Hi, i've not posted in awhile and I feel kind of bad about that.
The last time I posted I think was when I was upgraded (or downgraded) from having Severe Unipolar Depression to Type II Bipolar Disorder. This January was my 3 year anniversary since I was officially diagnosed with a mental illness and im sure ive gone through the stages that many of you out there have. The despair, the desperation, solitude, self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse as well as suicide attempts. Therapy and Medication havnt proved particularly succesfull, though as someone well versed in psychology I knew that therapy would not work for me. For the last year and a half, in a way my depressive episodes have subsided. Whats replaced them is this grey hue, I dont feel anything anymore, I cant seem to physically cry anymore, feel grief or remorse. I'm surviving, treading water, and I just want it all to end. My GP says that theirs no medications left to try and brushes off my suicide ideation, though I have not confided in her about my overdoses. The problem is I cant see a future with me in it, I cant see futher than the next year. I cant see myself growing up and living life, even though ive been offered a place at 3 of the top uni's for Biochemistry in the country (UK) to do my degree next year, I cant see myself going to university. It seems that not only do I not want to live, but I can't live. I just need to share my feelings, in a hope that I could survive long enough to pick myself up again as I seem to have done time after time. This time it feels different though, like every time I think i've hit rock bottom theres another layer of hell just below and it gets harder to get back up. I know people that I suppose I would class almost as friends, although I do not socialise their are some fellow students and also fellow work employees who would support me. The problem is I cant seem to bring it up or ask for help, I dont want to be a burden. Maybe for someone who avidly supports Time to Change - The UK campaign that works on society talking about mental health, I dont practice what I claim to preach.
Sorry for the wall of text and thanks for creating a safe place to write down something that's constantly buzzing around in my head
The last time I posted I think was when I was upgraded (or downgraded) from having Severe Unipolar Depression to Type II Bipolar Disorder. This January was my 3 year anniversary since I was officially diagnosed with a mental illness and im sure ive gone through the stages that many of you out there have. The despair, the desperation, solitude, self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse as well as suicide attempts. Therapy and Medication havnt proved particularly succesfull, though as someone well versed in psychology I knew that therapy would not work for me. For the last year and a half, in a way my depressive episodes have subsided. Whats replaced them is this grey hue, I dont feel anything anymore, I cant seem to physically cry anymore, feel grief or remorse. I'm surviving, treading water, and I just want it all to end. My GP says that theirs no medications left to try and brushes off my suicide ideation, though I have not confided in her about my overdoses. The problem is I cant see a future with me in it, I cant see futher than the next year. I cant see myself growing up and living life, even though ive been offered a place at 3 of the top uni's for Biochemistry in the country (UK) to do my degree next year, I cant see myself going to university. It seems that not only do I not want to live, but I can't live. I just need to share my feelings, in a hope that I could survive long enough to pick myself up again as I seem to have done time after time. This time it feels different though, like every time I think i've hit rock bottom theres another layer of hell just below and it gets harder to get back up. I know people that I suppose I would class almost as friends, although I do not socialise their are some fellow students and also fellow work employees who would support me. The problem is I cant seem to bring it up or ask for help, I dont want to be a burden. Maybe for someone who avidly supports Time to Change - The UK campaign that works on society talking about mental health, I dont practice what I claim to preach.
Sorry for the wall of text and thanks for creating a safe place to write down something that's constantly buzzing around in my head