hey im a 19 year old girl, i have fantasised about killing my self almost everyday since i was about 12. i grow up in a well off family that did nothing to harm me, went to a good school (sorta) and yet i feel like this, am i selfish or something? i need to no how i can sit down with someone and tell them what goes through my head with out hurting them. my sister has bipolar/ schizophrenia psychosis (they cant make up their mind) and my mum tried to kill herslef a few weeks back they talk about it openly (even though my mum only told me and my other sister what happend, to keep the family together), it takes a bit of pushing from my mum but in the end she talks, i envy how they can talk freely about it. im scared that if i tell them it will break my family, i hold alot of secrets that i need to tell but the consequence of that is that it will ruin my family beyond anything i can describe in words, and i dont want that to be my resposiblitly but on the other hand it is breaking me not to say anything. i tried to explain it to my boyfriend but he completly freaked out, that is not the reaction i need, but im affraid its only ever going to be the reaction i get. i would go to a psychologist, but i cant afford it without getting money of my parents, and the free services are all old men, and that is the last person i want to talk to. im at a lose with what to do and i cant keep up my happy go lucky personality for everyone elses sake any longer, its making me feel numb and inhuman, but the alternative is breaking my family, what the hell should i do?