I was wondering how other people feel/react when they are seriously overcome with suicidal feelings to the point where they feel they may actually do it. Are you calm? Scared? Excited? Do get anxious? More depressed? Confused? I toy with the idea pretty much daily, but I've only seriously contemplated it a few times. The very first time I was fed up with feeling so worthless and down & grabbed a bottle of prescription bills and poured them in my hand & then grabbed a bottle of tequila. I just sat there and stared at the handful of pills for about 20 minutes. I knew they wouldn't do the trick so I put them back & called a friend. I was a little shaken & worried that I had hit such a low point, but mostly I just felt very odd & surreal like it was all a bad dream. The second time was much worse. I was severly depressed and full of self hatred and was convinced that I had to die. I sat in the kitchen with a knife pressed to my wrist trying to muster up the guts to start cutting. My boyfriend was there & I had decided a long time ago that he would not be the one to find me. But the urge was strong as hell nonetheless & I spent the next hour lying in bed on my arms crying hysterically until I fell asleep. It's a strange, unpredictable feeling everytime.