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How do you deal with having no friends?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by cvb2377, Nov 6, 2017.

  1. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I got back from a 3 day comic con yesterday and it dawned on my how most of my fellow nerds there had friends and significant others. Basically all I have is my cousin and mother and those don’t count as friends in my opinion. It just sucks coming home and realizing how very alone I really am. Especially since I can’t drive or work (because of my mental health) so I’m basically I’m in my room most of the time. Anxiety makes it hard to leave the house unless I’m with someone I really trust so it makes me fearful to explore alone or take public transportation alone. Pretty much blocks out any chance to meet people. I really want to go to this comic con that’s a couple cities away but being afraid and clueless on how to be on my own, travel alone or how to book hotel reservations I can’t go unless someone else wants to. I guess I get afraid and I rely on others too much. Sometimes in my life I have met people who are nice and all but we don’t share enough in common to validate conversation unless necessary or I’m probably super shy and I drive them away. I want a friend who wants to hang out with me just as much as I want to hang out with them. That we obtain happiness from each other and always keep in touch and seek each other’s companionship. Being nerdy makes it hard because that can drive people away or In my case you can’t find people who are into that kinda stuff as much as I am
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2017
  2. Reaver

    Reaver Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how all of that feels because I've been through it all myself. I can't even go to the doctor's even though I really need to because I don't have the courage to call them myself and I also don't have the courage to go there alone. Anxiety has been holding me back for so many years of my life and being nerdy, as you say, is definitely not helping the situation. It kinda sucks too, because I would enjoy doing "non-nerdy" things as well but I don't have any friends to actually do any of it with anyway.
    I suppose what makes it even worse is that even when I do try to make friends it never seems to last very long and, well.. all of them being online isn't the best either.
    I haven't had friends outside of a computer since school and even then most of them weren't true friends.

    While I don't have high hopes for myself, I believe that you could make great friends if you can manage to keep pushing yourself towards going to these big events.
    I mean, Comic-Con and events like it are basically full of people with "nerdy" interests, right? There's bound to be many people there who share the same interests.
  3. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Alumni

    I think cousins are our first friends, so I would not discount him/her entirely.

    Maybe you can try to attend this convention on your own. I know it seems daunting but it may be worth trying it; you may be able to manage it more than you imagine now. Perhaps your cousin can help you book the hotel, you can do your research on what's around the hotel you are staying at, how the transport system works or if there's uber that you can afford, places you may want to visit and how to get there.

    Are there any forums for people going to these cons where you can maybe see who else is going and try to schedule a brief meetup when you get there?

    The answer for me to your thread title was basically learning to be my own friend. Going out alone, traveling alone, eating alone. It all sounds weird, scary and whatever else but I think it really helped getting used to myself more. So when I did meet people I was better able to have a conversation without thinking of what they are thinking of me.

    How did the convention you just came back from go? Who were you with? Did you have brief conversation with anyone? Did you enjoy it anyway?
    Reaver and cvb2377 like this.
  4. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I have been trying to see how to go places on my own. My main problem other then being alone, is transportation. Uber or lyft is fine but I want to find a hotel that has either a shuttle bus that takes you straight to the con and back or is in very close walking distance like the one I just went to where the hotel was next door. Taking buses always confuses me and I always have way to tough a time figuring them out even in my own home town. I did talk to some people when I participated in some games that envolved trivia and games. I even asked some questions to famous people but may cousin was with me the whole time. I need her to calm me down and she encourages to approach a famous person or person in general, when she notices how I get shy when wanting to ask for a picture or directions. No panic attacks happened this year either so I was happy!
    AlexiMarie7 likes this.
  5. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I have online friends as well and personally it hurts me more because we are all close and we talk and tell each other everything. We talk on Skype and I’ve know them since I was 15, I’m 23 now . The problem is we live way to fat away and they don’t have much money and are far more afraid to travel or have never traveled at all. I also agree with you because I would totally do non nerdy things with friends but I need to find someone who actually cares enough about me to crave my companionship lol. I always meet people who would rather hang with someone else. I know comic con sounds like a easy place to make friends but most people are already in groups and it’s hard to try to push myself into it, everyone are trying to get somewhere and are in a hurry or we are in panels where we are listening to speakers quietly or we might interacte during games and trivia but at the end the conversation is casual and stops soon after. I’m just saying it’s hard to grab someone’s attention quickly and get them to like you enough to casually ask if you can tag along, Best case scenario they ask you first.
  6. Reaver

    Reaver Well-Known Member

    Oh, I've never been to anything like it before (partly because I never leave the house anyway) so I didn't really know how things go. I kinda wish I could go to one, if only just to have the chance to meet someone with similar interests. Even online I have trouble finding people who are into the same things as me and even then they usually don't like the things anywhere near as much as I do.
    cvb2377 likes this.
  7. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Alumni

    This sounds like progress! So congrats. I think it's really worth trying to attend on your own; it may be another milestone for you to mark off.

