How do i fight my depression?

[Mremptyinside]

Its hard comming back here to talk or read or write again after beeing so active here and then vanishing for the most part now. Even tho i return from time to time because i simply have no other place to go where i ...feel...save...or like home... or something. Or where i can just let my feelings and my depression go and where i dont have to continuously hide it behind a happy smile. Even tho i loose that smile again more and more. maby its time for another brakedown full of sobbing and crying...
i have thought i dont have depression, i once thought i got through my depression, i even thought maby i could live with it side by side. In the end i always hid beeing depressed. or well maby not hid but just closed myself of from most pll specially if that topic came around. But in the end it always comes back to the surface overthrowing me. Tho no one talks about it. My gf must know she sees my smiles and once or twice mentioned that she noticed my continues loss of happyness around her. (like a fading mask because ur to compftable around that someone) But even if i , or if we openly talked about it i would not know how it would help me... more even i dont want to drag her into it again, she has more then enough problems on her own.... The worst part of it all are the suicidle thoughts and specially the emptyness and totall ignorance of what other ppl call life goals, i just thought... i cant handle the act of killing my self so i just stay around and life how life treats me till i hopefully surcome to something or another. Sadly or more like how it is normally, life does not care and just continues. so My life feels like an endless repetition of just living on. Yeah i tried stuff but i feel like all of it is just another way of passing time till someday ::::::::::: happens. I can say for shure that im wasting my life and drowning myself in whatever ceeps me from noticing the passing time. Anime, Films, Videos, Youtube, writing, gaming, sports, whatever. but i still feel that whole that opened sometime in my childhood. i cant say when exactly... but it never closes even if i fill it with whatever i throw at it. I thought with love i would have a way out funally. Something so big and wonderfull it would close the door to that emptyness but ... well it ceeps opening up again and again not letting me shut it... Or maby i dont even wish for it to shut. I just dont know anymore. The wish to die is so big, growing the more i live on. Getting bigger and bigger and i just dont want to continue with it. But i cant end it myself its like a damn freekn curse. I HATE THIS
sometimes i dont remember or recall things or have to really think about it because i stopped caring for most of everthing. im even beeing called a bad listener by freinds and my gf because im so out of it, closed of in my own thought prossesies that i sometimes shut out the world around me or what ppl sey. I was once the one everyone could talk to about there problems but after several years and many things that happend that showed me how other ppls problems can start to be your own i even shut those of. I now hat beeing the one ppl go to with there problems (i think thats also the main reason why i feel so bad here and just cant stay here long or often because i make other ppl problems my own. I was once a very helpfull guy but i could not handle always beeing there for others because it broke myself down bit by bit.)

And now my father is most likly dying. After one heart attack no one knows how long it will be till the next. I have to handle everything and fly over to try helping him while beeing jobless and wanting nothing more then to die myself.

Im off... i cant continue writing all this down.................. maby till later...

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this.

The link in my signature may have some information that could help. I'll post copy of it here in case you're on a phone.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

And now my father is most likly dying. After one heart attack no one knows how long it will be till the next

I think people can still live quite a while after a first heart attack, though having one does mean he's at risk for having other later. What's your relationship like with your dad?

I have to handle everything and fly over to try helping him

Are you expected to be a full-time care provider for him?

 

[Mremptyinside]

Thx @may71 !!! I calmed down a bit after my gf got back and i did a bit of Cooking.

Medication is sadly a no go... i saw to many fuck ups with my dad and medication, Doctors just threw at him till it just got worse and he had to do a full stop to all of them so his body could more or less get back to the stage it was before... tho sadly his situation is just worsening he has 1. Apnoe (a sleeping sicness where you cant breath for several minutes... and that can cause to major braindmg... he got a sleeping maschiene now...)

2. "The second link is about acupuncture, Chinese herbal medicine, scientific studies about these treatments, how to find affordable treatment, and other info. "

I have looked into this before but thx!!! will go deeper into it tomorrow, this seems intresting. I also baught myself a scupuncture matrace for myself and it helps me gratly feeling better. Tho i cinda found a masochistic side of myself... as the pain on my back caused by that matrace with spikes was much more enjoyable then painfull ... and it was not enaugh ^^ my gf had to lie on top of me (which she just loved as it was another way to get moooore cuddles XD ) so i would feal the spikes more ^-^

3. ill check out too. I know that i got many problems with my back and neck at the moment (as masseuse and seeing/ feeling alot of other back problems i know how to handle those more or less tho its finding time or willingnes to do something for yourself that is hindering oneself most in that aspect... Tho i alredy thought or am thinking about going to a tai masseuse. Think i´ll really gonna do that next week...)

