I'm at a loss. I see my peers navigating life. They are doing normal things: going to school, getting nice jobs, getting partners, getting married, having kids, etc. They seem to do it with so much ease. When I try to do the same, the task turns into such a complicated thing. I don't recall anything being easy and straightforward in my life. As if God decided that my mission in life would be to struggle for every little thing. I feel that my bare existence is a challenge. That is physically, spiritually, psychologically and everything-ally. I didn't ask for this! So I'm wondering, how do other people do it? How is it that they make life seem so straightforward and easy? I honestly want to know the secret because I'm just lost. The other day I came across an article (or a blog - I don't remember) about suicide and its effect on those who are left behind. The comments/reactions deeply shocked me. Many of the commenters stated that they had lost someone to suicide and all of them were angry. Angry at the loved one for doing such a thing. Angry because they viewed their suicide as a selfish act. I mean these people were angry, almost viciously angry. So I wondered: would my family feel the same if I committed suicide too? Just anger??! I am still livid at what I read that day. Dear loved ones, Am I supposed to stay alive to spare you angry feelings? Am I supposed to drag out my despair year after year for your benefit? Should my suffering be ignored to benefit you? I understand sadness. Disappointment. Despair. But anger?! No. So I'm enraged at this thought process because it's devoid of compassion. What I'm saying isn't about encouraging people to commit suicide. It's about the whole world really trivialises the pain people go through. Depression sucks. It's not like physical pain that everyone can see. When you're depressed, you're told to get over it, as if it's a small thing. You're further victimised. You're misunderstood. You're given ultimatums, told to change your attitude because you freak people out. People abandon you. Or you're forced to abandon them. Despite all the help you get, the reality is that you're really fighting this alone in your head. Few understand how even when you laugh and have a good time, theres always despair in the deepest corner of your soul. You carry this pain everyday. Every day. Some us stick around for one reason or another. Others feel there's only one solution for such pain. Why professing so much anger at someone who felt so bad they were driven to a desperate act? When I'm faced with people who display such anger and disdain at another's suffering, I feel that all it does is further victimise people who suffer. I don't have a perfect solution for all this. I don't ignore the despair in my family's eyes when they can tell something's wrong with me but literally don't know what to do, especially if in their eyes they tried everything. I don't ignore that. Personally I don't have the best reaction. Because I know I become toxic when I'm unwell I just disappear, I stop talking to my friends and family. I can stay in my corner for months without having a proper conversation with any loved one. I live at home but nobody sees me - I'd rather stay alone in my room and not ruin everybody else's mood. In doing this i feel I'm being considerate to others, but I know they might not see that way. What to do? Which brings me back to my starting point. How do other people do it? I wish life had a manual. A proper manual. I don't know how to live. I wish other people understood that about so many of us. If they can't have empathy at least they could conceive of this in a purely intellectual or conceptual fashion?