Three weeks ago my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me. He's going through some really shit stuff with his family. Has moved out on his own and as a result has acquired some new "friends". Since he started hanging out with them he has started drinking & smoking pot everyday. This is a guy who HATED drugs & alcohol. I know he's looking for acceptance & these guys want to hang out with him because he has his own place. Since his new "friends" showed up he has become a completely different person. He ditches me for them. He's cold. He's pushing me away. He says he wants to be my friend, that he can't cope with being in a relationship. He calls me today after work, he's carrying in beer from his trunk, getting ready for another drink fest, doesn't want me around. For 4 1/2 years he was my life & I was his. He would have done anything for me. I was never pushed to the back burner. How did this happen? How can you stop loving someone you loved for so long??? Did he ever even love me? I haven't eaten in days, I can't stop crying. I can't stop the pain. I've told him how I feel, he tells me he loves me but can't be with me. I call him crying, he tells me my crying makes him feel guilty, he says he doesn't feel like he has a choice and that he has to be with me to keep me from hurting myself. I can't be with him because he feels bad for me. I pretend I'm ok. I told him I was going out tonight, I made up a fake friend & photo shopped my face into a picture of some girls at a party, i'll post it on Facebook later. I am truly pathetic. I just can't lay this guilt trip on him, I can't let him know that I am dying inside. I just don't understand how this happened?? I want my sweet, caring boyfriend back. I need him. Why doesn't he want me anymore? How can he just stop caring? I can't do this, I can't feel like this. I just want it to stop. Why is time so slow? Why is this happening? Im not strong enough to handle this. He promised me. He told me he would never hurt me that he would never walk away from me. I believed him. Why do men think it's ok to use & abuse me? My father left when I was young, has been in and out of my life, mostly out. My boyfriend really helped with these feelings of abandonment that I had, he was my sole support system & made me feel loved and worthy of being loved. Without him I feel like nothing. I can't make the pain stop, I am loosing my mind & have already lost my heart. 6 years ago I was raped by a 40+ year old man, I was 16. It screwed me up so bad. It made me feel so worthless. I can't even write about. It hurts so bad. I have no friends. zero. I have no job, I do go to school but they've been on strike for over a month. No social life. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to do but think & sit by myself. My self-esteem is non existent. I am nothing without him. He was my source of love, my sense of self. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how much longer I can take this. It's gotten so bad that I have to drink myself to sleep, I never used to drink. I can't make the pain stop.