Ok I'm really struggling here. I've never written these feelings down before but I need to get them out before I burst.
I'll start at the begining. I've had 3 failed attempts the most recent being in Nov last yeay when my bf split up with me. We'd been together for 4 years a nd know each other for 7 years. He was and still is the love of my life, then one day he rang me when he was working in London and said that he didn't feel the same way and that he didn't love me. Well that was it, I felt like my life had ended. I didn't want to live if he didn't want me. I didn't want to breath knowing that I wasn't going to see him again. I'm always thinking about him, I can't stop. Everytime I go into Portsmouth, I have to stop myself from going to the docks to see if he is there. Now I don't go into Portsmouth alone for fear of seeing him.
But the was months ago I hear you say. Well yes it was, but it doesn't stop my heart from breaking. I've been having CBT and seen my Social Worker an GP a bunch of times. But I still can't get these horrible horrible thoughts out of my head. Sometime they aren't to bad and I can sort of "shut the door" on them, so they aren't so loud. But last week, my so called "friend" started being horrible to me. Saying that I'd been talking to her like a peice of shit, when I haven't. Now she won't speak to me at all. She won't answer my text messages or phone calls. She was my friend for over 20 years and all of a sudden she won;t talk to me. She won't even tell me what I've supposed to have said or when. And now I've got these horrible thoughts back in my head again. What if I am a horrible person? What if, all those years ago in school, people were right and I am a skank? Do I deserve to be living when there are so many other people trying to survive?
I've been fighting these thoughts for over a week now. I've spoken to another friend, my parents and my doctor and the only response was, don;t keep thinking about it. Well! Thats easier said than done right?! I can't help but think about it. I haven;t slept properly in days and now I;m tired.
I don't know how long I can hold on. Please help me! Please!
I'll start at the begining. I've had 3 failed attempts the most recent being in Nov last yeay when my bf split up with me. We'd been together for 4 years a nd know each other for 7 years. He was and still is the love of my life, then one day he rang me when he was working in London and said that he didn't feel the same way and that he didn't love me. Well that was it, I felt like my life had ended. I didn't want to live if he didn't want me. I didn't want to breath knowing that I wasn't going to see him again. I'm always thinking about him, I can't stop. Everytime I go into Portsmouth, I have to stop myself from going to the docks to see if he is there. Now I don't go into Portsmouth alone for fear of seeing him.
But the was months ago I hear you say. Well yes it was, but it doesn't stop my heart from breaking. I've been having CBT and seen my Social Worker an GP a bunch of times. But I still can't get these horrible horrible thoughts out of my head. Sometime they aren't to bad and I can sort of "shut the door" on them, so they aren't so loud. But last week, my so called "friend" started being horrible to me. Saying that I'd been talking to her like a peice of shit, when I haven't. Now she won't speak to me at all. She won't answer my text messages or phone calls. She was my friend for over 20 years and all of a sudden she won;t talk to me. She won't even tell me what I've supposed to have said or when. And now I've got these horrible thoughts back in my head again. What if I am a horrible person? What if, all those years ago in school, people were right and I am a skank? Do I deserve to be living when there are so many other people trying to survive?
I've been fighting these thoughts for over a week now. I've spoken to another friend, my parents and my doctor and the only response was, don;t keep thinking about it. Well! Thats easier said than done right?! I can't help but think about it. I haven;t slept properly in days and now I;m tired.
I don't know how long I can hold on. Please help me! Please!
