How do you feel/react when you want to kill yourself?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Undone, Jun 12, 2008.

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  1. Undone

    Undone Active Member

    I was wondering how other people feel/react when they are seriously overcome with suicidal feelings to the point where they feel they may actually do it.

    Are you calm? Scared? Excited? Do get anxious? More depressed? Confused?

    I toy with the idea pretty much daily, but I've only seriously contemplated it a few times. The very first time I was fed up with feeling so worthless and down & grabbed a bottle of prescription bills and poured them in my hand & then grabbed a bottle of tequila. I just sat there and stared at the handful of pills for about 20 minutes. I knew they wouldn't do the trick so I put them back & called a friend. I was a little shaken & worried that I had hit such a low point, but mostly I just felt very odd & surreal like it was all a bad dream.

    The second time was much worse. I was severly depressed and full of self hatred and was convinced that I had to die. I sat in the kitchen with a knife pressed to my wrist trying to muster up the guts to start cutting. My boyfriend was there & I had decided a long time ago that he would not be the one to find me. But the urge was strong as hell nonetheless & I spent the next hour lying in bed on my arms crying hysterically until I fell asleep.

    It's a strange, unpredictable feeling everytime.
  2. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    It's hard to say. Whether you want to call it fortunate or unfortunate, I have a very high threshold before I convince myself that I can't take any more. It's only happened two times in my life. Most times when I get close I just end up crying myself to sleep or taking out my emotions on something violently.

    When I have broken that threshold, I've felt calm. Looking back it was emotionally a form of catharsis because I thought it was all going to end.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    My last attempt I don't remember much. I guess you might say I was calm.
    I woke up the next day. I felt like shit, and I was swollen in my arms, hands legs, and feet. I got lucky I didn't loose any limbs from being swollen. When you are like that it risks you loosing limbs from lack of blood flow. The first hospital I went to, the doctor there was an ass. He took one look at me and said quit abusing your m---. So i went to another hospital and they had admitted me right away. Some body parts weren't working due to the m---. I was pretty calm under the circumstances. It turned out that I was having a reaction to a recent m-- change. Well that is about all I have to say before I say the wrong thing and get in trouble for breaking the rules...:chopper:
  4. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Generally the thought calms me, sometimes it doesn't..Depends, I suppose.
  5. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    for me, thinking about it daily is just kind of 'natural' now but when i actually really want to do anything or even attempt anything, i think its hard to explain.
    i think the best way i can describe it is that everything is confusing to me and i dont understand whats happening - living, dying, people and even simple things like sleeping and eating. its kind of weird i know.

    i dont think its very nice to go through it all but then i always feel that its a lot worse when you realize you have failed at your attempt.
    thats the part i dont like, its like a catch-22. i get more depressed when i realize im still living so i go off on the abuse of drugs, drink, and people again to try and forget what a failure i am and in turn that makes me a lot worse again.
    great or what huh!?! :rolleyes:
  6. peach333

    peach333 Member

    I'm very impulsive when I ever have the feeling...
    But after 30min of trying I cool down and just get frightened/depressed
    and I usually cry and feel so overwhelmed.
  7. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Before an attempt I have said right I have had enough I don't really want to be here anymore and I am going. I sort of get tunnel vision and only have in my mind what I want to do, I go into a trance. No tears.

    Though lately when I think about it and doing it I do get tearful or might feel down and I ring my friend.
  8. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    This sounds a lot like what I go through when I'm dealing with serious suicidal ideation. It sucks more than anything in the world for me.
  9. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Angry, confused, panic, calm... When I think about suicide I am bombarded with many different emotions.

    Most of the time if I had the means I would kill myself.
    Until I find a reasonable way to kill myself I will continue to live on.
    I am not one to do something without thinking....
  10. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I mostly romanticize it. When ever I think of killing myself, I think it will be romantic. My favorite music will play, angels will come, I'll meet spiritual beings that will tell me how much they miss me, it will all just be so perfect. But I don't know that, it's just the same with everything in life. I wish everything was that which it's not. I live in fantasies, memories, and I build everything up.
    When I think about it my heart warms :unsure:
  11. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    There was one time, when I was in middle of doing it and very close, I got scared about where I was going to end up on the other side, and stopped. Because I wanted to be with my daughter, and was worried I might not meet her.
  12. mittens

    mittens Active Member

    remodel my arrm
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