So about 6 and a half years ago my dad committed suicide. I was young (14 at the time), coped with it my own way by rebelling, drinking, drugs, truanting etc etc. So royally screwed up my education and such. The last two years I really started getting my life back on track. Became a model student at college, responsible drinking and made a good boyfriend and some good friends. Then BAM! April hits and my sister commits suicide too.. I carried on going to school, getting top grades, been accepted to universities and kept my job on track. However, to everyone else it seems like I've been quite the soldier.. the reality is quite different. I really feel like I'm crumbling inside. I have since broken up with my boyfriend.. I feel almost frightened at the thought of going out and meeting with friends. When I do build up the courage and get past the anxiety, I just get hopelessly drunk. When I am out, I feel so far away from everyone else. Like I'm on some other level completely. I cant connect with anyone. I always feel it's just on a superficial basis. When I try talking to my family or my best friend about how I feel, it just comes out all jumbled. They can't understand and how should they? When I can't understand my own emotions? I prefer not to talk to my family because my mother has had it tough enough and is getting through things really well. I'll listen and offer help when she's upset of course, but it's no way to make her feel better if I have a whine. I just want to feel like I did a year ago.. on top of the world.. like life was finally working out and we could all be happy again. I just don't feel part of this world anymore and (without sounding juvenile) that nobody understands me or ever will. My head is so messed up.. I went to a counsellor this year but that didn't help. How can I get my thoughts clear? How can I feel like I used to? How can I feel like there's a purpose to life again?