    Perhaps your cousin may be available via phone/IM if you need a little extra boost once there. Well done on even approaching famous people.

    I think advance research and making notes, as detailed as you need, would really go a long way. I hope you find a hotel that is most convenient for you. Good luck.
    Reaver and cvb2377 like this.
  8. JMG

    JMG Well-Known Member

    Hey @cvb2377 I read your main post as well as the 6 posts by others & yourself after it and I just wanted to let you know that I too can relate to the not having any r/l friends (basically none online overall either, have recently started talking to someone via PM, not sure yet whether it is cos they really care much about talking to me or are just doing it cos they feel bad for me, hoping for the best but at this point it is much safer for me to not have expectations with any of it, have just been way too disappointed in the past too many times at this point). In terms of your question of "how do you deal with having no friends?" the only answer I can really think of is "not very easily at all" because that is the case for me.

    Each day it is in my mind & it does bother me but I try to push it away, justify why I "don't need any anyway", or use various forms of escapism (eating, despite diet being extremely limited these days for certain reasons, playing games online, watching a movie or tv show, reading, etc...). I don't consider any of these things what I would call a truly "effective" way of dealing (more like "not" dealing with) with the problem of having no friends, but they at least help dull the pain of it, or distract me from it a bit.

    I'm also on an anti-depressant that I have been on for over a decade & that I feel has, in MANY ways, saved my life. Having a couple family members and my sweet lil kitty also at least helps me have some form of comfort and connection in this world, but I consider family a different kind of connection from friends since each person in a friendship has a lot more control over whether to "keep" that person in their life. It's more rewarding in that way because if you are able to keep at least 1 or more friends in your life then, to me, that is a form of success. There is another person in this world, somewhere, who likes you enough to want to have you in their life, and who feels their life is better because you are in it. It is painful for me to even write these words right now but I know they are true and they are the reasons I care so much about finding some friends to talk to online somewhat often. I simply cannot afford to ever give up on this quest no matter how hopeless it might seem a lot of the time. Anyway I'm not sure where I fit into the whole geek or nerd things (I prefer not to use those words for my own personal reasons) but I'd be glad to talk to you via PM if you would like that as well. We could talk about whatever you wanted to talk about, I love hearing/reading about what people are interested in as well and why they like what they like. If you enjoy talking about that kind of stuff then I'd love that. I like to talk about things I like as well so hopefully there would be a bit of interest in reading about some things I'm interested in as well. I consider myself to be quite an accepting and non-judgemental person though. It's rare that I will be like "omg why do you like that? Or why do you do that?" or any harsh/critical kinds of things like that. Anyway ok this is quite long lol (hopefully that is not a problem but if it is then sorry) so hope we can talk more soon by PM if you want, and if not then I wish you the best of luck with having some good friends in your life soon! :)
  9. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I’d be glad to talk to you on PM! The more friends the better!
    JMG and Reaver like this.
  10. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member


    When you say you can't drive due to your mental health, is this something ordered by the law, or you feel you can't drive due to the things you know about yourself?
    Have you tried any sites like meetup.com to help you meet potential new friends in a more casual setting?
  11. littlelucy

    littlelucy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for what you are going through! I have no friends either and I'm trying to make friends. It's hard as adults. You seem like a really cool person and I'm sure you will find someone with your interests! After all, tons of people go to comic con right? So it is somewhat popular..
    Reaver likes this.
  12. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I tried to drive for a full year and i just can’t get over my anxieties about it. There are to many variables that I can’t control. I’m just not very good at it and honestly I don’t like driving to begin with. As for meetup.com I need to check it out because a few people have recommended it to me
  13. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    I definitely have some anxieties about driving too. I hope to one day change to just use bike and bus or something. If you have other transportation options then sure why not skip driving.
    I hope meetup works for you, it's somewhat luck depending on how popular they are in your area. But I've met many nice people from it and a small number of people I considered friends until I had to move / change schedule... so that's my fault.
  14. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    I don't have any friends myself. One problem is I had open heart surgery when I was a baby so I've had it my whole life including when I started school. So I guess you know what that means, being unpopular. My mother forced me to go to a program called Young Fives for children who weren't progressing fast enough, but they never had me tested and she practically forced me to go even though I could have skipped grades. I remember once I wrote a piano score when I was five. I started writing stories when I was five. I could read when I was three. So I pretty much had a bad start at life and it is just getting worse. I tried making friends online and I had one friend named Jason but his father got in a car accident when he was a teenager and his mother started to treat him like he was more than a son if you know what I mean. I mean she liked him as if he were a boyfriend. So I told him to live somewhere else and he did but after awhile he stopped talking to me because he said he was shy. I wonder if his family made him lack confidence. Then I started talking to someone from school but he was shy too and stopped talking to me after a year. My sister used to call me Daria so I have a feeling most people don't talk to me because of my looks. I got glasses when I was around 12. I also have scars and I don't want to mention my surgeries because I'm afraid people will laugh at me, whenever I told random people in surgery I had school they said it was strange and they didn't want to talk to me after that.

