How do I survive tonight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aki, Dec 2, 2010.

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  1. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I don't know how
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    do what you need to, call the crisis line or if that's not enough go to the ER. they will look after you until you start to feel better. you don't have to suffer alone.
     
  3. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I just went to the ER. They said they'll get me an appointment with a psychiatrist but I don't know how I'll last until then. I don't feel comfortable calling the crisis line right now, I don't want anyone to hear my conversation. Plus when I was at the hospital I was so on edge and choked up I could hardly talk so I don't know if I can. I really should sleep, I didn't sleep last night but I just tried to and it didn't happen.
     
  4. clarise49

    clarise49 Member

    Do you think that maybe you should check yourself into psych ward? When I was at my lowest I checked into a psych ward and it helped. If you are thinking of hurting yourself you should check into a psych ward.
     
  5. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Hi, like I said I just went to the hospital emergency department, saw a psychiatrist. She mentioned me staying 'a' night in the hospital, but said she didn't think it would be helpful. So that isn't an option I don't think.
     
  6. clarise49

    clarise49 Member

    What kind of thoughts are you having right now and is there anything in particular that has prompted you to feel so low?
     
  7. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Suicidal thoughts, very low self esteem (which is unusual for me), hopelessness, frustration, sadness, visualising my death and it's aftermath, crying a lot, some anxiety. Guess it's realising the reality of life and my life that has contributed to this.
     
  8. clarise49

    clarise49 Member

    What things do you like or enjoy? What puts a smile on your face? There has to be something.
     
  9. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Many things do. But there's always the depression and worry at the back of my head that eventually overshadows these things.
     
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you have a couple of choices. you can hang out on here, keep posting as much as possible until you exhaust yourself and get to bed for a little sleep. you can go back to the ER and insist on being admitted. tell them you have a plan. by law they can't turn you away. if you have to, take a friend to advocate for you. you could go outside and call the crisis line from somewhere private, not fun if it's cold out but maybe you could find a quiet cafe or something. keep hanign in there. be as honest as you can with the psychiatrist when you have your appt. is it tomorrow?
     
  11. clarise49

    clarise49 Member

    I was like that for the longest time and I still go through days where that's all I can think about, but I decided that I wanted to get better because there too many things in life I wanted to do. I have tried to kill myself twice and I've been in a psych ward 3 times which added up to almost two months. I thought there was no point to my life, I hated myself, I hurt myself, and my life pretty much stopped. After I got out of the hospital and after receiving ECT treatments my life kept going but very slowly. I gradually found something little that I liked to do and incorporated it into my life and then found another and another.

    You have to build the path you want. It may be hard and it may feel like it isn't worth it but it is. Things can get better but you have to put in some effort to make it happen. You are important and your life does matter no matter what you think. 3 years ago I never would have thought I'd be where I am now. Life is never going to happen exactly how you want it to and there will be tons of set backs but those little things that bring a smile are so worth it.

    Do you have some type of goal big or small? Making lists of things I like and goals I have have helped me so much. I know how it feels to be so low that if feels like there's no point in living, but there is. Let me say it again, you are important and you do matter. I know you probably don't believe it, but I believe it.
     
  12. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I don't think I will go back. It was so difficult and in the end I just kind of ran out of there and walked home in the snow because I was trying not to cry while sitting in the middle of the ward. They don't think I need admitting so I don't want to push it. I thought that they could have given me some medication to tide me over, and the dr did mention it. But she said sleeping pills could be addictive and seemed to decide against anything else after that.

    I may call the crisis line tomorrow. I called them before though (The Samaritans) and I didn't like how open ended it was, I would have like more questions and help talking because I find it really hard to talk. Also they're trained not to give advice or direction, so they just kind of sympathise and that's it. I may give it a go tomorrow however. I just have major anxiety about phones and also talking about this kind of thing makes my throat seize up like in the hospital.

    She said the appointment would be next week maybe. I hope I can sleep well and not feel so bad while waiting.
     
  13. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot of sharing your story, I really like hearing positivity about this issue. The thing is I don't know what to do with my life, everything seems unappealing and bleak, and unreachable for me anyway. I figured out that I need some intensive treatment to get over this depression so I can ever get anywhere in life. I've already tried doing things but it's too hard right now in my mental state.
     
  14. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know the hospital can be really stressful but if it's life or death it really is the safest place for you. if you think you can manage by posting on here by all means keep talking. i will be out for a few hours tonight but will check back in later to see how you are doing. don't give up! some people who have a hard time talking about their problems write it out in a letter and give the letter to the doctor. maybe you can try that with the psychiatrist. you have a little time before your appointment to get all the important bits down on paper.
     
  15. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I may try that, when I went into the hospital and had to tell the receptionist what was wrong I couldn't do it and wrote it on a piece of paper. So it could be something to try. Thanks for caring.
     
  16. clarise49

    clarise49 Member

    I agree with Dazzle that if it is life and death then the safest place is the hospital. You can voluntarily admit yourself into a psych ward. When I was in the hospital they had several different types of group therapy, individual therapy, they'll try different meds, and there's usually some recreational activities each day.

    Believe me I have a hard time talking about things and I hate calling people but getting those feelings and emotions out make you feel so much better than keeping them bottled up and letting them build up and up. I am so glad that you decided to come on here and get some of those feelings out. I know how difficult it must be for you. Like Dazzle said "Don't give up!"
     
  17. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi sorry only just seen your thread - how you doing? I can understand some well alot of what your saying. I really struggle to talk about my feelings with people and recently when I ended in a and e i couldnt talk properly and wasnt safe with myself but still ended up going home because i didnt tell them everything. welldone for writing it down for the receptionist. If things get on top of you and get worse so you feel you can keep yourself safe tonight do you think you'd be able to write things down? You could then take this down to a and e with you for the dr to read. They will probably be able to gage more about how you are feeling from that then possibly when you answer some of their questions. sorry if i'm not helpful its just something i should have done and then things wouldnt be like they are now. if your local crisis team is anything like mine you do have a chance of getting some annoying couldnt care less person but the majority of the time they are in their job because they do care and I have found recently they can be really supportive and caring and can even call to your house to see you x hope you ok
     
  18. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Hi Pebble, thanks for understanding, I think the writing down thing could be something to try. The psychiatrist last night I wasn't sure about, she kind of made me feel bad at one point when I told her that I sleep during the day a lot. I don't know really. I just woke up and I feel bad.
     
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