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How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before you?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by A_New_Man, Dec 15, 2006.

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  1. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    I just can't deal with the fact that my girlfriend had sex twice with another guy before she met me. It's not that I think she's a slut just for sleeping with somebody. The knowledge of knowing that another guy got to have sex with her makes me feel incredibly jealous and insecure. There was another guy having his way with her, running his hands over her body, having so much fun with her naked. How am I supposed to live with that fact?

    I really can't understand how in the world people can date other people who are experienced. What do you feel when you think about the fact that your girlfriend / boyfriend did sexual favors for other people? Do you feel jealous when you think about the fact that someone else was having a great time exploring your partner's body with their hands? Does it make you feel bad at all to remember that your partner was in love with other people, having sex with other people?

    I just can't understand how other people deal with those facts. It really tears me up - I spend hours thinking about how there were two other guys in my girlfriends' life who got to have their way with her, and I lose sleep at night thinking about how it can never be undone or fixed.

    I'll always be the third. Never the first. There are some honors I'll never have with my girlfriend. She's already experienced many different things and experimented with many different things, whereas I'll be the noobish virgin, all excited the first time whereas it's old news for her. It's an awful feeling.

    How do you put up with the fact that someone else was pleasured by your lover?
  2. Wonderstuff

    Wonderstuff Staff Alumni

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    Well hun, I can't really advise too much here. Just remember that there was obviously a reason why she broke up with them, and there is a reason why she is now with you :) She wouldn't be with you if she didn't want to be. Just think about why that is :)
    I'm sorry that I couldn't really give any more advice.
    I hope you can learn to get past this :hug:

  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    Everyone has a past and what they did before they met you is their business.

    However, can so relate to how jealous it must make you feel.
  4. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    Just like to say, that that actually made me feel worse... the best thing to do is not think about it, think about the present and about you in the future, surely if you meet someone else you wouldn't want them to feel like this about you...
  5. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    I might be a bit strange in this, but I find it not exactly a turn on, but quite nice to know that my partner has a past. I'd be so nervous if I was someone's first, though I'm nervous anyway! Thing is, if they're experienced and they tell you it was good, well they have something to compare it to don't they. I can make me jealous sometimes, but like Dev said, everyone's got a past
  6. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    I know how you must feel Ex. I couldn't imagine how frustrating that would be. It's just like, the thought of other men touching her, and being inside her it's enough to drive someone mad. Just the sheer thought...it can never be changed.

    I guess I'm not much help, but just want to let you know you ain't alone on that awful feeling.
  7. wildchick1986

    wildchick1986 Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    When you're with someone new, it's kind of like the first time (in a way). I know that doesn't help, but it's true.
  8. Lou

    Lou Well-Known Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    I understand what your saying, but your girlfriend is now with you :) So don't let her past stop you being happy with her :)
  9. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    I dont really know what to say in reply but i suppose i thought i wud answer from the other POV seeing as i am someone who had a bit of a past. Then with my last bf he had had very little experiance. I was always so worried that my past would worry him or make him think badly of me. Anyway i suppose the point i am tryin to make is that despite I had a past it was him that i wanted to be with then. I had picked him and none of my past bf's mattered to me.

    I think u shud try to remember that she is with u now. She has picked u and so u must be very special to her. Also if u love her then it shouldn't really matter who she has been with before.

    Take care
  10. Tatara

    Tatara Active Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    I can relate to how you must feel. Though I have never had the feelings myself because I haven't been in your situation I often wonder if I would feel this way if I was in this position. When my now-husband and I got together I had quite a past. A destructive and not very classy sexual past. He seemed to have the same jealousy problems you had (he was a virgin at the time, so I was his first and only). Hes a very confident man, but even still sometimes I see his jealousy.

    The thing is, I sorta wish that he wasn't a virgin when we met because now (8 years later) I worry that he might wonder what it would be like with other girls. Since he never got a chance to expiriment sexually in his younger years I worry that when our marriage gets boring that he might want to know what other girls can do for him. If his curiousity gets the best of him I don't know what I would do.

