How do I get over this?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by vesuvius, Mar 19, 2014.

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  1. vesuvius

    vesuvius Member

    So basically, attempted in November. It was my first year back at university after dropping out in 2008 due to being ill. Hadn't attempted since 2008 because I spent a long time in residential and felt like I was recovered until last year. Took a stupidly large overdose, found five hours later. Apparently I'd stopped breathing when they found me, so I'm told another couple of minutes and I would have died. They also suspected brain damage because of lack of oxygen, I was in a coma for a few days. Liver and kidneys already dodgy from an attempt when I was 17, in 2007, now they're slightly worse but still hanging in there - although I tried drinking alcohol over the summer [january - I live in southern hemisphere] and had kidney pains after a couple of glasses of cider.
    It's just, like... I should have died. I was so, so close. And at the time, it was really surreal, because it took me ages to even process the fact that I had attempted. And then I was furious at having survived. But after I got out of hospital, my parents fought against having me sectioned to the psych ward, so I was allowed to go back to their home, in another city. I worked in my Mum's bookshop over the summer, and have been fine - mindless job that I enjoy, sunshine, no university pressures.
    Only now I've been back at university for a few weeks, and all of the thoughts are crowding back in, and I'm kind of grieving over the stupid attempt in November, and I don't know how to get over it. I'm turning 24 in a week, birthdays are always triggering for me anyway. I'm getting flashbacks. Dissociation, voices. <mod edit- methods> It's not even that I'm particularly depressed right now - only that I can't see a way to survive life and suicide feels inevitable.
    I'm not really asking any specific questions here, so I suppose that's not helpful, I just needed to say this to people who do not know me and therefore aren't going to raise an alarm. Just... how do other people cope with the trauma of near-successful (or even not near-successful) attempts? How do you go on living?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 20, 2014
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    always be in the present and enjoy all the small things
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    scaryforest is right hun live in the present in the moment ok do things that will bring you joy. Do something that you never have done before you always wanted to do ok
    If you can talk to the school your at and seek counseling ok that is what they are there for to talk to people that are struggling
  4. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    maybe school isn't for you, maybe it's too much pressure, you should avoid things that trigger you.
  5. Liquid Jello

    Liquid Jello Well-Known Member

    hi Vesuvius:

    sorry to hear things are so hard again. I'm not sure how someone survive's a suicide attempt. I've overdosed a couple times myself a few years back, though never went to the hospital--just woke up on my own. and ur right, it is kinda pissy in an ironic sort of way to have to wake up afterward. at the same time, of course, it's good not to have completed the suicide. I really don't think about the attempts that much; I'm actually feel kinda ashamed of them in a way, or feel some guilt perhaps. I mostly just try to hold on and realize that it would be such a traumatic thing for the people around me if I ever would complete a suicide. and, I try and find ways to get a break/distraction from some of the very difficult feelings. I, too, have a history of major dissociation; at one time I had a clear diagnosis of DID/MPD. so I can perhaps relate a bit to what u posted. hope you have a few breaks in the day, when the tough feelings ease up a bit. that's always helpful for me, even though the whole thing can sometimes be a very tiring process.

    take care, Vesuvius.

  6. vesuvius

    vesuvius Member

    Idk I guess I just have to get over it but it was somewhat of a relief to be able to say all this stuff. I do have a therapist, I've known her for many years (she was my therapist while I was in long-term residential treatment), but I just feel like I'm flogging a dead horse by talking about this stuff, and I don't want her to worry that I'm somewhat back there, although not as bad as last year. But whatever. Thanks for your replies, anyway.

    No, unfortunately that is absolutely not an option for me. It's what I'm living for. The idea of having to go back to working full-time in a supermarket, which is what I did after I got out of residential, is the most horrifying prospect. I need to be at university so I can get jobs and not be a minimum-wage till slave for the rest of my life? I have decreased my university workload though, so I guess that'll help. I don't know.

    Thanks for your replies anyway, y'all
  7. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Is there a possibility of school but a lighter schedule - 1/2 or 3/4 time student for a semester or two to reduce the stress load while you get acclimated again?

    So far as why does your mind always go there - simple - it is a habit. After years of suicidal thoughts any type of stress that is an automatic response. Unfortunately that derails a lot of recoveries because when those thoughts come back as idle thought sin out minds we put far too much weight on them and think we are deep into the spiral down again while in fact it is sometimes just habit. There are lots of positive thought patterns people have that work the same way - but positive or negative, it is just a habit or thought process and doe snot mean by itself that there is something wrong or you are "sick" or getting worse and if you are not depressed or feeling the urge to act on it I would not give a lot of extra weight to the random thoughts. Discussing this with your therapist is not beating a dead horse - it is coping with looking at suicidal thoughts in a more positive light..... a process that says you are learning to deal with the thoughts without acting or allowing it to push you into hopelessness and despair because you have learned that they are simply thoughts and not your best or only option.
  8. victoriangirl

    victoriangirl New Member

    I survived my last serious attempt too. It was also a 'miracle' that I am here. The only thing I feel about it is that besides the mixed feelings about it being an unsuccessful attempt, it also gives me strength to find the reason why I survived. Why was I kept alive? Why didn't the drugs simply kill me? why was put here on earth in the first place? And that answer has been very obvious for me. I rescue animals now. I love animals, they keep me alive at the moment. I have no friends, no one close to me, but I don't want any human in my life either. I love my animals and how wonderful they are. They are true angels.
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