How do I forgive myself?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by helpnow42, Sep 25, 2015.

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  1. helpnow42

    helpnow42 New Member

    I've done bad things. I've placed myself at risk in ways that could destroy my family. If I got divorced, that would hurt my kids. If I hurt my kids... I literally don't know if I could live with it. It's like a nightmare, and it's all my fault.

    If I could really forgive myself, maybe I could finally stop doing self-destructive things. But how? I'm not religious - I can't ask Jesus for forgiveness. I just need to figure out how to slow down, focus, and start doing things to benefit myself and my family, and get enjoyment out of that. I'm getting older, but I still don't know how yet.

    Anyone ever feel like that?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi, I am religious and I still find it nigh on impossible to forgive things in my past.
    Something my parish priest once said to me gave me food for thought though.
    Basically, he said to hang on to guilt was tantamount to revelling in it.
    He also said, would you forgive another person the same thing you are holding onto.
    As the answer was yes, I would forgive another person, I've decided to try and be more gentle with myself and to lay the past where it belongs; with the added caveat, that I would strive my utmost to never do any of it again.

    Hope this helps :)
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    I am also religious, but find it impossible to forgive myself for some things I have done. Most of those things are things I have done to myself rather then others. Forgiveness is a very difficult thing. Especially when it comes to forgiving ourselves. It seems we find it easier to be kind to others, but remain brutally hard on ourselves. And that lack of forgiveness can make for a very miserable life. I encourage you to keep trying to forgive yourself. It is worth the effort.

    When it comes to slowing down and focusing, perhaps you could start by making a list. Of things you would like to find time to do. Both for yourself, and with your family. Maybe involve your family in the making of this list. Start easy. Do one thing a week. Add more as you get comfortable. It does not have to be anything difficult. Watch a movie together, make a batch of cookies, get a haircut, go to a restaurant you have never tried before. Just find one thing that you can smile about when the week comes to an end.

    Best wishes to you.
  5. MaddScott

    MaddScott Member

    I have come to realize that the self destructive things I have done, like extramarital sex, are done out of the same desire to commit suicide. I have wanted to kill myself for a long time but it's taken me a while to get my personal things in order. Having the desire to end my life, but not having the opportune time, led me to these destructive behaviors. Some people cut themselves, burn themselves, etc. I engaged in high risk affairs not for the pleasure of the sex (which was never as good as what I get at home) but from the desire to harm myself. Does that make any sense?
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes it does.
    It's a way of getting punished, if the transgression came to light.
    I'm assuming your spouse/partner would leave if you got found out and so you'd get that punishment and also another load of guilt because of the hurt you had caused.

    Have you spoken to anyone about suicidal thoughts and your destructive tendencies?
  7. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Helpnow42, I can not speak for anyone else in here, only for myself, Yes! I have felt like that, I have no one left in my life that I can hurt, I have driven them all away, I am not going to judge you, I will not say this or that was wrong, that is not in my nature, You are doing that yourself, I know or at least I think and feel I know what you are going through, I think you are putting yourself through a hell worse then anyone else would, You have your own sense or right and wrong, you think you know how others will judge you, I think you may be surprised but I don't think you can accept that now! You don't have to, You are in the right place right now, this room and some of the people here have been through all if not just some of what you are going through right now! Ask around do some reading of things some have written in here spend a little to reading and relaxing when you can in here, I promise no one will judge you here, we are here because many of us have done some of the same things, You will be surprised to find out you are not alone,
    my mother told me one time, any thing you do or anything that you can conceive of doing, has already been done before by someone else at least once before, It Is True as you will find, Please be gentle on yourself right now you are hurting, this is not the time to make any decisions, be informed be careful and be kind to yourself! Please!
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