How do you find the strength?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AcrossTheUniverse, Jun 21, 2013.

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  1. AcrossTheUniverse

    AcrossTheUniverse New Member

    Hi, I'm new and this is my first posting. I joined this site hoping to gain insight into my problems and connect with others who won't judge me for them. I have a lot of issues. I grew up in a household with abusive, controlling parents who forbade me to have a normal life. I was moved around a lot, not allowed to form friendships or normal social connections, and was often the subject of verbal putdowns. I was told I was fat (so eventually I became anorexic), that I wouldn't amount to anything in life, and that I wasn't worth loving. My parents both came from abusive households too so I guess this was normal for them? When I finally met a guy I was completely in love with in my teens, I ended up pregnant by him accidentally and he abandoned me. My mother found out and rushed me down to the abortion clinic and forced me to have the abortion or I would be thrown out with no money, no education, and no place to go. I was much too young to understand the long term implications of going through with something like that, but she was an adult and DID. Yet she could have cared less how it impacted me, so long as she wouldn't have to be bothered with me and my baby. All I could see at the time was that it was a solution to my problem and that I wouldn't be abandoned all over again. After that, I developed mental health problems, severe insomnia, and started self harming. If I started to cry, she would just give me drugs and tell me to get over it. We did a lot of drugs together. Not long after, my father moved out suddenly and announced he was leaving my mother for another man and that he had been a closet gay the whole time who only got married because his homophobic mother pressured him so much. So he left and my mother and I were forced to survive off $14,000 a year between the two of us. By then, all the friends I had had quit coming around and I was all alone in the world. Since then I moved 2,000 miles away across the country and I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I still struggle with drug use and have trouble connecting with anyone. I have been working in the adult entertainment world most recently. I basically have no friends because I lack the self esteem to try to make new ones. I'm angry at what happened to me and sometimes I want to end it all just to spite those around me that hurt me so much, and who continue to. I struggle with the injustice. Why me? Why did my parents have a child knowing what screwed up people they were? At least I am intelligent enough to know I should never have children and inflict them with my misery. I am also an only child so I have no siblings I went through this together with. I feel an incredible sense of isolation and fear and vulnerability. I am literally now afraid to trust anyone. I can't help but feel my birth and life on this earth was a mistake and an accident. I am intelligent, but I can't get myself together well enough to succeed in life. How do you find the strength to keep going in a world where everyone tries to bring you down? Why are people so cruel to others? After all the abuse I went through, I still am kind to others. I can't talk to one single person in real because they will call me weak and tell me I should get over myself. I know there's people out there who have it worse than me, but it angers me when people try to tell me I don't have a right to be angry about what happened to me. How do you find value in your life when you feel like nothing you do makes an impression on anyone in the entire world and that your existence means nothing? I guess I am just looking for someone to tell me how they manage with the negative feelings every single day. It's been 10 years now and I don't see much improvement in myself. I want to believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel but I'm losing hope. I know this is long so thank you for reading.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi and to let you know your anger you have a right to that and i am sorry that you feel all alone. I came from nothing i would not let the ones that tried to destroy me have that pleasure NO Way in hell would i let them win Education help me become someone if you can apply for some government assistance to get back into school ok do something you enjoy hun get a job that brings you self esteem respect Do not let people use you hun I know it seems hard but please know there is light at the end you just need help getting on that right path hugs
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    Welcome to SF.

    As a child, what we do is called learned behaviour - basically we learn how to be from our parents. Fortunately for you, you have been able to have foresight to stop what your parents did to you from happening to another. But we all deserve a chance to be heard, and the chance to even seek counselling if possible. Friends come and go. Family can be in or out of your life once you're 18, at your choice.

    I would recommend seeing a doc, as it certainly sounds like a level of depression. How deep I do not know, as the impacts of going through with an abortion alone vary from person to person pending the situation and their age. I've been on the receiving end of someone aborting one of my charges - and I wasn't to happy about it.

    I applaud that you want to keep going, and that you're seeking support to do just that.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...what abuse and neglect you went is a wonder you can compose such a thoughtful post...maybe there are underlying issues that impede your success like PTSD and such...I was horrifically abused and neglected as a child and it did take a while to resolve and work through those, I can say I am in the world and feeling, trusting and being the best me possible (unfortunately, along came an illness which struck me down again so the cycle repeats itself)...please PM me if you would like me to share some of the stuff I went through and the processes I discovered in therapy and life...I think each of us who seem along the way has a responsibility to extend a caring hand to those on the journey...with deep understanding

    And here's my favorite version of across the universe: the Beatles
  5. AcrossTheUniverse

    AcrossTheUniverse New Member

    Thanks to all for your thoughtful responses.
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