How do I get rid of Infatuation?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by yous, Dec 22, 2010.

  1. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Please someone help me.

    I have a serious problem with being infatuated with a person I know I'm wrong for/he's wrong for me but can't help but think about everyday. We live far from each other and mostly communicate via email or texting. We only saw each other shortly once and met online. This is why I believe I have made up in my own head an infatuation with the person because essentially we don't know each other very well. So far I've know this person for half a year now.

    Most of the time our relationships are based on teasing each other to create a distraction and there is no real solid communication about our actual daily lives because he is incapable of such communications - almost like he wants his privacy. I have tried before to get him to be 'normal' like everyone talking about how there day went, but he always resorts back to mind games.

    I feel I am getting too involved with person and I tried so very hard to keep my distance but I just can't. Everytime we have at least a few days where we haven't spoken, I feel lost and lonely and want to contact him again, or get him to contact me so that I can feel wanted.

    I live a rather pathetic life where I don't really have anybody. I even found a new hobby to occupy myself and that has been going rather well. But still it hasn't reduced the fact that I still think about him and that sometimes we talk.

    Even when we talk minimal, there is still that infatuated feeling. He knows too. That I like him and he's toying with me. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I wouldn't be on this board if I hadn't had depression, so this is a very dangerous path I'm on.

    Please someone help me. If you need to ask questions, I will fill in more details, but I really need to get over this guy and move on.
  2. victor

    victor Account Closed

    well, theres nothing wrong with having a long distance relationship, tho if possible - its better to chose not to, as its really hard..
    but as i can see from ur post its not ur regular long distance relationship as u seem to have a communication problem - which i dont really understand due to lack of information. what exactly do u mean by his incapability of having normal conversation?
    n yeh, personally i think ure kinda desperate for any relationship (i might be wrong tho) thats why u keep holding onto that guys as its everything u have at the moment. and the fact u found a hobby to keep ur mind occupied wont change much as ure stil goin to bed alone at night. no hobby or activity will ever be a substitute for a happy relationship. personally me - i tried to work round the clock to kill loneliness at some point of my life, and that kinda did it, but only coz ure too tired to feel lonely - to feel anything at all really. but thats not the way, ull just cover the problem up but wont resolve it
  3. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    I, too, had a seriously deep infatuation with a guy I met online. Feel free to PM me if you want to swap stories, advice, etc. I'd rather not tell my story out in the open here, it ended in serious, serious pain... The pain that made me come to this forum in the first place.
  4. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    same here how do i get ridd of it!
  5. Staysuplate

    Staysuplate Member

    Can I ask you a question, to be answered candidly? I realize thats a big thing to ask, but I think it will work.

    The question would be, do you think you have a chance with this person? The sooner you accept you have no chance, what so ever, realize its really, not going to happen. No possible way. Once you convince yourself that, then you can actually start the process of moving on, properly. Least thats what I honestly think and find as common advice.

    Beyond that, I would recommend if you could? That you also stop interacting with this person. Start finding new people, or hanging out with friends more, or taking up a new hobby, which I know might sound hard, but probably easier short term, than dealing with painful heartbreakage.

    This person, maybe draining your confidence that could be better used elsewhere. Finding yourself a new hobby was very good, well done!

    You can feel free to attributing false, but potentially true aspects of your infatuation, maybe if they gross you out on some level it may be easier to get over them? I mean, there is a strong possibility that this person you like, kicks dogs and shouts at elderly people. Just sayin', maybe he picks his nose as well. Are you sure your still infatuated with them?

    Oh and since I asked you a question, I feel like I should reveal stuff about myself, just to be fair. I use to be really shy, and I have had two rather large and embarrassing infatuations/crushes (they weren't one sided, but they weren't going to work out well for me) in my life so far. One I had on my art teachers assistant, another on my boss. i could only get over them, once they were out of my life, completely. These days, I am a pretty messed up person, but none of my issues involve romance and I did eventually run back into my first crush, and she actually looked quite differently from how I remembered her. I believe because of a similar process you speak of, building people up in your head. It was a great feeling.

    Anyway, good luck!
  6. alexman

    alexman Banned Member

    tried it doesnt work
  7. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    This is going to sound retarded.. The best way I find, is to kinda break myself into two parts. One part that truly believes and lives the fantasy, then another part that accepts the limitations of reality. I let the fantasy play in my head, then smash my perception of reality against it, making it explain to the fantasy part what is missing. Since a fantasies are smooth fluid thoughts that seem to connect, the reality explains the missing aspects and irrational parts to the fantasy. It's almost as if it shows the gaps that have been covered up, and when those parts are exposed, the reality of seeing how things could and will be different kinda present themselves. In the end, once the awareness is there,(which can be difficult on its own), you have to make the choices of what not to accept, and what to accept.
    In the end, the only way I can break fantasies is because I need to be true to myself. And a fantasy, as comforting as it is, is a lie for the most part.
  8. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Yes it is indeed a communication problem. I suppose he never took me seriously or valued my friendship. I tried hard talking about day to day things like normally friends would do, but he would always resort to humiliating me or ego boosting himself in such a way I would cry at night. I am desperate for any relationship. All I wanted was a friend to talk to me, someone I liked and liked me. I didn't expect an actual romantic relationship, but I fell for him a bit. So I stuck around. I tried working or taking on a hobby but I still thought of him. Thanks for confirming that's not the way to cover it up. i was too tired to be lonely, but still I wanted him around.
  9. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    @deferred dream & Alexman, I will PM you.
  10. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I actually think I do. Believe it or not somewhere it my stupid fantasy head of mine, I have thoughts that we would be together, if not romantically, but at least friends. It's hard to explain this, but I don't have any friends whatsoever. And he has been the first to be able to keep up with a communication(however stupid this communication is) with me. Everyone else I've met before, just fades away. I have never had anyone ever stick with me for longer than a month give or take, and that is not talking to each other every day or so. So I just thought if I keep going in this unhealthy relationship it could potentially develop into something. Yeah that's what I keep telling myself.