    So while right now it may feel overwhelming, in the long run you will be minus 1 worry in your relationship. If you think about it that way it may make you feel less anxious about it.
  11. goliath

    goliath Active Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    It's not a problem for me as long as she doesn't sleep with anybody else when she's with me. I wouldn't expect my girlfriend to be a virgin as I am not a virgin either. If you love your girlfriend and she loves you that's all that matters. Don't jeopardize your relationship because of jealousy. Do not think about the past. Focus on today. I assume that you are jealous about her past only because you hadn't slept with a girl before you met her. Correct me if I'm wrong. I used to be in a long time relationship with a girl who had 4 lovers before me and I was losing my virginity with her. I was really jealous about it but it doesn't lead anywhere. Some people are more experienced than others and that's the way it is. My advice is come to terms with it or you will lose her.
    Good luck mate:)
  12. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    In my opinon...

    We're just animals. Sex is a natural thing for us. This attatchment we place on the general act is... limiting. It's tough to break it up so you can see sex versus love, but there is a difference. Some of us embrace or try to embrace what we are, an animal, and we have desires that dont have emotional attachment. Just because someone has had sex doesn't mean their souls become linked.(too put it as dramatically as i can, but take that sentence and dilute it or saturate it to the level that starts to make you feel off)

    First times are... yeah. they mean alot. but you wanna know what, that doesnt mean they mean as much as the moments now and to come. You need to get over the first time things inthe past, and the present, and the future. if you have a problem with her having a life and having sex for the first time or any other time you're being selfish and possesive in my opinon. shes her own person, why cant she have some fun in her life? Whos the one really placeing the big issue on this, her or you? (dont take this harshly, just being straight up with you). Trust me, you can drive yourself mad if you keep digging into it, going from the first thought, then going, "this means this," "this means that" "what about that?" "what if this happened... " all the string posibilities that keep coming as you feel without thinking. Use your feelings, but your logic too.

    It sounds like its messing you up inside, which is better then you turning inward and somehow turning off to her in ways. She's got a life, had one before you, before her first sexual partner. Conceptually, id be careful. what if a fella makes her feel really good by doing something with her for the first time? what if he was there for all the first steps in a growing/learning/fun experience/process and you werent involved? its probably gonna happen. We dont really live in a box(house) and hide away with our partners and never share aspects of life with others. well, some dont. we're social creatures. theres going to be loads of times you arent going to be the first. embrace the fact that you can share Time and Experiences with this person, not fighting for first times and breaking yourself down when you know this certain event you can never have a first with her.

    shes had sex with someone else. maybe look at what sex is, for you, .what it means ect. cause its just sex..

    you have to be stronger than your self destructive thinking. cause this will drive you into the floor if you dont deal with it, and harm your relationship. maybe stop compareing yourself to something that really, you cant do anything about. live for the now and the time you are shareing with her.

    Yeah, you're dwelling over something you can't ever alter, . youre also placeing way to much on it, .... you're making it about you. Don't blur the lines. She had her first. she had her second. now she has you. Shes now your first. You have her. dont look back and try to bring aspects and feelings from the present and place them in the past. you've got the now, dont waste the now dwelling on a past that never was yours to begin with.

    Yeah, get over it. Honestly. You NEED to get over that there are somethings youll never be able to do with your girlfriend for the first time. But in my opinon, thats not the do all crap. trust me, just because you dont share something for the first time with her doesnt mean its the end of chapter, that the person who shared those first moments has some hidden or sealed box of feeling between them you and her can never touch. Fuck, if shes your partner, id hope shed want to share those moments with you and talk to you about em and you'd be thrilled that shes shareing them with you, and not turning it into something about you. I mean, if she wants to talk to you about her sexual time with her first, look at it like, .. shes talking to you about an experince of hers and she wants to share it with you. Maybe she doesnt, i donno, just trying to help you see and seperate events that are yours and ones that are hers.

    This part sounds like assumption.

    old news? get over that. if you conceptually hold true to that line of thinking you are going to limit the fuck out of yourself in your life in alot of ways and your not going to even know it.

    be confident on who you are. you're compareing yourself alot to others and their experiences. dont try and top them, just make your experiences with her. dont taint them with other people. enjoy the time you guys have together. really, all your worries are just crap, as are most worries in the end. the road through them is important, to see them, to understand them, to see that certain things make you feel a certain way. but if you let those feelings dominate you, pulling you one way but your heading the other way, you're gonna get torn apart but kept in a box in a dead zone. until you realize that though, they are going to be the most important issues in your life and keep you away for hours on end. but they are crap. but important.. but crap. I dont know if you get what i mean. i hope you can see that im not calling your feelings crap, im calling what you are letting them do to you crap.

