how do you do it?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lulu rose, Nov 1, 2007.

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  1. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    when you know you'll feel the same way for months, when you wake up every day feeling worse. Go to sleep at night holding back tears because you know if you start you wont stop.

    when you know you wont see any friends for weeks and weeks
    when you know that help is there but you just dont have the drive to get it alone.
    When you want help, you really want help, but you're afraid of leaving the house and afraid of public transport.

    When you had a taste of such a great life, with everything you ever wanted, big plans for the future, everything. Then it's ripped out of you just like that and you have to go back to the life you had before. Where you just sit in all day, waiting for someone to talk to you, waiting for someone to invite you somewhere. Playing online games day in day out. Being alone...........

    How do you get through it? if you have to be alone against your will, how do you get through these times? how do you jusitfy living if all you have is this?

    I know I have family, and I do have friends, but my friends arent local at all and I'm distant from my family, only my dad knows that I attempted twice and I find it hard to talk to him. My mum died when I was 9 so I dont really have a constant female presence to run to.

  2. lil-sis-one-of-two

    lil-sis-one-of-two Well-Known Member

    I am sorry your feeling bad hun, and just when you were feeling better.
    Just remember I am here if you need to chat.
  3. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    To tell you the truth? guilt. part of me wishes my mother, sisters, aunt and grandparents and my beloved pets would drop dead so I could leave in peace.
  4. Turbatus Phasmatis

    Turbatus Phasmatis Active Member

    I keep going, day after day. Most of the time, like you, I ask myself why; what's the point; nothing matters.

    Now and again I have a good day and it seems that things are at least looking up. Then shortly after a bit of light I end up where I was before, with a prolonged period of darkness.

    Why do I keep trudging on? I'll tell you.

    We suffer because we have the enlightenment that most people lack. Most people are asleep. We're not; we're sensitive to the world and it's energies. We are in tune with it; I have to believe that we are this way for a reason. I don't know what that reason is yet, but I won't find out if I end it all now. Although I feel it's me who is out of place here I know deep down I'm good. You are too or you wouldn't be receptive enough to be troubled the way you are.

    What does all this mean? Possibly different things to different people. My own life? I need to help my spirit so that it can help me. I often make it hard for my spirit, by negging out, in different ways. I can't help it. And when it's at it's worst I just don't want to be here any more. But I've got to keep believing something's going to change, one day.

    We've got to keep believing. All of us. Hang in long enough and it might all fall into place for you. That's what I try to hold on to.

  5. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm pretty isolated, no family, but a couple good friends. I can't talk to them all the time, so I watch videos, hang on youtube, play CDs, read. I finally found a job, but I don't like it. I go to school, but I don't know when I'll graduate. I think about suicide every day.
  6. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    just trying to hold on now.....really trying
  7. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    ahhh, hun, hang in there. you are not alone, i'm here for you. anytime you want to chat, i'm here.

    how and why do i hang on? i hang on because i don't want to hurt my friends. plain and simple, that is why i hang on. how i hang on is by hoping each time i go to sleep, i'll wake up and th nightmare will be over and i can get back to my real life(not this nightmare i am living).
  8. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    One and only one reason. I don't want to hurt the few people that care about me. But that's quickly becoming a non existent reason.
  9. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    Excellent points, Gavin. The same sensitivities that contribute to depression also make it easier to do well in relationships (due to greater empathy), spirituality, and creative work. Some other, similar points: The Depression Advantage
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2007
  10. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I know you guys are trying to help, and trying to give me different veiws on things and I really appreciate the fact that you guys replied.

    At the moment it's like I've taken 1 step forward and 11 steps back, I'm back in that place again, where if there were pills in the house, I know I'd take them.

    The point of feeling completley useless and hopeless.

    I do wonder what can change this, I've enroled on a home course in psychology, which at the time I was excited about and I'm always interested in psychology, but right now it doesn't even matter.

    I've got so many online friends telling me I'm great, I'm pretty, I'm talented and I'd be missed. But really is all that any good when you're lonley and have so many mental issues?.

    The certainty of being happy and the certainty of spending the rest of my life with him are now completley broken, smashed like a window with a ball. It's this uncertainty, this living not knowing where I'll be in the next few years that I hate. I cant function unless I have certainty, but always, that certainty has to be involving a partner otherwise I cant see what it's all for. I live for other people, I never live for myself, and I never have, I doubt I eer will either.

    I was alone all day yesterday..........and even though when my dad is home, we dont chat like a mother and daughter would, it's just the pressence of someone else there that really helps me. When I'm alone, everything attacks me.

    I have no local friends at all. All through this, I've had no one I could just hug and cry into....

    Theres a guy, who I think is interested in me........but with me, it's all or nothing. I'm scared that if we did ever start something that there might be other girls. I'm scared that he'd only want sex....

    I'm paranoid that a guy I like alot might lie to me just to get his way, then leave me having used me.

    I know everyone has had hardships and life isn't always fun. But can I not have a break? could the next painfull experience please be in 10 years time rather than 1? I'm not saying my life's been the worst, but theres only so much I can endure, and I'm at my limit now.
  11. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I dreamt of suicide last night, and how many ways I could do it. In my dream, I was in London on new years day (early hours, after all the festivities) I was on this bridge you have to cross to get to NAMCO I think. Anyway, I sat slouched up against the bridge and texted keith (my ex)

    "happy new year, you'll never see me again, happy for you right?. Theres no chance you'll see me again, because I wont be around after today. I'm jumping off a bridge in London. I love you, I just wanted you to know"

    Then I waitied for about 20 minutes, contemplating and thinking about everything and decided that it really wasn't worth it anymore and I would only be happy, never waking up.

    I sat with my back to the drop and then let myself fall, before I saw what happened though. I woke up. All the time, my phone never rang, even in my dreams, keith hates me.

    should I tell someone about this?
  12. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I tried to kill myself twice! and I'm still not under watch. My dad works from 8am to 5pm-8pm anf then goes out from 9pm onwards. I BARELY see him and theres no one else!

    theres online people, but you all know that we need physical help too.

    I'm working on getting treatment for my BPD but shit, if they give me pills, I dont know what I'll do.

    Should I be making a fuss about this? about how the hospitals seem to have brushed me off with a "think posetive" as their advice?! about how no one seems to be keeping an eye on me. Should it be like this?
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