    I took on a somewhat full time job thinking it would help, but it didn't. I tried finding new people, but nobody was like him who stuck around. I haven't had time for a new hobby since I got the job, but I did take on a sort of relaxation but still hard. Maybe it takes time.

    This advice really helped me think. Thanks for pointing that out. So true. Yeah he thinking gross, sickly about him really is a turn off.

    Yeah I agree its a great feeling making up fantasies about a person you would think would turn out perfect for you but is an actual lie. I just have trouble believing/defeating this lie. Thanks for your great advice!!
  11. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I have trouble breaking down the fantasy. I have an enormous imagination in my head. Well that is, I think to much. It is obvious or wouldn't be on here saying I was depressed person and calling myself names and thinking up this jerk as one of my fantasies, but when reality hits me, I feel useless, lonely, pathetic, depressed, etc. I like my fantasy world. I mean we all daydream every once in a while to avoid the stress in real life. Unfortunately my life is all stress. There really isn't anything in my real life I look forward to and can be happy about. So I resort to this way of thinking. I'm afraid my fantasy side took over. But it is a great advice and I will definitely try it.
  12. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I'm in a very similar situation at the moment myself - not many people bother to talk to me for very long, or stick around, but there is this one person I know online that has stuck by me for five years now, and although he has huge communication problems and hates me getting too "personal", I'd like to think we're good friends. Lately I've begun to develop feelings for him and think about him a lot. If we haven't spoken in a few days I text him or send him a message about silly little things, just so he'll talk to me. It's really pathetic, especially since this guy has no feelings for me whatsoever and barely even treats me like a friend anymore (his communication problems have gotten worse in the past few years), I still have a silly little infatuation with him and keep checking up on him, etc.

    Anyway, just saying that I know what you're going through to some extent, and I know how hard it is because you just want someone to talk to you and even though you think badly of yourself, you still have silly little fantasy thoughts that just maybe he likes you and will ask you out. Can't really give any advice since I'm in a similar pickle myself, but from what advice I've been told about my situation it seems the general view point is to tell this person the way you feel straight out and see what their reaction is. If they feel the same, then that's good, if not, just walk away, cause at the end of the day you're only setting yourself up to be hurt. If you walk away, you may be able to avoid that and move on.
  13. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing that. I'm glad I'm not the only one. With this person I'm infatuated with, he has sort played me before in a way that led me to believe he liked me at one point. It could have been a lie, which likely it was, but he had mentioned before about wanting to be my boyfriend, or made up stories that played with my fantasy in a very romantic way. I liked him and never have before liked anyone so this was very scary for me. I was too freaked out to actually consider what he was saying. So I never could tell if it was real. That's his communication problem. I never really know if he's for real or joking. And if I were to make him speak clearly on his mind, he would just shut me out and say goodbye...or insult me negatively(supposedly as a joke) for a while until I apologize and he'll come back to me.

    He always ran the relationship. I never got to say something on my mind and he would change for me. There was a very long time I had thought his insults were real, and he wold say it was a joke, but they hurt and he continued anyway. He's real hard to read since we only speak online. So sometimes I don't know if we understand each other well. I really don't have enough willpower to just shove this aside and move on. I wish there was a cure. I'm sorry to see you may be going through the same thing. I can't understand why people don't value friendship. I would do anything to have people stick with me for that long and check up on me, care and worry for me. And these people out there take advantage of us and for granted.
  14. jota1

    jota1 Well-Known Member

    Maybe your unfairly projecting your feelings onto what he probably considers to be a "simple" online friendship.

    Why not keep the friend and forget the infatuation.
  15. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    You are so right. I tried just doing that. Keeping the friend without the infatuation, but its kinda of hard when we actually talk like we are a couple. If he isn't half the time negatively criticizing, or teasing me in a negative way, we flirt.

    He has no other way of communicating. I would ask about his day, and he would either not answer, make it as a joke, or keep it real simple. Any idea why someone would do that? I mean everyone else I came across are fine talking about their general day. He used to do this. He used to briefly talk about his interests and his day, but then he stopped sharing these things and now sticks to just these topics above I mentioned. I'm getting tired of it and am trying to negatively think this is stupid and he is too. But it's only a matter of time probably before I get back into routine with him.