How do you deal with the people surrounding you?

[Luna1]

I'm new to this forum and I hope I don't violate any rules, I just don't know what to do, how to interact with the people surrounding me any more.

Lately I've been thinking much about my life, how far I've come and I just realized that I screwed up everything and I am so stuck that there is no way out except to end it once and for all. There is just too much pain and suffering and I can't stop it, it is too late.

The only problem is that I first have to take care of some loose ends, some of them, like my debts, are relatively easy to deal with but I do not know how to deal with my friends and colleagues. They have the image of me that I am a strong person that made it through a lot and that I find solutions to impossible problems. They even lean and depend on me a great deal, but it is too much. They do not know what I am thinking. When they are talking about the future, I know that I won't be there, that they have to count me out, but I can't tell them that because I don't want to burden them. I just don't know how to cushion the blow. They have an image of me that does not exist and I can't take this life anymore. I've really tried.

There are moments when I think that their plans sound great and that I can work through everything once again, that everything is worth figthting for, but those are just brief moments and I know that they are a lie.

 

[total eclipse]

No those moments are not a lie hun Those moments are truth coming through your depression letting you see more clearly at times that there is a way to get t through
Your friends you need to set up some boundaries to protect you from being overwhelmed okay take time out just for you especially when you are feeling this way
Talk okay to a professional you mind you thoughts are so distorted right now you need help hun Meds therapy will help you see that leaving is never an option hun
You will not cushion the blow okay you will bring suffering and pain and so deep a sadness that will not leave your friends.
As long as you are living hun there is hope okay i have been where you are and i too thought as you thought but with meds and therapy i see now how wrong my thoughts were
Keep posting hun okay talk to someone get healing NOW hun okay look after you let your friends look after themselves for awhile. hugs

 

[Luna1]

Thank you for your kind words.

The problem is just that too much has happened and I can't talk about it. I just want everything to end. The sad thing is that my friends and colleagues wouldn't be too sad if they really knew me, knew who I am, what a fraud I am. I'm sorry, I'm just so confused. I don't want to die because it is against my nature but I don't want to live either. Everything is so messed up and it is my fault. I've tried everything to set things straight, but everything just got worse. There is simply no other way out.