How do other people do it?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by eyae, Mar 8, 2012.

  1. eyae

    eyae Member

    I'm at a loss. I see my peers navigating life. They are doing normal things: going to school, getting nice jobs, getting partners, getting married, having kids, etc. They seem to do it with so much ease. When I try to do the same, the task turns into such a complicated thing. I don't recall anything being easy and straightforward in my life. As if God decided that my mission in life would be to struggle for every little thing. I feel that my bare existence is a challenge. That is physically, spiritually, psychologically and everything-ally. I didn't ask for this!

    So I'm wondering, how do other people do it? How is it that they make life seem so straightforward and easy? I honestly want to know the secret because I'm just lost.

    The other day I came across an article (or a blog - I don't remember) about suicide and its effect on those who are left behind. The comments/reactions deeply shocked me. Many of the commenters stated that they had lost someone to suicide and all of them were angry. Angry at the loved one for doing such a thing. Angry because they viewed their suicide as a selfish act. I mean these people were angry, almost viciously angry. So I wondered: would my family feel the same if I committed suicide too? Just anger??!

    I am still livid at what I read that day.

    Dear loved ones,

    Am I supposed to stay alive to spare you angry feelings? Am I supposed to drag out my despair year after year for your benefit? Should my suffering be ignored to benefit you?

    I understand sadness. Disappointment. Despair. But anger?! No.

    So I'm enraged at this thought process because it's devoid of compassion. What I'm saying isn't about encouraging people to commit suicide. It's about the whole world really trivialises the pain people go through. Depression sucks. It's not like physical pain that everyone can see. When you're depressed, you're told to get over it, as if it's a small thing. You're further victimised. You're misunderstood. You're given ultimatums, told to change your attitude because you freak people out. People abandon you. Or you're forced to abandon them. Despite all the help you get, the reality is that you're really fighting this alone in your head. Few understand how even when you laugh and have a good time, theres always despair in the deepest corner of your soul. You carry this pain everyday. Every day.

    Some us stick around for one reason or another. Others feel there's only one solution for such pain. Why professing so much anger at someone who felt so bad they were driven to a desperate act?

    When I'm faced with people who display such anger and disdain at another's suffering, I feel that all it does is further victimise people who suffer.

    I don't have a perfect solution for all this. I don't ignore the despair in my family's eyes when they can tell something's wrong with me but literally don't know what to do, especially if in their eyes they tried everything. I don't ignore that. Personally I don't have the best reaction. Because I know I become toxic when I'm unwell I just disappear, I stop talking to my friends and family. I can stay in my corner for months without having a proper conversation with any loved one. I live at home but nobody sees me - I'd rather stay alone in my room and not ruin everybody else's mood. In doing this i feel I'm being considerate to others, but I know they might not see that way. What to do?

    Which brings me back to my starting point. How do other people do it?

    I wish life had a manual. A proper manual.

    I don't know how to live. I wish other people understood that about so many of us. If they can't have empathy at least they could conceive of this in a purely intellectual or conceptual fashion?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2012
  2. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I just want you to know that I completely agree. I think it's just as selfish of other people to expect a suicidal person not to kill themselves just so they won't feel bad as it is for the suicidal person to commit suicide. There's absolutely no difference in morality there. The people you saw who felt angry...well, all I can say is, I probably would have done the same if all I had around me were people who thought merely about themselves. I just erased ONE of those people from my life, by the way, and that was hard enough. It made me debate for quite a while who should be the one to go, though, me or them. I decided on them in the end because I didn't think it was worth it to end my life over a selfish person.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2012
  3. eyae

    eyae Member

    What initially provoked my anger is what people say online. Since writing this I took a step back and realised people just feel that they can say whatever online. Even so, their tone was so sincere and I took what they said to heart, but really I was also expressing what I didn't have the guts to tell my best friend who in December essentially implied that I wasn't thinking of anyone but myself I did commit suicide. She didn't mean it an angry way but tin the course of the conversation it felt like my feelings came second. I was the one who was supposed to make an effort. How? No answer. From that day a shift happened and I pretty much decided I wouldn't tell her everything. And as it is, it's very hard for me to talk to people who are close to me. I'll tell my secrets to complete stranger but not them. Too close to home. The response would hurt too much. You know?

    I think I've emotionally cut myself from family and friends. Right now I could go to a desert island and not care about leaving people behind...
  4. Sojourn

    Sojourn Member

    Lots of things to ponder, I've just left a post elsewhere on here wondering about similar things...I do think in spite of the trolling and baiting you get online, there is genuine sadness and emptiness to be found. That's how things go, I guess...but when you realize that shift, certain choices you make whether consciously or not (like the emotional cutting of ties, familial and social that you have been doing), you're in essence preparing yourself.

    I wish I had answers, too.
  5. eyae

    eyae Member

    The way I see it, by being absent I want to prepare them to not seeing me. For the past few years what I've tried to do was stay invisible.