How do you cope with life being laughably unfair?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anonymous1234, May 7, 2016.

  1. Anonymous1234

    Anonymous1234 Member

    Everyday at work I get confronted with people who live life on complete easy mode. They never had any sort of struggle in their lives and probably never will experience any struggle or adversity. It´s their birth right to experience the best things life has to offer. Meanwhile my life is the complete opposite. Nothing ever comes easy and I always lose despite putting in 1000 times more effort into things.

    Being a loser in life sucks and makes me extermely suicidal. Everyday I feel like a starving African kid who is being chained to a table full of the finest dishes the world has to offer, but I´m not allowed to touch anything. I´m being forced to watch everybody else gorge the food down. Everyday, over and over again.

    How do you cope with the extreme unfairness that is life?
    Thauoy and CGMAngel like this.
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Confronted? Or do you just assume?

    How are you a loser when you have ended up in the same place as these others who have lived on easy street?

    You are on an endless loop. Negative self identification--compare to others you deem winners-- increase
    depression--negative self identification---

    How can you choose to close that loop?
  3. Anonymous1234

    Anonymous1234 Member

    I work at a golf resort so I constantly come in contact with the rich and priviledged.

    I don´t hate myself. I just hate the hand I was dealt. I tried everything I could to change my fate, but it´s just not possible. Unfortunately it´s the things we have no control over that govern our quality of life (your race, parents, looks, intelligence, height, etc...)
    Thauoy and Inanimate like this.
  4. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    It also depends on your values. What matters to you? Do they provide you with a sense of worth that makes you appreciate what you do have and with that appreciation do you feel joyful? If not, why? What is it that prevents this?
    sihuskyzoi likes this.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Anonymous, the sad thing is that you are right - there are some very rich and privileged people out there. And some of them know it and some don't. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose our parents and all that heredity and family/heritage might offer. But we don't have to be limited by the external - our minds, hopes, goals, and way of being in the world can make our hand a better one.

    Could you tell us about what you've tried to change your fate? I don't dismiss the importance that outer impressions can have on others, but I also don't dismiss the importance of being a quality person. Few people are superior in their looks and intelligence. Many people of many races DO manage in the world amongst other races. What things in your fate are slowing down your success? (Not meant to be a harsh question - a real question - what would make things better and are there ways to get those things so that life is better?)

    I hope you feel better about life soon. Even challenging hands can win. :)
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  6. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    So many thoughts come to mind when I read your post-firstly, you could make a fantastic living being a psychic, since you know intuitively what other people have gone through in their lives without actually knowing them. I never presume to know the truth about anyone else's sufferings, only my own-and that includes my husband of 15 years. I don't care how intelligent you are-you can never know what is really going on in another persons mind. They might be better off than you are or it might be the complete opposite. You assume a lot about who people are and what they are thinking. I'm certain that at least half of the time you are totally wrong.

    You are also very wrong about your prospects for a better future. You are not a loser-you're a guy who happens to be working at a golf course right now. That doesn't make you a loser to me-I know a lot of people who have been looking for a job for many months with no success. As far as being a starving African kid sitting at a table full of food that you can't eat goes-that is a very well known metaphor. I heard Oprah Winfrey refer to it once. She is arguably the most successful and famous African American women who has ever lived. She worked hard to be who she is and where she is-no one ever gave her anything. She built an entirely new reality for herself and so can you-so can anyone who is willing to work that hard and make that many sacrifices.

    I happen to work in a grocery store right now-customers treat me like garbage most of the time. At least a dozen times a day they look straight through me like I'm not even there. I don't like it, but I think of it this way. I would never want to be friends with a person who would treat anyone in that manner-so its a terrific coincidence that they don't want to be friends with me either. Don't get me wrong-I understand where you're coming from. No one deserves to be treated like they're less than human. But only a person of poor character would treat a perfect stranger so badly-who cares if they don't treat you with respect? Quite frankly, I don't think that they deserve your respect-so I wouldn't give it to them.

