Its hard comming back here to talk or read or write again after beeing so active here and then vanishing for the most part now. Even tho i return from time to time because i simply have no other place to go where i ...feel...save...or like home... or something. Or where i can just let my feelings and my depression go and where i dont have to continuously hide it behind a happy smile. Even tho i loose that smile again more and more. maby its time for another brakedown full of sobbing and crying...
i have thought i dont have depression, i once thought i got through my depression, i even thought maby i could live with it side by side. In the end i always hid beeing depressed. or well maby not hid but just closed myself of from most pll specially if that topic came around. But in the end it always comes back to the surface overthrowing me. Tho no one talks about it. My gf must know she sees my smiles and once or twice mentioned that she noticed my continues loss of happyness around her. (like a fading mask because ur to compftable around that someone) But even if i , or if we openly talked about it i would not know how it would help me... more even i dont want to drag her into it again, she has more then enough problems on her own.... The worst part of it all are the suicidle thoughts and specially the emptyness and totall ignorance of what other ppl call life goals, i just thought... i cant handle the act of killing my self so i just stay around and life how life treats me till i hopefully surcome to something or another. Sadly or more like how it is normally, life does not care and just continues. so My life feels like an endless repetition of just living on. Yeah i tried stuff but i feel like all of it is just another way of passing time till someday ::::::::::: happens. I can say for shure that im wasting my life and drowning myself in whatever ceeps me from noticing the passing time. Anime, Films, Videos, Youtube, writing, gaming, sports, whatever. but i still feel that whole that opened sometime in my childhood. i cant say when exactly... but it never closes even if i fill it with whatever i throw at it. I thought with love i would have a way out funally. Something so big and wonderfull it would close the door to that emptyness but ... well it ceeps opening up again and again not letting me shut it... Or maby i dont even wish for it to shut. I just dont know anymore. The wish to die is so big, growing the more i live on. Getting bigger and bigger and i just dont want to continue with it. But i cant end it myself its like a damn freekn curse. I HATE THIS
sometimes i dont remember or recall things or have to really think about it because i stopped caring for most of everthing. im even beeing called a bad listener by freinds and my gf because im so out of it, closed of in my own thought prossesies that i sometimes shut out the world around me or what ppl sey. I was once the one everyone could talk to about there problems but after several years and many things that happend that showed me how other ppls problems can start to be your own i even shut those of. I now hat beeing the one ppl go to with there problems (i think thats also the main reason why i feel so bad here and just cant stay here long or often because i make other ppl problems my own. I was once a very helpfull guy but i could not handle always beeing there for others because it broke myself down bit by bit.)
And now my father is most likly dying. After one heart attack no one knows how long it will be till the next. I have to handle everything and fly over to try helping him while beeing jobless and wanting nothing more then to die myself.
Im off... i cant continue writing all this down.................. maby till later...
i have thought i dont have depression, i once thought i got through my depression, i even thought maby i could live with it side by side. In the end i always hid beeing depressed. or well maby not hid but just closed myself of from most pll specially if that topic came around. But in the end it always comes back to the surface overthrowing me. Tho no one talks about it. My gf must know she sees my smiles and once or twice mentioned that she noticed my continues loss of happyness around her. (like a fading mask because ur to compftable around that someone) But even if i , or if we openly talked about it i would not know how it would help me... more even i dont want to drag her into it again, she has more then enough problems on her own.... The worst part of it all are the suicidle thoughts and specially the emptyness and totall ignorance of what other ppl call life goals, i just thought... i cant handle the act of killing my self so i just stay around and life how life treats me till i hopefully surcome to something or another. Sadly or more like how it is normally, life does not care and just continues. so My life feels like an endless repetition of just living on. Yeah i tried stuff but i feel like all of it is just another way of passing time till someday ::::::::::: happens. I can say for shure that im wasting my life and drowning myself in whatever ceeps me from noticing the passing time. Anime, Films, Videos, Youtube, writing, gaming, sports, whatever. but i still feel that whole that opened sometime in my childhood. i cant say when exactly... but it never closes even if i fill it with whatever i throw at it. I thought with love i would have a way out funally. Something so big and wonderfull it would close the door to that emptyness but ... well it ceeps opening up again and again not letting me shut it... Or maby i dont even wish for it to shut. I just dont know anymore. The wish to die is so big, growing the more i live on. Getting bigger and bigger and i just dont want to continue with it. But i cant end it myself its like a damn freekn curse. I HATE THIS
sometimes i dont remember or recall things or have to really think about it because i stopped caring for most of everthing. im even beeing called a bad listener by freinds and my gf because im so out of it, closed of in my own thought prossesies that i sometimes shut out the world around me or what ppl sey. I was once the one everyone could talk to about there problems but after several years and many things that happend that showed me how other ppls problems can start to be your own i even shut those of. I now hat beeing the one ppl go to with there problems (i think thats also the main reason why i feel so bad here and just cant stay here long or often because i make other ppl problems my own. I was once a very helpfull guy but i could not handle always beeing there for others because it broke myself down bit by bit.)
And now my father is most likly dying. After one heart attack no one knows how long it will be till the next. I have to handle everything and fly over to try helping him while beeing jobless and wanting nothing more then to die myself.
Im off... i cant continue writing all this down.................. maby till later...