How do you express sorrow and pain? I am afraid to right now because I'm afraid of feeling sorry for myself. I stopped taking my anti-psychotics for one week, and also ran out of the stimulants. Actually I think someone may have stolen the stimulants. I could cry, I could feel, I could hear, I could breathe. Now I'm afraid of myself again. Afraid to care. Afraid to feel. Afraid to hear. Afraid to know. Can God still see me and hear me even if I take pills? Or is God disgusted by me taking these medicines? I feel that way. I just want to hear them again. I want to feel connected, but I'm so broken by all the confusion. My friends hate me think I'm a psycho and stopped talking to me. I tried to help things and only a couple came around to help me in return. I appreciate their compassion because I want to help them too. I'm bottling things up but I think if I cry, it will hurt and I will possibly look like a weakling, because I can't show anyone how much I hurt. I just want someone to know or see how it all has affected me. No one seems to want to...but, I really wish I could be stronger. I don't want these feelings of suicide because I love my brother and promised I would never attempt again for his sake. But I attempted a month ago due to the same drama from people. Honestly, I don't remember what upset me so much that caused me to do it but it may have had to do with that and dropping out of school and stuff. I have felt pretty alone these past weeks. I had a really intense text battle with someone...and then I have stopped seeing my therapist and my dad is going to Miami and stuff for business. I can drive but I don't have a car so I can't go to the appointments until after thanksgiving or sometime before he goes to Bangkok. So my time to talk to any professionals is getting slim, and I'm afraid to open up to my dad and my mom is too caught up in herself or stuff to be able to listen. I pray for her everyday but she struggles with schizophrenia. I'm no longer considered "schizophrenic" they tell me schizo-affective bipolar type is different or less severe. I haven't talk to my therapist in months because she intimidates me and is big into substance abuse issues and writes it all down and hospitalizes people for things like pot and already thinks I'm an alcoholic for occasionally drinking. Stopped drugs and alcohol anyways...but that was one but not the main problem. The main problem is just having someone to talk to who listens and can be a friend.... And I still can't cry. It's turning into anger and pain, or I might throw up or something.