How do you cope with an attempt?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by MR Fang, Sep 11, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. MR Fang

    MR Fang Member

    Sorry in advance for the length but I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

    So, I've been suffering from depression for probably about a year now and the last academic school year (up until May 2014) for me was really stressful. I got to lows that I never even thought were possible. I couldn't sleep and I lost all pleasure in my recreational activities. Daily life was an unbearable slog; I felt beneath everyone's notice and a useless burden on society which caused me to drift away from my friends and I couldn't focus on any of my work. All I wanted to do was lie down and sleep all day for weeks and even months at a time.

    About 5 months ago or so, I walked home and spontaneously decided to just end everything while my roommates were out for the afternoon. I double locked the door and made the attempt. Obviously, I won't divulge any details but the attempt clearly failed. However it caused no damage of any sort to me or my environment so, in a panic, I managed to cover everything up just before they came in and locked myself in my room telling them I was going to sleep early for the night.

    Since then, I have made a major unrelated shift in my pharmaceutical habits that has put me back on the ADD medication that I used to take about 3 years ago. The boost in energy and mental focus has gradually helped me crawl out of the hole that I found myself in on my own. Being able to enjoy my hobbies and my work again has been nice but I still have down periods where I find myself self loathing and crying after my medication wears off for the day.

    I'm glad my attempt failed ultimately and that I lived to see more days but I've been becoming increasingly more preoccupied with being driven to do it in the first place. I'm glad that I'm alive right now but I can't stop thinking about how things were back then. Everyday was cold, hazey and joyless and I hated every single second of it.

    I just feel like the happiness is only temporary. I'm glad that I didn't die for now but I feel like if if I ever get anywhere near that low again, I won't hesitate to just finish the job and its starting to feel like it could happen one day.

    To anybody that has made an attempt on their life, how did it affect you afterward and how did you move past it? I don't like dwelling on it very much but it just keeps coming up in the back of my head and I'm sick of saving face in front of everybody I know when its always on my mind.
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Mr. Fang this is a good sign. Maybe there must be a reason why it failed.
  3. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I never really thought about it afterwards. However, I will say this, as someone with depression and ADHD, the ADHD meds are only a temporary patch for depression. They elevate mood and help with motivation - temporarily. You really should consider talking to a doctor about an antidepressant. It can help you all day, and with no crash like ADHD meds. And you don't build up a tolerance like you can with the ADHD meds. It's tempting to take my adderall when I'm feeling down, but I realize that is no more than a patch. I have an antidepressant that helps me greatly. It also wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist about these things. Don't worry, as long as you aren't actively suicidal, they won't hospitalize you just because you attempted suicide a while ago. They can help you work through your feelings on this.
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    keep busy, active and create new pass times.
  5. MR Fang

    MR Fang Member

    I appreciate the responses guys.

    sudut = Thank you for the sentiment. I'm not a particularly spiritual person but I really do appreciate the concern, thank you.

    catecholamine = I've wanted help but I find myself in a tricky position in terms of seeking it. I'm currently in my graduating semester at college and seeking a job to transition myself into financial independence from out of my parent's place. I currently do a decent job budgeting myself to suit my needs in relation to the essentials and what I need in order to pursue independent projects but without significant income, I'm fairly strapped for cash and have only so much privacy. The only easy way to get help before I get a job is to have somebody else cover the charge and I'm really uncomfortable with letting anybody that I know, especially my parents, in on any of this. I've hinted at and lightly discussed my depression issues with a few of my friends but none of them know how bad it got or about my suicide attempt.

    I've scoured the internet and my location for therapists and have found more than a few reasonably affordable ones but I'm too broke to pony up the cash for any of it. Until I get a job, I'm kind of in this alone.

    scaryforest = I got onto a writing kick for my blog this week and I'm trying to fill my time up with it as much as possible to keep busy. Unfortunately, it gets harder to write once my meds wear off and that's usually when I start getting into an emotional dip. My thoughts tend to distract me unless I'm riding the high of a really good writing session.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.