How do I make it stop??

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SaddestGirl, Dec 2, 2008.

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  1. SaddestGirl

    SaddestGirl New Member

    Three weeks ago my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me. He's going through some really shit stuff with his family. Has moved out on his own and as a result has acquired some new "friends". Since he started hanging out with them he has started drinking & smoking pot everyday. This is a guy who HATED drugs & alcohol. I know he's looking for acceptance & these guys want to hang out with him because he has his own place. Since his new "friends" showed up he has become a completely different person. He ditches me for them. He's cold. He's pushing me away. He says he wants to be my friend, that he can't cope with being in a relationship. He calls me today after work, he's carrying in beer from his trunk, getting ready for another drink fest, doesn't want me around. For 4 1/2 years he was my life & I was his. He would have done anything for me. I was never pushed to the back burner. How did this happen? How can you stop loving someone you loved for so long??? Did he ever even love me? I haven't eaten in days, I can't stop crying. I can't stop the pain. I've told him how I feel, he tells me he loves me but can't be with me. I call him crying, he tells me my crying makes him feel guilty, he says he doesn't feel like he has a choice and that he has to be with me to keep me from hurting myself. I can't be with him because he feels bad for me. I pretend I'm ok. I told him I was going out tonight, I made up a fake friend & photo shopped my face into a picture of some girls at a party, i'll post it on Facebook later. I am truly pathetic. I just can't lay this guilt trip on him, I can't let him know that I am dying inside. I just don't understand how this happened?? I want my sweet, caring boyfriend back. I need him. Why doesn't he want me anymore? How can he just stop caring? I can't do this, I can't feel like this. I just want it to stop. Why is time so slow? Why is this happening? Im not strong enough to handle this.

    He promised me. He told me he would never hurt me that he would never walk away from me. I believed him. Why do men think it's ok to use & abuse me? My father left when I was young, has been in and out of my life, mostly out. My boyfriend really helped with these feelings of abandonment that I had, he was my sole support system & made me feel loved and worthy of being loved. Without him I feel like nothing. I can't make the pain stop, I am loosing my mind & have already lost my heart.

    6 years ago I was raped by a 40+ year old man, I was 16. It screwed me up so bad. It made me feel so worthless. I can't even write about. It hurts so bad.

    I have no friends. zero. I have no job, I do go to school but they've been on strike for over a month. No social life. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to do but think & sit by myself. My self-esteem is non existent. I am nothing without him. He was my source of love, my sense of self. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how much longer I can take this. It's gotten so bad that I have to drink myself to sleep, I never used to drink. I can't make the pain stop.
     
  2. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    First, Welcome!!

    Take it one step at a time. You let your words flow freely, and you got out what was deep inside last. You boyfriend isn't the answer to all of your problems, no matter how long you've known him. He's changed, and you can't use him, even as a crutch. But really is it that bad? Think about it long and hard. If you're not there for yourself, nobody else will be. Does this sound like you?
    http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml

    Wishing you all the best,

    OOTP
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 2, 2008
  3. SaddestGirl

    SaddestGirl New Member

    No.

    "a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day"

    If it only lasted a few hours or a day I could deal. It gets worse every day. It won't go away.

    After I was raped and tried to kill myself I was diagnosed with Social Phobia & depression. I was on Paxil. That was many years ago & didn't help much.

    It really is that bad. I can sometimes manage to talk myself into thinking that I'm ok but then it comes back. It gets worse everyday.
     
  4. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Ok. It seems like you've been holding a lot inside and are bursting out suddenly. I think that's a good thing and people are here to help. And it is possible to be severely depressed and have BPD in addition, not that it applies to you. Medications are not the answer, and neither is therapy. But once you find the right ones, or once you find the right coping mechanisms on your own, you may be on a road to be at peace with yourself. That's what matters. Countless members have had traumatic experiences. I've been doing fine, and I'm here to help for now. But ask people here, I have been in the deepest of holes, just like others here, just like you. Don't give up on yourself. Ever.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2008
  5. I sent you a private message. Like I said, I'll be talking to God about you, asking for help ::smile:
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Saddest Girl,
    I am male and just want you to know we get hurt in relationships also. I was with my fiance for six years. We bought a house together, had a joint checking account, and shared everything. Well I switched jobs after ten years with the previous one. I got stuck on third shift.
    While I was working my fiance started bar hopping with a GF and started cheating on me. She went goth. Cut her hair short , died it dark, wore black lipstick and finger nail polish, dressed all in black. We are talking about a fourty six year old woman with two children. Eventually she hooked up with a guy at work who got her doing cocaine again.
    She ripped me off for $18,000 that I put in our joint account. She started staying away three or four days a week. That turned into weeks. So I finally moved out because she didn't love me anymore. I was there packing up some stuff and she came home and asked me to forgive her and that she wanted to be with me. I thought it over for about two minutes and told her OH HELL NO!!! I wasn't going thru all that shit again. She also took all the money I had put in the bank and moved it to another account and there wasn't anything I could do about it. This all happened while I was in a nervous breakdown. I tried to kill myself. Eventually I got over her and never forgave her. So you see we get hurt also!~Joseph~
     
  7. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    It sounds to me like there is something bothering him in his life that has completely changed himself in everyway, maybe it's what happened with the family, I don't know. If you can figure out what's causing his behavior and try to help him... though I don't know how well you two still get along. Just a suggestion. Though keep in mind, drinking only makes depression worsen a great deal.

    Stay strong. :hug:
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear that you were hurt so badly. You sound so lonely:mad: Feel free to add me to msn if you need someone to talk to .
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 28, 2010
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