How do you cope with loneliness when you can't connect with anyone?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Obsessive, Nov 21, 2011.

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  1. Obsessive

    Obsessive Well-Known Member

    Even in the most basic conversations all humans have this instinctual knowledge, this general grasp of trivia, this high level of awareness of even the most minor of minutia that they all take for granted. This is how people bond, make friends, form relationships, etc. with people with wide ranges of differences. Yet not only do I not have this ability, but I have no common ground with anyone being as I can't get pleasure from anything. I also have Asperger's Sydrome, trouble learning, trouble processing auditory information (doubly so if there's any background noise or other people around talking), and have to work very hard to cover up my depression and loneliness with a bright smile and a jovial manner.

    Even online connections don't seem to work, as I'm just too different and can't keep up with everything everyone else knows. Hell, I've had several people online feeling uncomfortable speaking to me because they felt I was way too smart for them, an attitude which I can only assume comes from my obsessive writing style considering what intelligence these people suppose I have doesn't manifest in reality. I can't think of anyone who would consider an adult who has to rely on his parents to do simple things, bombs any college course that isn't introductory level, and has to approach socialization like it's rocket surgery "intelligent".

    Tried Asperger's groups, social groups, and meetups with no luck. Volunteer and work, but have nothing in common with the people there and most of them are a lot older. I've never even been able to bond with my own parents.

    Is there any hope for me ever feeling a connection with a human? If not, is there a way to squelch the desire?
  2. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I gave up connecting with anyone after I acknowledged that human beings were trash.

    I never was any good at it, anyway.
  3. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    Wow, and I thought I have a hard time!
    Please know that whenever you want to talk to someone you can send me a PM.
    The first thought after reading your post was "in order to connect with someone you at least have to like them" , do you like people around you, as persons?
    Also, what happens if you're just natural, not thinking about what you're doing, in a social situation?
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I collect cats. They're like my little herd of children. Lol I sound crazy :S.

    I haven't really been able to connect with other people because I just don't have much to talk about. Don't have any real friends in life. Just like one I know over the internet. I probly come across as a boring person as I'm not like most others. Oh well :|
  5. forwardnotback

    forwardnotback New Member

    Same here. Bipolar rather than Asperger's. I'm here posting and still trying I guess.
  6. Obsessive

    Obsessive Well-Known Member

    Sais, I do like the people around me as human beings. I am amazed at humans and their capacity for learning, cooperation, creativity, and wonder. I just wish I could be a part of it all. I simply lack the defining elements of humanity, the things that all humans take for granted. An aspiration to reach the point where I could accurately refer to myself as a human being has not only left me feeling empty, but hopeless as it's a futile endeavor. One creature does not just become another through wishful thinking.

    I don't even see the personality I present to others as a facade that needs to be actively maintained, just something that comes naturally to me. I don't believe in a "true self" as I feel that personalities are little more than strategies tailored not only for interaction with different types of people, but even with one self. We don't even have a clear relationship with what we call the "self" due to many psychological defense mechanisms to inculcate contradictory beliefs, believe things we'd have no way of knowing for sure, shift blame and responsibility to as to avoid turning your anger inwards, etc. Of course this belief of mine could just stem from me not really having a personality of my own - it's difficult to say where "me" ends, and my desire to conform in order to connect with people begins. All I know is that I bury the pain underneath when speaking to others not out of deception, but out of politeness, appreciation of the context of a situation, and knowing that trying to understand my pain is impossible for those who cannot properly empathize with mental deficiencies. It serves no functional purpose expressing my pain to everyone anyway since best case scenario I'll be pitied, which does nothing to help my situation and only makes it harder to connect in the first place as I'm just alienating people further.

    nolonger, I live with 4 cats and a dog. My mother is depressed and lonely as well, which caused her to turn the house into a zoo as she found the novelty feeling of a new addition to the family addictive. Unfortunately once that novelty feeling wears off for her it's just more another lifetime obligation for us, more work to be done. The pets receive a lot of attention and care, but more out of sense of duty than actual love as she's too stressed out all the time to enjoy anything and I just plain lack the human ability to enjoy anything; seems to me that pet care is more of a hobby than an actual connection anyway for most people. I couldn't picture it ever being a proper substitute for me.

    Only friend I have is online, too, but now that he's married and pursuing his dream career he doesn't have much free time anymore.
  7. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I don't think there's an answer for this… but if it makes you feel any better, I know how you feel.

