I know "normal" is relative but I've always had an issue with standing out, never being correct enough to fit in I have friends now and generally I can make jokes and make them laugh and say "that sucks" when they're unhappy but other times I get spoken to and I just don't know what to do in a store today I was buying wine, a gift bag and a card for mother's day (this sunday) and the person working the checkout talked to me really slow and careful like I might not understand and it made me feel like such a piece of shit. and when I catch someone's eye when I'm around them I feel like I'm being scrutinized. like I'm wrong but I don't know what I did wrong. partly it's in my imagination, I'm sure I'm just too preoccupied with not doing the wrong thing but I genuinely don't know how to act- how to be appropriate or how to answer questions or what other people's intentions are. it makes me so lonely for not being able to reach out but I don't know when is the time, how to say it, who is the right kind of person to tell it's frustrating I've ended up with this insensitive joking habit to say when a lesson is boring or something is annoying/embarrassing "fucking kill me" and it's bad I know and someone else who's also thinking about suicide a lot might be hurt by it if they overhear but the release from saying it aloud even if my friends don't know I'm not joking feels good.