3.2. Lifetimechanges are DAMN HARD!!! specially now with corona! i love swimming and that falling flat at the moment... that a reaaaaaally hard "mental downpull" for me. But i at least am getting better with my food intake and am almost complitly off from fast food or chips. tho chocolate and the really fat grilled stakes are still no way of getting off my foodintake list ^^
Also im doing sports again. I hate myself for always slacking off with it even tho i know i need it and it makes me feel better.

4.... i dont like to talk about it other then here... its most likley the hardest for me to overcome.


Yes they can but... his health is alredy completly ****** in so many ways... Now his heart has necrotic dmg in its left capsule (or whatever its called in english... sorry) and that with all the other things i dont want to start listing here.... he himself alredy talked with his brother from whom i know.... that he has alredy put down the will to live, saying his life was grate and he does not mind for it to end soon... and i lived for years now that this could happen any day................................. and i have no clue how to handle that thought or worse... the day when it happens.
I always had a very good relationship with him. I never had a rolemodel or something in that way or another and was often more adulty in the familly watching the rest as them but he was like a friend who always watched over me and made me feel save and at home. Now.... its complicated... very much so, first of all im on another cotinent. familly beeing broken into parts and peaces. while im the only one ceeping contact with all of them more or less often beeing a middle man or shoulder to cry on .... for his own parents... which is reverse of what should be but i was always that cind of listener and open ear. So the aspect of full time care would fall aside... because he has to moove over here so he could get any cind of help at all other then having someone fly over and help him out with the worst for several weeks. which is just to expensive. And with my own problems of wanting nothing more then to **** this world, this just feels like the strawberry on the big lifecake of problems.

And i dont even know how much all my help down there will bring him and if he can even moove back to germany at all... its just problems over complications dipped in arguments and political problems/paperwork with a slice of *hole compenies trying to abuse my dads healthproblems for them to get more money... or ceeping his.....

One of my problems with all of this is just.... not only have i to handle my own live that feels like its down in the dumps but i have to handle problems of another life stacked over several years, while trying to be happy and a good bf who is understanding and supporting, while beeing a son who finally finds his way into a good job and making money to soon help his old growing parents while other familly members just cut of all contact so to not get in all that trouble. While no one know that i myself just want to die or live secluded in a one room apartment watching anime and mange till a white light suddenly takes me to my next life as ...mh a cat or something ...

Well im off to sleep got to plan flight stuff and doctor/ corona test meetings and all that damn stuff tomorrow...

Thx for beeing here for me and me having someone to talk to! its nice beeing able to pour out .................

 

[Mremptyinside]

I think the worst about my life is that i cant find anything in which i feel proud of myself doing it or in which i think im good at. There is so much i can do but nothing of it is special, good or in some way forfilling. I thought about it for hours latly, what if i just did something and made myself good at it but watching back i always loose focus or interest in whatever i start. i only do it aslong as it can grap my attantion but the minute i loose it its forgotten, sometimes for years until i continue or do whatever it was again... and even if i may seem good at something its never really as good as to get me anywhere with it... i hate this feeling of having nothing that could pull me out of this rutt....

 

[Witty⭐️Sarcasm ⭐️]

I think the worst about my life is that i cant find anything in which i feel proud of myself doing it or in which i think im good at. There is so much i can do but nothing of it is special, good or in some way forfilling. I thought about it for hours latly, what if i just did something and made myself good at it but watching back i always loose focus or interest in whatever i start. i only do it aslong as it can grap my attantion but the minute i loose it its forgotten, sometimes for years until i continue or do whatever it was again... and even if i may seem good at something its never really as good as to get me anywhere with it... i hate this feeling of having nothing that could pull me out of this rutt....

Do you know what would make you feel fulfilled in life, or you're not sure?

 

[Mremptyinside]

I don`t know or seem to be able to find something that is or ceeps forfilling me. Its just. OUUU i found something grate lets to that! and some weeks or maby months later its just like ou that thing? jeah öhmmm... does not really grip my attantion anymore but ur right it was cool / i was good at it but anyways YOU KNOW THAT NEW THING I FOUND ?! / - 2 weeks later. ou it was just well was good i guess... i always find stuff that just forfilles the momentary need of getting my attantion or something like that and then im just... what am i doing with my life.
I wish i could reset and start from anew i would so drasticly change so many things..... (if i could ^^)