    You need to sit down and think about somethings and make choices on how you are going to percieve and move forward on things. cause it sounds like your in a haze surrounded by a problem of perception and youre refusing to move forward on an aspect thats foriegn to you, or that was, but its in your face now.

    Simply put. In my opinon.

    You need to realize she has her own life. You need to make some choices on these grounds without generalising the problem and inflating it with feelings, but not turning yourself off to feelings. Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't compare. Shes with you now. no one else. youre dwelling

    and really you care about her, and she cares about you i am assuming. do it without worry or comparison. do it with her and have some fun. fuck the past. you might just spiral
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2006
  13. Porcelain

    Porcelain Well-Known Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    There will be something that she hasn't done that she may well want to do with you as her first. I'll give you an example....I've slept with 8 people in total. My last boyfriend I was with for for 8 months and I experienced sex without a condom with him for the first time (still on the pill tho) so he was my first in that respect....I trusted him enough to just be on the pill rather than use both.

    And to be honest.....the first time you have sex is never very good (if you're female anyway) so being someone's first isn't the honour you all think it is. It hurts, it feels weird and you hardly ever feel much pleasure. Maybe you'll be the first to give her a proper orgasm.....maybe you'll be the first to make her breathless with desire.

    Concentrate on her, concentrate on yourself and forget about the past. It's happened, it can't be changed and I think if she found out the way you felt she would feel hurt and take it as a sign that you don't think much of her. That may not be true but I would definitely feel hurt if I found out a guy I was seeing had problems with my sexual past so you really need to get past this.
  14. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    Well, I partially dealt with it...partially.

    I had a long talk with her, and asked her questions. Things like "How many times did you have sex", "Who did you have sex with", "When did you lose your virginity"...I know those sound like pretty intrusive questions, and I admit that they were. But she was actually fine with answering them. I was asking her questions about a troubled time in her life, but afterwards, she said it actually made her a bit relieved to talk about all of her past 'mistakes', because it felt good to let it all go and get it off her chest.

    However, she wouldn't talk about Joh, who was apparently a very abusive boyfriend...I am really really curious as to what went on between the two of them, but I won't pry, although I really hope to learn one day.
  15. Ks208

    Ks208 New Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    Man that's the best advice I've ever heard.
  16. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    i find your feelings very strange actually, but fascinating because they are so completely opposite of the way I've always felt and thought about sex. when I was still a virgin, I hated it and couldn't wait to gain some experience. I had no interest in that first person being "special" or the love of my life, I just wanted to learn the mechanics of sex and then get on with my life with more confidence and maturity, which is exactly what happened. I met someone, we became friends, we had sex, and then I basically lost interest in him and moved on. love for me is not connected to sex in ANY way...sex is just a primal, biological human drive. it's beautiful and natural and healthy, but it's not what truly bonds you to another human being. those things are all much deeper.

    as it is now, I do not recall my number of sexual partners, but it is well over one hundred. many many men have touched and been inside my body. some good, some bad. some were friends, some were strangers or nearly so. only one was the love of my life and there is no comparing him to the others. He found my sexuality and openness beautiful and exciting, in fact the majority of my other sexual partners were experienced during the course of our relationship. so I certainly cannot imagine what it would be like to be with a man who was not only not accepting of my sexuality but repulsed by it. I imagine it would make me feel very, very low, and quite alone. so perhaps try very hard to think of your gf's past experiences in a different light, as in how they can improve YOUR sex life with her, and how they have helped to shape her into the woman you supposedly love and cherish.
  17. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    My first time was when I was 21. She was 23 and I was her fifth or sixth. For some reason, it didn't bother me too much. The only other woman I have been with since is my ex-wife (who I was married to for 12.5 years and recently got divorced from). I wasn't exactly a virgin when I married her, but she had been with more men than I had been with women. Still, in both cases, I just looked forward and not back. That's all you can do.
  18. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    Your girlfriend is a human being that had a life before you her life has led her to you and i dont think its the real reason. I think you got someIissues with what ifs...you got her first beforehand. Its the what ifs mentality that gotta stop. The past is already done it cannot be undone come to peace with it and make room for the future tomorrow. Congrats on having a potential great girlfriend wish you all happiness.

  19. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Re: How do you deal with the fact that your girlfriend slept with other guys before y

    It wouldn't bother me much, just because of the fact that most guys my age (or older) would have more experience than me. It doesn't matter what happened in the past, what matters is the here and now.
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