    As far as fairness goes-I don't care how badly you think you've got it, there are millions of people all over the globe who have it much worse. They have no food, no shelter, no prospects for a job-hundreds of people die of starvation every single day, homeless and living on the street. Hundreds of innocent people are slaughtered every day because they're caught in the crossfire of civil wars. Suffering occurs every second of every day-it never gets better and it never stops.

    Whenever I find myself feeling like a victim and a loser who has been cursed with a life that is unfair I think about what so many people are suffering through all over the world. I always end up being grateful for the few things I do have in my life-like my job, my husband and my dog. I don't have much money-I'm not attractive, I'm not even very smart but I'm grateful to have a home to go to and food on the table every day. You ended your post with a question-how do you cope with the extreme unfairness that is life? My post is my answer to that question. I hope it helps in any way at all.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  7. Jakeyyy

    Jakeyyy New Member

    What makes you feel helpless? It's all just chemicals. I'd recommend considering the ridiculousness of solipsism as well. We're all in this together. I know... It sucks.
  8. Anonymous1234

    Anonymous1234 Member

    Getting a girlfriend that I´m somewhat sexually attracted to has proven to be unbelievably difficult. I also have no friends because I don´t like people. Growing up I had an abusive father and an alcoholic mother. Everything snowballed from there. I was constantly bullied in school because of my shyness. Imagine the horror movie Carrie, except I was bullied way worse than her. All I ever experienced was abuse, exclusion and hate from people. The worst thing was that I couldn´t develop any social skills since I was excluded from everything. This really hurt me careerwise and relationship wise later on in life. When I was 16 (I´m 27 now, male btw) I managed to get a scholarship to study for one year abroad living with a foreign family. That really put things in perspective for me and also scarred me for life. It made me realize how shit my real life was since I had two host family sisters who lived life on complete easy mode. They had a big family full of loving, intelligent and encouraging people and everyone just breezed through life having good things happening to them. It was so painful when I had to get back to my old life.

    I could go on and on, but I´ll give you some things I tried to do to change my fate:
    - To work on my social skills I took improv classes, pushed myself into thousands of conversations with strangers (on the bus, taking up hobbies, meeting people, etc...). I eventually came to the conclusion that social skills are nice to have, but not a requirement to be popular. Although popular people generally have good social skills (because they always had people wanting to talk to them growing up) It´s not really important what you say or how you say it. What is important is who says it. A convicted pedophile could tell the best joke in the world and nobody would laugh. Ben Affleck could tell the worst joke in the world and everybody in the room would laugh. If your human worth is high enough (human worth according to society = looks, race, money, status, age) you could basically be mute and you´d still be popular. As a matter of fact most of the people who bullied me growing up are now successful and have attractive partners. Just lol at this life.

    - I approached over 1000 girls in person and over 2000 online. Still no girlfriend. I don´t have insane standards either. My only standards are that she is thin with an atleast average looking face. Let that sink in for a minute. Imagine having over 1000 people from the opposite sex telling you in person that you are not good enough for them and reject you. Most "normal" people who suicide do so because one person who they really like rejects them. Imagine feeling that pain for literally over 1000 times.

    - realizing in my early 20s that looks are everything in life I took steroids and gotten in shape and eating like a monk everyday. I eventually got the body of a male fitness model. Unfortunately women still ignored me since body is rather unimportant unless you are obese. Your looks are determined mostly by your face since your face is the best predictor of your genes. Seeing skinny fat guys in the streets who lucked out on a cute gf completely made me lose my motivation to work out.

    - I got plastic surgery on my face worth $20,000, but it wasn´t enough to become attractive. 20grand down the toilet.

    - I went on a romance tour to the Ukraine, but the whole mail order bride thing is just one big scam. Lost a lot of money in the process.