    This is going to sound self-centred for a bit, but bear with me:

    When I was in high school, I had a really hard time following conversations and ordinary interactions as well… one on one was usually at least somewhat tolerable, but bigger groups were impossible… I was usually that guy sitting there looking awkward and not really following what people were saying.

    Anyways, one day we had this in-class assignment where we had to come up with a short drama and present it in front of the class… so I wrote out this play, and when it came time to present I just completely lost myself in the character. I was suddenly super-confident--even cocky… everyone suddenly saw that I had a sense of humor, and I was just absolutely fearless for those 5 brief minutes. After I was finished, everyone just burst into applause and couldn't believe what they had just seen… I think because it was just so uncharacteristic of me to be at ease in any situation, let alone in front of the class… so they were talking about it for a whole week, and people actually came up to me and wanted to be friends and such. It was sort of one of the best moments of my life.

    So I guess my point is that sometimes the best way to connect with people is through performance… you seem pretty articulate and intelligent, and people are more forgiving of your social awkwardness/weirdness/detachment if you're an 'artist' who can totally lose himself in a character. Have you looked into drama clubs? It might sound terrifying and it probably will be absolutely horrifying at first, but really, all you have to do is understand the character and then turn 'yourself' off and just go with it. Because if you're acting it doesn't matter who 'you' are… you don't have to mean what you say, and you can figure out what you and the other people are all about in advance.

    I'm currently teaching, and it's sort of the same thing-- it's not really 'me' up there, it's a character I've created. And while I'm that character, I feel completely free and confident… well, for the most part anyways. I feel in control and like I know what to do… and I'm also better at listening to people and figuring out what they need, what they're thinking, what they're probably going through…

    If acting isn't your thing, you could always try something else… writing is too solitary and too many people do it for it to ever be appealing to me, but there's also some acting involved in that as well. Actually, pretty much any form of creative expression usually involves getting 'out' of yourself… and if you choose to think and act a certain way within a creative medium, then you might be able to express things more clearly and organize your thoughts better. There are also more opportunities for other people to become an audience and connect with what you're trying to say.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 23, 2011
  8. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    I also have a really tough time connecting with people. I just don't seem to gel with anybody. Sometimes I can get a good little conversation out of older people because they're wiser, they're more experienced and they generally seem to "get" where I'm coming from. But with people my own age, things just fall flat. I don't feel as though I have a whole lot in common with people in my own age bracket and I can't find anything to talk about. I love people. I really do. Just...sometimes it can feel like they're a completely different species from me.

    As for online...same story really. I don't tend to gel with many people online either and I don't form a whole lot of lasting connections.

    Unfortunately, I don't have any advice I could offer but I can relate 100% to how you feel.
  9. Sephaus

    Sephaus Well-Known Member

    I cope with my issues such as that by drinking and smoking cigarettes, I couldn't care less about the health issues at this point honestly.
  10. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    its the reverse for me. i have no problems with socialization itself but i view most human contact as trivial, or rather, it feels that way. i have high requirements for socialization and aversion to being alone, but the social contact and environment available feels completely worthless and I gain nothing from it. so I guess you could say that it seems like others cant relate to ME, rather than the other way an ordinary person being stuck in an endless sea of three year olds
  11. Crashland

    Crashland Well-Known Member

    Funny what you say about the "true self". I never felt I had one, which has always made me pretty much freaked out. How come that everybody knows who they are but for me every waking moment is a stand-alone one; I don't feel any continuity of myself and feel no connection to who I was a minute ago. As if waking up from some strange coma moment by moment. Needless to say, I struggle to relate to people. I don't actually think I was born with it all, could just be an early trauma of some sort.

    I have always felt left out and both inferior and superior to others, definitely "strange" so from a very early age, I worked on mastering the art of being social. I really am good at it, I know what people expect. The sad thing is that it has never been real. I don't think I'm able to experience a genuine connection. I do get devastated when hurt but often I'm mainly furious for deceiving myself and trying to define my personality by that particular relationship.

    I ended up not wanting to be with people any more. Yet I do crave to belong, love and all the lot. It is a bit twisted and sadly means that there is no hope for me.

    I cope as best as I can. I have one friend whom I love and hate. I'm luckier with my dog - the only genuine and effortless connection in my life.
  12. hardlife

    hardlife Well-Known Member

    I feel very much the same as you do. I'm kind of suffering from something called "a minority syndrome" which means that I'm an outcast because of my situation as a pedophile. You can PM me if you want, as I have felt the same as you do for many years. Perhaps having experienced some of the same could give people something to talk about and connect.
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