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how do i fight this

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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#1
2 days of hell

2 days of misery

today i find out that my daughter was one of 6 volunteers that left college to support another town's request for emergency assistance during recent flooding from the last tropical storm - they spent 30 waking hours transporting, carrying for, rescuing people in need

every parent wants their children to be better than they were - that's the whole point

as much as i've fucked things up my daughter has already proved that she's turned into a better person than i could ever hope to be

george eastman had a dream - he wanted to create a device that he could put into the hands of the average person so that they could collect and save their memories - his gift was a camera - and he cofounded the eastman/kodak company

then, because his life's work was over, he killed himself

that's what i feel like right now

i have nothing left to offer - it's all done

i have no purpose - time for me to leave
 

meme333

Well-Known Member
#2
I don't understand why this would mean it's over for you.

I think you should be proud.
She made some good decisions.

There are values she has learned from you or from circumstance.
I tend to believe she learned this from you?

Hang in there. I don't know you but I am sure you have a lot
to offer the world and if we could speak I'm sure we could find many reasons for you to stick around.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#3
well you obviously did something right then hun you should be proud right now of YOUR accomplishments raising such a compassionate caring daughter
She will always always need that care from you hugs
 

LostNerd

Well-Known Member
#4
You do have a purpose! You're daughter may be independent but every girl still needs her parents!

Hey! I'm a guy and lost my dad when I was 9 and that hurt! So much! I was having the same type of feelings that I no longer wanted to be here etc...

The only thing you can do is talk, but only when you want to. I'm glad you could post this!

My name is Peter, and I'm one of many here for you. :)
 
#5
WastingEcho you should hang in there buddy. I lost my father when I was 3 and I'm sure my life would have been drastically different (for the better) if he had still been alive. You might think you don't have anything to live for but you'd be surprised how much your daughter needs you for emotional support. Keep on living even if it is just for her continued happiness, she will be much better off with you alive, trust me.
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#6
i have no future for myself - can't see one

can't see myself as a grandparent

i've only held on this long for my kids

now they outstripped me and i can stop fighting the pain
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#7
why do you look at their accomplishments with pain when they should be looked at with pride and happiness knowing all you did to get her there
they have not outstripped you they are a part of you a part now showing the world how well you have done hun Be happy for not in pain
 
#9
Look wasting, there are moments when we all feel depressed and when we all feel that we don't have anything to live for. That is why we are here at this forum to give each other the support we need to get through the hard times and persevere until we feel we are in a better place mentally and emotionally. I don't mean to sound like a therapist but in order for us to help you, you have to tell us exactly what it is that you are feeling. I understand that your daughter is virtuous and you feel she has outshone you in terms of her accomplishments and deeds but you should be extremely proud of the fact that she has done just that. If anything, that should give you a reason to want to live and love life. From the looks of it, you were in a bad situation when you had her and yet she turned out alright. You should feel :stars: for that reason alone, man. Seriously, hang in there if only for your daughter. She does not deserve to see you so depressed and on the verge of suicide after everything you have been through raising her. Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss this some more or just post your thoughts right here; even if I don't reply immediately don't think I won't get back to you as soon as possible. Remember in order to accept help you have to be able to receive help.
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#10
If I only learned one thing it's that we don't get what we deserve

She is at school so she won't see me like this anyway

My heart feels heavy - sitting on the train waiting for it to take me to a job wherevtyey would rather be rid of me so I can come home to a selfish woman who I don't want to be married to any more - filled with self-hatred and pain day after day after day after day just so I could my children ready for life on their own

They're ready

I'm finished - why continue when I have nothing left to look forward to?
 

IV2010

Well-Known Member
#12
echo your children will always need their Dad...my 36 year old is going through a hard time and still needs me here for her ...I wish she didn't but ...
I so wish you could find some hope *hug*
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#13
For years I kept trying to find one more goal, one more thing to hold onto, that mattered enough to be worth the pain hoping that if I can just get there that mayb something will change enough

Had a meeting on my calendar for 2 weeks that was supposed to happen yesterday - canceled at the last minute - they looked at the options and said "we don't need you"

New round of self-assessment, goals for work for the new year - I have nothing - they rejected "staying alive" as a goal so that's off the table

I don't want to feel any more

Can't change my fate

There are no magic wands
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#14
god i'm a mess

spend all my life worrying about everybody else, caring, trying to be there

why isn't there someone like that for me?

crying like crazy at my desk, trying desparately not to let the screams in my head out of my mouth - feels like my chest wants to explode

i'm never going to be strong enough, good enough

the stash in my desk is calling to me, 16 little pills hidden away

those and a quick trip to the pharmacy are all i need

then i can hide in the hollow behind the stairwell and finally let everything go

why shoudln't i? WHY THE FUCK SHOULDN'T I?!
 
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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#16
i keep failing them over an over and over and over and over

just have to fail one last time and they'll never be let down again

it hurts - it hurts so damned much
 
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Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#17
manager just walked by and asked if i was having a bad allergy day

guess that's one way to explain my eyes right now

real allergies are going to get a whole lot worse soon

can't shake this - god i just want to lay down and die and if god won't help me i'll do it myself
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#18
can't even talke a walk during lunch because manager has called for a lunch meeting

been able to mostly avoid people all day but now i have to somehow get it together and under control

feels like pure hell - everything is noise in my head

why won't it end why won't it end why won't it end why won't it end
 

Wastingecho

Well-Known Member
#20
how?

my strength has its limits and is nearly spent

failing at everything important

ignored at work, at home

i'm exhausted fighting all of this because it NEVER ENDS
 
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