how do i fight this

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Sep 13, 2011.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    2 days of hell

    2 days of misery

    today i find out that my daughter was one of 6 volunteers that left college to support another town's request for emergency assistance during recent flooding from the last tropical storm - they spent 30 waking hours transporting, carrying for, rescuing people in need

    every parent wants their children to be better than they were - that's the whole point

    as much as i've fucked things up my daughter has already proved that she's turned into a better person than i could ever hope to be

    george eastman had a dream - he wanted to create a device that he could put into the hands of the average person so that they could collect and save their memories - his gift was a camera - and he cofounded the eastman/kodak company

    then, because his life's work was over, he killed himself

    that's what i feel like right now

    i have nothing left to offer - it's all done

    i have no purpose - time for me to leave
     
  2. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I don't understand why this would mean it's over for you.

    I think you should be proud.
    She made some good decisions.

    There are values she has learned from you or from circumstance.
    I tend to believe she learned this from you?

    Hang in there. I don't know you but I am sure you have a lot
    to offer the world and if we could speak I'm sure we could find many reasons for you to stick around.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    well you obviously did something right then hun you should be proud right now of YOUR accomplishments raising such a compassionate caring daughter
    She will always always need that care from you hugs
     
  4. LostNerd

    LostNerd Well-Known Member

    You do have a purpose! You're daughter may be independent but every girl still needs her parents!

    Hey! I'm a guy and lost my dad when I was 9 and that hurt! So much! I was having the same type of feelings that I no longer wanted to be here etc...

    The only thing you can do is talk, but only when you want to. I'm glad you could post this!

    My name is Peter, and I'm one of many here for you. :)
     
  5. adolescent09

    adolescent09 Member

    WastingEcho you should hang in there buddy. I lost my father when I was 3 and I'm sure my life would have been drastically different (for the better) if he had still been alive. You might think you don't have anything to live for but you'd be surprised how much your daughter needs you for emotional support. Keep on living even if it is just for her continued happiness, she will be much better off with you alive, trust me.
     
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i have no future for myself - can't see one

    can't see myself as a grandparent

    i've only held on this long for my kids

    now they outstripped me and i can stop fighting the pain
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    why do you look at their accomplishments with pain when they should be looked at with pride and happiness knowing all you did to get her there
    they have not outstripped you they are a part of you a part now showing the world how well you have done hun Be happy for not in pain
     
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you don't see

    been living with pain - not for me - for others

    now i don't have to keep doing it any more

    can't do any more
     
  9. adolescent09

    adolescent09 Member

    Look wasting, there are moments when we all feel depressed and when we all feel that we don't have anything to live for. That is why we are here at this forum to give each other the support we need to get through the hard times and persevere until we feel we are in a better place mentally and emotionally. I don't mean to sound like a therapist but in order for us to help you, you have to tell us exactly what it is that you are feeling. I understand that your daughter is virtuous and you feel she has outshone you in terms of her accomplishments and deeds but you should be extremely proud of the fact that she has done just that. If anything, that should give you a reason to want to live and love life. From the looks of it, you were in a bad situation when you had her and yet she turned out alright. You should feel :stars: for that reason alone, man. Seriously, hang in there if only for your daughter. She does not deserve to see you so depressed and on the verge of suicide after everything you have been through raising her. Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss this some more or just post your thoughts right here; even if I don't reply immediately don't think I won't get back to you as soon as possible. Remember in order to accept help you have to be able to receive help.
     
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    If I only learned one thing it's that we don't get what we deserve

    She is at school so she won't see me like this anyway

    My heart feels heavy - sitting on the train waiting for it to take me to a job wherevtyey would rather be rid of me so I can come home to a selfish woman who I don't want to be married to any more - filled with self-hatred and pain day after day after day after day just so I could my children ready for life on their own

    They're ready

    I'm finished - why continue when I have nothing left to look forward to?
     
  11. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    But you do continue, despite all of the agony and pain, something is keeping you here, can you build on whatever that something is?
     
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    echo your children will always need their Dad...my 36 year old is going through a hard time and still needs me here for her ...I wish she didn't but ...
    I so wish you could find some hope *hug*
     
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    For years I kept trying to find one more goal, one more thing to hold onto, that mattered enough to be worth the pain hoping that if I can just get there that mayb something will change enough

    Had a meeting on my calendar for 2 weeks that was supposed to happen yesterday - canceled at the last minute - they looked at the options and said "we don't need you"

    New round of self-assessment, goals for work for the new year - I have nothing - they rejected "staying alive" as a goal so that's off the table

    I don't want to feel any more

    Can't change my fate

    There are no magic wands
     
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    god i'm a mess

    spend all my life worrying about everybody else, caring, trying to be there

    why isn't there someone like that for me?

    crying like crazy at my desk, trying desparately not to let the screams in my head out of my mouth - feels like my chest wants to explode

    i'm never going to be strong enough, good enough

    the stash in my desk is calling to me, 16 little pills hidden away

    those and a quick trip to the pharmacy are all i need

    then i can hide in the hollow behind the stairwell and finally let everything go

    why shoudln't i? WHY THE FUCK SHOULDN'T I?!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 15, 2011
  15. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    at least you have a family. what would they advise. i will pray you get through the day.
     
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i keep failing them over an over and over and over and over

    just have to fail one last time and they'll never be let down again

    it hurts - it hurts so damned much
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 15, 2011
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    manager just walked by and asked if i was having a bad allergy day

    guess that's one way to explain my eyes right now

    real allergies are going to get a whole lot worse soon

    can't shake this - god i just want to lay down and die and if god won't help me i'll do it myself
     
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't even talke a walk during lunch because manager has called for a lunch meeting

    been able to mostly avoid people all day but now i have to somehow get it together and under control

    feels like pure hell - everything is noise in my head

    why won't it end why won't it end why won't it end why won't it end
     
  19. Degenerate Escapist

    Degenerate Escapist Well-Known Member

    Please stay strong for your family, it's devistating to lose someone you love, especially from suicide.
     
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    how?

    my strength has its limits and is nearly spent

    failing at everything important

    ignored at work, at home

    i'm exhausted fighting all of this because it NEVER ENDS
     
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