How Do I Find a Reason to Want to Live with This Any Longer?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by infiniti1027, Aug 7, 2010.

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  1. infiniti1027

    infiniti1027 Member

    Every day is a struggle just to get through the day. There is no joy in my life whatsoever. I am tired of living with this disease/disorder ... whatever it's called these days. Some days are somewhat bearable for a little while, but since I am rapid cycling, that could change at a moment.

    I am bipolar II and borderline personality. I was diagnosed and began treatment in 2007, though I had been living with them unknown as to what it was since my mid -teens. I don't honestly know what was worse - the knowledge and education of now, or the not knowing and ignorance of then.

    My medications don't seem to last long without needing to be adjusted. I am in constant emotional pain. Being bipolar II, I am subject to overwhelming depression and my life is incredibly unstable and unmanageable. I am twice divorced and newly separated from a recent long-term relationship with ... get this ... a recovering addict. He's doing wonderful in his recovery and can't be with me because of the instability and chaos of MY life.

    Being bipolar II AND borderline, I am extremely prone to suicidal tendencies, and I am quite suicidal now. I mean, I have no purpose in this life. I have an OK job. Not my favorite, but it sorta pays the bills. I won't be able to retire; I will have to work until I die. I have kids that won't grow up and move out so they just sponge off of me, so I feel obligated to stay alive because of them. OBLIGATED ... not that I want to, and that's wrong. But they don't respect me, they just use me. One daughter (21) refuses to grow up, doesn't have a car, doesn't have a job, can't support herself and has no ambition. The other daughter (18) starts college in the fall and will be studying ... get this ... PSYCHOLOGY ... but resents the hell out of me for having my disorders and won't even take the time to read up on them to even understand them and have any kind of empathy for me for what I have to deal with for the rest of my fucking life.

    I have no friends because I was isolated for 10 years by an abusive ex-husband, and I don't make friends easy, and I just moved to a new town where I know no one. I'm shy so it's hard for me to go places by myself and just insert myself into crowds and say HERE I AM READY TO MEET YALL!!!

    I have absolutely no purpose in life. I am not religious and DO NOT WANT TO BE. God gave me these disorders and I am not done resenting that shit.

    My kids know I am suicidal at times and they just tell me I am selfish. Well my response to that is how selfish is it for them to want me to live just because THEY want me around for their selfish reasons when I am in so much pain???? To me that's like forcing a last-stage cancer patient whose pain meds are no longer working to live when they are beyond help and they just want to die (yes, I am an advocate for assisted suicide in terminal patients). How selfish is it for them to want me to endure this much pain that I simply am tired of and can barely endure just for them? Why can't they be selfless enough to just let me go? Why can't they understand???? Or at least try to???? I am not happy!!!

    I cry every day!!! I pray for a truck to hit me broadside at a high speed. I pray for a crane to drop on my car on my way to work through a construction zone. I pray for a heart attack. I pray for a brain tumor. I even pray for a reason to WANT to live.

    I go through the motions. I go to work, I pay my bills, I take my meds. I barely eat because I just don't care. I'm even trying to make friends. But seriously, it takes all I've got to do the most simplest of things.

    I just moved into a new house in a new town and I don't even want to unpack boxes. I want to get the ones out of the garage so I can put my car in there and get in it and sit in there and start the engine when no one is home.

    I just want out.

    I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday, and an appointment w/ my psychiatrist on Thursday to try to once again adjust my meds. I am currently on 100mg Pristiq, 200mg Topamax, 300mg Wellbutrin, 3mg Klonopin, 15mg Abilify daily. We are thinking about changing my mood stabilizer to Lamictal.

    Maybe that will help. I told my psych that I would give it 3-4 weeks and see if there was any change.

    After that, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.

    I can't continue going on like this. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live with these disorders anymore. I didn't ask for them, I hate them. They make me hate myself and how I feel. They make me hate how I make others feel. They make me hate the fact that no one wants to be around me. They make me realize that I will never have a substantial relationship in my life because of them. If I can't stand me or being around me, why would anyone else. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Alone is ok for awhile. Alone is ok everyone in awhile. I don't HAVE to have someone. But I would like to not be alone for the rest of my life.

    And no one wants to deal with the shit I have to deal with. No one wants to put up with the kind of person I am. The chaotic, unstable, unpredictable, mood-swing bullshit crazy person that I can't stand. If I can't stand myself, how can I expect anyone else to????

    I just want out of this!!!! I don't want to live this way anymore. I really don't. I know other people have adapted and deal with it just fine, but I just can't do it anymore. I've been doing it for 25 years and I'm DONE!!!!
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