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How do I not eventually succumb?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bluegrey, Aug 7, 2008.

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  1. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I keep losing more abilities and freedom every year. My quality of life keeps diminishing and my world shrinking. I've been fighting OCD, GAD and bouts with major depression for twenty seven years and my level of functioning has declined dramatically. Less than twenty years ago I was working, getting about, involved in many hobbies (especially my off-road motorcycle) and to the best achievable degree of a ridiculously shy person- constantly involved with friends and outings.

    I'm now severely hampered by my OCD. My GAD has progressed to the point where my nerves are almost always frayed. Depression no longer is endured in bouts but is now almost continually present. My abilities to function through basic responsibilities and meeting the needs of an adult have become fairly poor. If I keep following this course I'm fearing I could end up in a group home. I'm being defensive but I feel like I've just painted myself as a pathetic creep.

    I come to this forum to try to be humorous, helpful and find some online kinship. I am ridiculously socially anxious (extreme physical abuse survivor) so I haven't and don't know when I can get to PMing anyone- I'm very sorry.

    Getting back to the thread title, I don't know how I can keep resisting what I see as a humane act by undoing this life I did not ask for. I know I will destroy the lives of the people who love me and infect them with the same, possibly even worse depression I am now battling. It is this knowledge that has sustained for a few years now. I am certain though it is only a matter of time before I surrender. Does anyone here feel suicide is your absolutely inevitable fate?
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I have times when I feel that no matter how hard I fight to hold on, eventually I will lose the fight. I do not want my children to have to deal with the aftermath a suicide leaves, so I will continue to fight as you have done up to this point. You have made it this long. Have faith in yourself that you have what it takes to make it all the way.
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I know it seems hard but you can and will make it through this. I have faith in you. Just keep your head up, :hug:
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Bluegrey,
    Is that how you perceive your self(pathetic creep). Then you must think the same for us, because we are right there with you.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Blue grey,
    I want to apologize for my last post. I had some anger built up and when I read that in your thread it just set me off. Ahain I am sorry for saying what Came to my mind!!!
  6. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I've made the same over-generalization as you, bg. Sometimes, I'm sure that most of us have times when we feel that suicide is our inevitable fate. The challenge is to replace those thoughts with positive, constructive ones. I understand being tired of being down. OCD, suicidal ideation, PTSD, BP, major depression, and anxiety disorder all combine to make my life seem pointless. But everyone manages to point out some reason that could make my life worthwhile. That helps me - maybe only temporarily, but it's better than digging my hole deeper. Forty years of all the pent up feelings have made me a challenging counselee. One day at a time...
  7. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Thank you bunches gentlelady and cerise_ wrists, I really appreciate your kind responses. :hug:

    Stranger1, no offense taken. I was trying to make the point of how stigmatizing mental illness is. Not only do "normal" people patronize or fear persons stricken with mental illness, even people with less severe degrees of mental illness who are considered "high functioning" can be amazingly disparaging of more disabled "low functioning" persons. Bigotry is a universal, miserable delusion.

    I grew up with my Mother constantly going psychotic from schizoid affective disorder. My friends mocked and snickered about her and my friend's parents blatantly patronized her so I am thin skinned, paranoid about being branded. As far as my opinion of other SF'ers, I feel the highest regard, just very low of myself.

    Middleofnowhere thank you. You are in a similarly besieged situation. It's our Godforsaken OCD that just magnifies the rest of our problems to, like you said, make life seem pointless. I've sadly lost all my religious faith so I can only wish relief for you. Thank you very much for your wise advice too, it is helping me.

    I'm just tired of consciousness equaling a tooth and nail battle and my afflictions only progressing. I'm a hypochondriac (thank you again OCD!) but I feel like giving in to the family curse of alcoholism to numb some of my waking hours. Bleh!
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