    - I went on vacation in Pattaya, Thailand. I actually felt happier there since women acted friendly towards me and sex and intimacy came easy. Unfortunately I can´t permanently stay there since I´d have no income.

    - I worked like a donkey to become rich and famous by starting my own business. One year I literally worked from 3am to 11pm almost every single day. I figured being rich and famous is the only guaranteed way to improve my life permanently. Unfortunately I never made it.

    All in all I feel that I got dealt a shitty hand in life. I gave it my absolute best shot, but the results were still very unsatisfactory. Now there is nothing left for me to do except suffer. That´s why suicide seems like a nice way to bow out.
    CGMAngel likes this.
  9. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi there @Anonymous1234

    I am sorry life has dealt you a bad hand from the start and you've been through things, and that you are so unhappy.

    You have done a lot of things to improve your situation, and look at you. You have a job, you're making money... And it actually sounds pretty fancy; I gather it's not fame and fortune and all. But why not appreciate what you have, rather than focus on what you don't have? (sorry if I come off a bit rough here) Imagine, you could be homeless, begging for pennies or have to do shameful things to uphold a living... You've come far compared to where you started. I am proud of you.

    Finding a partner is not easy, especially not if you have a certain look in mind. What if the nicest girl for you have a few extra pounds on her, and a pimple on her nose? I find when you look for personality rather than looks it goes a lot easier.
    When I found my boyfriend online we talked for weeks without seeing each other's faces... and we fell in love. That's nearly 2 years ago.

    Have you had any therapy or counseling to help you deal with your life and your outlook on it? One thing is bettering your outside situation, but what about the inside?
    Suicide is not the answer, therapy can really help you move forward. (also, it's much easier to find a partner if you had a more positive attitude, just speaking as a woman here...)
  10. Anonymous1234

    Anonymous1234 Member

    thanks for the kind words.

    I guess my dilemma is that I feel like I have already maxed out my potential and I´m still not happy because I have almost nothing to show for my efforts. I have tried therapy, but it didn´t really help. I feel like I´m in a lose lose situation. If I do nothing I´ll be miserable and If I do approach girls I´ll get rejected and feel even more miserable. I just can´t take anymore rejection. I have tried dating and sleeping with a girl I felt no attraction for whatsoever, but it didn´t help. As I said I´m not going after supermodels either. I`m a rational and realistic person.

    In real life I also never act depressed or down. I bury my real emotions everyday and people would describe me as a positive person. Only people on the internet know how I really feel.
  11. ToughItOut

    ToughItOut Member

    I view images of small children who've been hideously scarred by fires and who, for the next 70 years of their lives, are going to have to deal with the social rejection that will come their way from society that will judge them for how they look.

    And then I realise that my life isn't quite as bad as I thought.
  12. Anonymous1234

    Anonymous1234 Member

    I follow Justin Bieber on Instagram and then I realize my life is even worse than I thought. For the next 60 years his entire life will be one big dopamine rush of constant partying, sleeping with thousands of young, attractive groupies on yachts and partying with celebrities in St. Tropez while never really working a day in his life. All while he has done exactly nothing to earn any of it. All he did was being born with a good face and being at the right place at the right time to be discovered.

    See, it works both ways.

    You say just because there are people out there who presumably have it worse then me should mean that I shouldn´t be sad. According to this logic I shouldn´t be happy either since there are also a lot of people out there who have it way better than me.
  13. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you had a dysfunctional family childhood. That is difficult. It is not impossible to move on if we learn how to put the past behind us and cope in different ways now than we did as we grew up. There would of course be a learning curve, some mistakes and some efforts that don't work at all. That is normal and happens to everyone - even those with relatively easy lives. Mistakes, disappointments are part of being human.