    I do not have a car because my mother wouldn't let me take Driver's Ed 2 in school even though I passed Driver's Ed 1. I think she is prejudiced or something. I'm not really sure. If I had gotten a job I would have done fine probably but she wouldn't even help me with that. At least I would have been able to go out when I wanted, although I would be afraid to go to a bar or something. At least I would be able to go out to eat to a restaurant. All I have is a McDonald's near me and I have to cross the street for that.
  15. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Alumni

    You seem to be a pretty smart person! Maybe you can make it a goal to get driving lessons on your own? You could probably study for the theory part independently if you wanted.

    Are you able to look into getting some part-time work?

    You've made friends before, and while they may not have lasted a lifetime, I'm sure that you will meet others, just at the right time in the right place with some effort.
  16. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    Well I am on SSI so I don't have enough money to get a car. I don't really want a part-time job right now. I write a lot though.
  17. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    I can relate to a lot of what you say. I do technically have friends, but they're either from university and live in England, or online friends, so no one I can physically hang out with. I'm also stuck at home a lot and have had a lot of trouble learning to function on my own, as even when I've had friends, they've been the ones to initiate/organise things.

    One thing I'll tell you is I wouldn't worry about the "nerdy" aspect too much. I'm into video games, metal, a little bit of anime occasionally, roleplaying games, things of that general nature. Very few of my friends have those same interests. Even the ones that do like one or two of those things, they aren't really the focus of our relationship. My ex, for example, was into all the same stuff as me (to an even larger extent in fact) and while it was awesome... it really didn't amount to all that much in practice. If you told me now that I'd never hook up with a girl who I had so much "in common" with in terms of shared interests, I wouldn't even really care. If anything, it became boring after a while to have every silent void filled with needlessly in depth analysis of anime or video games, so weirdly, it can even be a hindrance now and again.

    I started making friends when I stopped worrying so much about finding people who are just like me and getting accepted for who I am. I know this is a massive stereotype, but in my experience, it is somewhat true that "nerdy" people are more introverted and closed off, and thus will make little effort to make friends with you unless they are just as lonely. I spent a year going to university socities such as the anime society we had, and I didn't make a single friend, and only had a handful of conversations. But when I just tried to be more sociable and friendly to the people around me, dare to make more jokes in public and be open minded to new things, rather than just set in my "identity" (but that's a whole other rant I have on modern society lol), I began to make a lot of friends and be well liked by most everyone.
    The way I look at it, it IS awesome to have someone who you can do things you are legitimately passionate about with, no question about it. But ultimately, if you enjoy someone's company, if you connect with them on a deeper level, you don't really give a fuck what you're doing together, since it's the fact that you're doing it with that friend that brings you joy. Conversely, you can have everything in common with them, all your favourite shows and bands and whatnot, but if you just don't really click, none of that's gonna make a difference. So you might as well just focus on being nice and open to anyone you meet, and eventually, you'll make some friends. Not to mention, you can always be introduced to new things, as well as introduce your friends to the things you like.

    With all that said, this is just my personal experience. There's probably just as many people who will tell you the exact opposite. But ultimately, it is about figuring out what works for you, and for that you need to put yourself out there and try different things. Best of luck, you seem pretty cool, so I'm sure it'll work out!
    BarryW and Paisley like this.
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I could have written your post. I want to travel but like you don't even know how to book a hotel reservation. I don't ''deal'' with having no friends, I just get used to it.
    No one wants anything to do with me because im shy and reserved and prone to anxiety attacks. Had to walk out of a room full of family members last night even though i wanted to talk to them because I knew I was going to get a panic attack and I was right. Wish I could make some friends, im a very generous person but you cannot buy friends and i don't have the social skills to keep a friendship going. So, I'm at a loss to be honest...sorry.
  19. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter

    It's not easy to deal with having no friends.... just wanted to send some huge hugs your way....
    Could you - are you ready to - do anything to branch out on your own more so that you don't have to depend on anyone else like your mother as much?
    cvb2377 likes this.
  20. cvb2377

    cvb2377 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean by finding and being excepting of friends who are necessarily nerdy because trust me I’ve tried it. My social skills are good enough to where I can get to know people but either it ends in an acquaintance type relationship where we are friendly towards each other and can talk decent enough but we never “click” or they find me to different from them and it ends there. I understand that you can be introduced into things and introduce others into what you like because I’ve also tried that. They either have interests that don’t appeal to me, I have interests that don’t appeal to them or we do share interests then they just are not as into it as I am. During my school days I’ve had so many acquaintances and only 2 best friends from middle school who I’ve sadly grown apart from. I guess I want to meet someone open minded like me who is always on the look out for new hobbies and things to do. Most people I meet are closed off and are too routine in what they like and never deviate, which is fine but I meet to many people who fit into that description. Actually I think it’d be cool to meet someone with different interests as me so long as it’s some beyond the norm, at least it’d be a change up.