep spinning if something did, just like yours would if something happened to me. There would be no way of knowing I did anything either. I could off myself RIGHT NOW and no one would know. It would just be another thread that fades out of the spotlight just like my life is just another life, like the bug you squash because it's a nuisance.. No one remembers the bug. I wish I could care I really really do, but i'm just broken
     
  11. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Laslo, I can answer for myself and I do actually care. Maybe I don't know you personally but I do care when I read how you suffer and I do want you to feel better.

    Depression has this 'lovely' trick where it makes our brain tell us things like "no one cares, they all forget about me..." but it's all lies.

    I really think you should rethink counseling and therapy as an option to get better, because you really do deserve to from feel better than this, and that can happen with some care.
    Try to tell your doctor about your feelings and those dark thoughts, if you really can't afford therapy perhaps they can help you find some funded help or something?

    No one deserves to feel the way you do, and neither do you. Please take care of yourself
     
  12. Persephone2

    Persephone2 Active Member

    I don't think people would come to a forum like this and bother to respond to other people's posts if they didn't have empathy for the other posters. We've suffered many of the same thoughts and feelings that you're experiencing, so even if we don't know you in real life, we do care about how you're feeling.

    This world is full of people who are connected to each other in some way, even if they're not our immediate family or friends. Most of us are not important to the big picture of what goes on in this world, but we're all important in small ways to each other. Maybe you're the guy who smiles at a store clerk or gives an old lady your seat on a bus? Maybe you take care of a pet or you listen when someone else needs to talk about their day? We're all important in these small ways that do affect others. I think of the small acts of kindness that others have done for me, such as a bus driver giving me a free bus pass when I missed my bus to school or a teacher giving me an old paperback copy of The Martian Chronicles. They didn't know how much I appreciated those small acts of kindness, but they were important moments for me that helped me get though emotionally difficult times.

    You can be that kind of person to other people, even if you don't think you are now, even if you don't feel like you have control of your own emotions and life. Try to get whatever help you can get. The best combination for fighting depression is professional therapy along with taking the appropriate antidepressant for you. Chronic Depression is a biochemical disorder, not a lack of willpower or positive thinking, so getting proper treatment will definitely help you feel better. If you don't have access to a professional therapist and a prescription antidepressant, talking with people who understand what you're feeling and taking non-prescription St. John's Wort, along with adequate sleep, exercise, sunlight, and good nutrition may be enough to help you feel better. Find whatever makes you feel better, and do it.

    We may not know you in real life, but we understand how you're hurting and we do want you to feel better.

    *Hugs*
     
    sahel likes this.
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