    A romantic/sexual partner can be a nice relationship to be in, there is no doubt about that. It is not the only route to happiness in life. Many people are not in a partner relationship. And I have to say that if we "don't like people," it's very difficult to establish and maintain a relationship of any sort - friends, family, romantic, sexual, or even business and "casual" acquaintances. A healthy relationship involves acceptance, tolerance, appreciation, give and take from BOTH parties, not just finding/getting what we want from the other person. A relationship also involves what we bring already and what our potential for growth with the other person is. Can we help make each other better individuals and make the friendship/relationship something really special? In a romantic/sexual relationship, can we offer the support, love, and respect that will nurture and make our partner be the best that he/she can be? Can our partner offer that to us?

    Being bullied is a very hurtful experience. The only suggestion I can offer there is please, do not let other people define you and oppress you by their definitions of you. I've tried this for real: just smiling at people and saying something about the weather or local news or sports, and having small conversations. They almost always smile back and chat if I started by smiling at them. And I've also done this: walking around with a grumpy face and angry, and people avoided me. They didn't want to talk to me. People can pick up our "vibes" quite easily, so finding even a small reason to smile and be nice is actually a sappy sounding but worthwhile technique. :)

    I can't argue that there are people who would laugh at a bad joke from a star because a star told it. Some people can be "bought" by another's money, fame, status...A small reality check though: The majority of the world never has real interactions with celebs. So measuring ourselves against a celebrity is like comparing diamonds and pebbles. People like the sparkle of diamonds, but pebbles make up the cement they walk on. Maybe the important thing is to consider if our friends care and find our jokes and stories interesting/funny because we tell them and they care about us. I think I would be concerned about the people around me in life, not about celebs who are not a "real" part of my life at all. I would want to make sure I feel worthy of respect and care from MY local, personal friends. And for me, that is not about status, wealth, image - it's about am I a "good" person? But that of course, is me, not you. What makes you a good or bad person in your own eyes?

    Improv classes! GOOD FOR YOU! That's a brave step and impressive! I think social skills do have a place in life. Sure, some people can get by without them, but the skills grease the wheels of social interaction. Being able to talk happily to anyone of any status, rank, background, arena, level, social standing, economic standing, etc., etc., is a good thing to be able to do. If we are neither better nor worse than others in our own self-opinion, then most others will accept us. In the way that most of the world accepts others. Most people are not very interested in others because humans, by nature and circumstance, are too busy "getting by for themselves."

    Good for you for addressing all the exterior things that you wanted to - through fitness, steroids, surgery. If those didn't help as much as you expected or hoped, maybe now it's time to work on the "interior" you. You have all the makings of a bright, intelligent, young man. That is apparent from your writing and your ability to try various things to improve life. That you haven't yet fully succeeded is perhaps a sign that there is a little more refining needed. And that doesn't mean you have done the wrong things - just that there's more to try. The whole of life is a process. You are 27, and while that is an adult, from my 58 years, 27 is still young. I think you're feeling frustrated - naturally. I also think it's way too soon to say "nothing will work, I'm done, I give up." You don't sound like a quitter...Am I wrong? I hope not. There are lots of opportunities out there for you. :)
  14. ToughItOut

    ToughItOut Member

    Ok, we're starting to get to the root of your problems.

    Please divulge more, there are lots of sympathetic ears here.
  15. silis

    silis Active Member

    it sucks when bad people are the ones getting rewarded, and those that are good and work hard get nothing but pain in their lives.
    maybe there does exist such a thing as a god, and maybe he is a sadistic pos
    Hopeless1 likes this.
  16. silis

    silis Active Member

    my brothers tried to kill me many times and they are rotten to the core, yet they have high paying jobs, expensive cars and lots of friends
    yet im stuck with nothing but painful thoughts and i cant even successfully end myself
    the universe sucks, and so does everyone in it
  17. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sorry anon that you feel this way.

    Sometimes you truly judged a book by its cover...everything on the outside looks so cool and perfect. Guess what? Once you start reading their life chapters its less attractive/pretty.

