I dont even know where to start... i am having so many feelings right now and they are all confusing. I am sitting at work trying desperately not to cry so no one sees how unhappy i am. *a moment to breathe and blot my tears* reading this forum is stiring up a lot of emotions. i initially came on here because i was starting to lose grip of my strength. I believe i am a very strong individual, i wont say i have had that hard a life, from what i can remember it was pretty average but i have crawled though a couple of tough situations that i feel have made me stronger and have taught me a lot about myself and many other things. i can definately say "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" although its the surviving part thats the hardest and its unfortunately a continuous battle. never-the-less i am stronger and wiser and i try to deal with everything that comes my way because, lets face it, no one else will! Suicide is in the back of my mind all the time but i have my reasons for never going through with it. Trust me i wish it were otherwise. i always end up being the one with good advice and a empathetic ear that my friends and family come to which i dont mind although i sometimes feel too tired to care. anyhow, i started going there again, all those bad feelings that are in the pit of my heart that i keep pushing away to try live a normal life. i dont know where they come from or why i keep thinking/feeling them because i am an extremely rational/logical person and i dont have much i should complain about. I know there are people out there who are worse off than me and i should be greatful for everything that ive got and ive got a really good life in comparison to some people but i cant seem to be happy with it or myself. I feel unsatisfied. I feel empty. I feel like i have this constant conflict internally. this is not something i would normally do, i usually psychoanalyse myself, i dont like to talk to "strangers" about my feelings but i feel so alone even though i know im not... I have people to talk to but what im afraid of is that either they are not really 'listening' to me and that they are just going to tell me the same old bulls*** that you always hear and i know already. I know everything always works out in the end, i have been there numerous times. Well its sorta hit me hard when i read how some people were feeling. i suppose because of motherly insticts i want to help and protect everyone and i believe i can in some way have a good influence on people. (ironic that i have all the answers and yet i cant help myself). i no we are not given more than we can handle and even though you may feel overwhelmed at times you will be so surprised at you own inner strength once you get over that hurdle. I have often wondered how i made it through when there have been times when i feel like im being weighed down at the bottom of the ocean running out of air. All i know is it doesnt help to supress it or drug it up, it will keep coming back until you deal with it. I can hope that it goes away but i know deep down it will be there until i get off my lazy ass, gather all my inner strength and actually change some things. There are things in life which i know will add to my happiness but i believe i will not get them until i am ready for them mentally and physically and emotionally and spiritually. this is a test i must pass first. but for now i am too tired!