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How do i go on?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by An Angel in Black, Feb 2, 2008.

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  1. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    hi, i just lost one of my dearest friends tonight, and to be honest i thought she was my soulmate, and i thought i finally found love. i felt like i couldnt even say i love you. i did, but its almost as if i lied when i said it. i felt so empty inside i honestly didnt know what to say, i was speechless. but i managed to somehow say it...literally, i felt like i couldnt feel a thing, love, pain, pleasure, thoughts, good or bad, i felt like all of it had been drained from me and i was completely lifeless. i wanted to cry so badly, but i couldnt even bring myself to do that i was so empty inside. it was the worst feeling id ever known. and the fact that i knew i was never going to see her agian ever made things worse. i parted my ways when the time came and i wanted to forget about it so bad, ohhh sooo badly. :unsure: so i call up my friend and were already schedualed to hang out because we made engagments two weeks prior. none the less i dont wont to come off being more selfish or a basterd than i already was, so i dressed up as nice as i could, in my best and only suit. i like to dress up llike this because i somehow feel better about myself whenever i do..is this normal? after that, i head out picking up my sister from work and we head out to a nice resturant to eat, and i try to laugh and be happy because im such a worthless son of a bitch i didnt want to spoil anyones evening because of my worthless goddamn self. so i try as hard as i can to be normal, because NOONE knows im sick, so i have to play the part of being normal..right? i tried so hard to forget, and i think i kind of did..i feel bad because its so GODDAMN FUCKING SELFISH OF ME!!!!:mad: at the same time the pain was unbearable. :sad: now im home, as always in the dark, in my room, alone once agian, still unable to cry, unable to do anything but try and divert my fucking thoughts elsewhere. im crying on the inside, my heart is 100x times heavier than it used to be, its fill with pain, despair and torture. i dont see myself moving forward right now, and i feel closer to THE GODDAMN FUCKING GUN THAN EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to die SOOOOOOOOOOOOO BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god i want to FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!??? WHY MUST I CONTINUALLY SUFFER?????? im back to feeling FUCKING ALONE!! and I FUCKING HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no wait, here come the tears, ive come to realize ill always be alone, ill never find true love, ill always be in the shadows of others. like my friend, whos smarter, better off, a better person, better with directions, better AT EVERYTHING THAN ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my dad is so nice to him, hes such a gentleman AND NOT A GODDAMN DUMBASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:mad: the whole time i was with my friend all i could think about was the goddamn gun. I WANT TO BLOW MY FUCKIN BRAINS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tell me how to cope with that?!!!!!!!!!!:unsure: IM SO GODDAMN WORTHLESS NOONE WANTS TO BE WITH ME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS WHY THEY LEAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS WHY THEY LEAVE MY GODDAMN ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont even see the point in typing anymore, much less living.:huh: i just...................want to die.:unsure: and to make everything all FUCKING BETTER, I HAVE TO PRETEND TO HAPPY AND NORMAL, DAY IN AND DAY OUT..CAUSE IM WITH MY FAMILY OR ILL HAVE HE IMPORTANT JOB INTERVIEWS THAT IVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO< AND TO KNOW I HAVE TO ACT HAPPY FEELING LIKE I DO is..........................FUck it i dont even care anymore

    p.s. i told you id get what i deserve...and i got it...........
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2008
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Angel.... x's & o's
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    im sorry for your loss :hug:
  4. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    translate please..im so fucking stupid i need it in simpler terms..
  5. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    not as sorry as i am, god im so fucking worthless...im sorry, god i dont mean to be mean but i feel like fucking killing myself tonight...i feel fucking horrible
  6. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i want blood. i want to fucking cut myself tilll i pass out. i want to cut my fucking arms to hell. i want to fucking bleed, no..i need to fucking bleed. i need to fucking cut myself till im covered in my own blood..FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Im so sorry for your loss
    what happened? I could probably understand as Ive lost my own brother and a friend to suicide. I know what you are coming through.
    I wish I could hug you tight.
    I am so very sorry to hear of your loss and the pain you are feeling. The grief from a suicide is so horrific and sudden, that it's a very difficult form of grief to deal with. Grief is also a very individual thing, everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Guilt is also a very heavy burden that people take on or throw in other people's direction at a time like this. Please know that no one is responsible for your friend's death
    Don't take on guilt for your friend's act and do not let anyone put guilt on you. There are so many raw emotions flowing after a suicide, it's hard to sort them out

    I am where you are describing back to the guilt feelings. If only I could turn back time I would not have let my bro leave the house that day

    The thing is Everything is overwhelming right now, for you . It will take time, a lot of time to even begin to recreate your life. but you are not responsible for your friend loss because it was her decision.
    She wouldnt have wanted to see you die nor to cause you pain. She probably was in such despair and pain that she couldnt think properly.
    try to honour her memory by living and trying to be happy.
    Thats what Ive been trying to. Im depressed myself and it can be very hard sometimes to think past that.
    Iam all here for you. And all I know how or what to say is just keep breathing
    Ireally know what you ve been through, you can talk to me anytime.

    Hold on

    All my love,
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2008
  8. New-Hope

    New-Hope Well-Known Member

    Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry :hug: I'll send you a PM :sad:
  9. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    thank you sherridan for your words. i just dont know how i should feel right now.
  10. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    thank you new hope, but i just want to die
  11. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    Oh hun... *hugs you lots*

    I really hope you can get through this.
  12. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    whats the point, youre going to leave me to. everyone leaves me, ill always be alone. ALWAYS FUCKING ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  13. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    It's not the first time you hear this, but i'm very sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say, i've never been in love and i'm not even really looking forward to it right now, still I feel for you:sad:
  14. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    words of advice, dont. theyll leave you anyway. in the end youll ALWAYS BE FUCKING GODDAMN ALONE DAMNIT AND THERES NOT A GODDAMN THING YOU CAN DO TO FUCKING CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please Angel, don't kill yourself. I know you loved Agnes and I also believed that she was your soulmate. But she asked you not to kill yourself, because of her. Someone will come along who will love you and you will love her and you will love your life. Please Angel, I've already lost Agnes, I don't want to lose you too.
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    So how are you feeling Angel?
  17. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i dont know, i want to foget so as not to feel anymore pain but i dont want to forget, ever...:unsure: then i talked to another friend, pretty mch said she was gonna leave me, like i said, alone:eek:hmy:
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