    The world is a cruel place full of evil people/fates even the rich isn't immune to it. It affects all people from all walks of life equally. It doesn't discriminate.

    Just stop assuming others got it better than you. In reality your life already looks a lot better than mine alone. You already traveled to other countries. I don't have that luxury.....I worked like a slave and still got no where. My childhood has been hellish at times due to violence, alocholism, mental abuse, drugs and my disablity being told over and over I am not worth it. Even as an adult I struggle to get equal access to medical care...even being treated like a sub human being even cant get a better job than the current one. Your life is already more appealing just because you don't have the disability I have. I cant just disappear and start again anywhere like you can.

    Just saying your sense of entitlement of the world handing you a silver spoon is messed up because you "worked hard" . Life is never fair and the successes always are always seen but not how many mistakes/failures/tears/sweat have been made before the success. People didn't give up they keep trying. So for you don't give up. Your an adult you can move elsewhere and try again. Try school/college for more opportunities. Networking etc. Good luck to you!
    Freya and NYJmpMaster like this.
  18. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Happiness has to come from within. not outside circumstances. You are not at your best, till life throws it's worst at you. Yeah your life can suck around you, but inside if you stay happy, none of that is going to matter, because you are better than that, or you can be better than that. cause you have it within you.
  19. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Getting a girlfriend that I´m somewhat sexually attracted to has proven to be unbelievably difficult. I also have no friends because I don´t like people.

    Your issue with getting involved in a relationship is pretty clear. You seem of the opinion that a relationship and girlfriend simply means getting sex based on your defining sexaually attracted to and stating you dont have friends because you do not like people. In a real relationship the partner is first and foremost a best if not the best friend. Sex is a few hours a week at most - so there is no basis for a relationship if there is no basis for friendship. You cannot meet and get to know somebody on a real level if all you are looking for is a relationship and spurning friendship from the start because no sane person is looking for a relationship with somebody that does not like them or does not want to be their friend. Sharing intimacy with somebody that does not like you even or that disdains friendship? Not going to happen if you ask 5000 women. May find sex on occasion on that level- but that person that is looking for just casual sex is not interested in a relationship so the second the relationship word or vibe comes out then the casual sex is off the table too. You need to define for yourself what friendship and relationship are and what you are willing to put into either and then ask yourself if you would give a second glance at that person - that does not want to be your friend and doesn't like people but wants to be in an attached defined relationship for the apparent sole purpose of occasional intimacy....

    From just my personal perspective and opinion, friendships are worth far more than relationships and I have never had a relationship that did not start as being somebody I liked and wanted to spend time with (in other words- a friend).

    Also - in reference to the "It´s not really important what you say or how you say it. What is important is who says it. A convicted pedophile could tell the best joke in the world and nobody would laugh. Ben Affleck could tell the worst joke in the world and everybody in the room would laugh. If your human worth is high enough (human worth according to society = looks, race, money, status, age) you could basically be mute and you´d still be popular." When you meet people for the first time they have no clue who you are. The idea that they won't listen to you because not enough stature would be fine- except there aren't very many people of celebrity stature in the world and yet people still meet and get into relationships everyday. You establish your social worth when you meet people - by your attitude , word choice, mannerisms, and actions. Nobody is a good enough actor to pull off being a fun nice person that people want to be around if they are inside thinking how shitty all the people they are talking to are because they do not like people. Bottom line - you cannot universally hate peopel that you do not know anything about and make these assumptions about their character without it being you that is being judgemental shallow and and the bully in reality. You are evaluating people and deciding you are good enough for them and that they should like you based on your own opinion of yourself and what you believe you offer and ignoring what they are looking for - then proclaiming them to be the shallow ones interested in only the "who" after you have judged and classified what their values and interests should be according to you. You are the one that establishes the "who " in the the it is "who says it" when you meet new people that know nothing about you.
    Last edited: May 24, 2016
    Brian777 likes this.