I'm brand new to forums and definitely new to even thinking about "telling" people about the way I feel but, sigh, here I go.... I've attempted to take my life twice before. I tried to od but then the guilt kicked in before the drugs could really work and called someone. Maybe it was just a cry for help? I don't know? I have never had anyone do any follow up work with me to try and work out what's going on. The attempts were a few years ago now anyway... About 6 months ago my depression reared it's ugly head again and as I knew to reconise the signs I trotted off to my gp. He put me on anti depressants and off I trotted again. The meds started to work again a bit so I plucked up the strength to ask my doc for a referral to a psychologist. I had recently turned 30 and wanted to get my life back on track. It hasn't been on track since I was 15...my gp recommended a psych and I made my first appointment. By the 5th appointment I was in trouble with her for not writing my life plan and and not having watching all the DVDs she'd recommended. For once in my life I asked for help and was sent to a someone who didn't want to help- she just gave me a ton of homework to do and that's not what I needed!! I have no one! I am a mother to the most gorgeous boy and he is the only reason I am still alive today. I know I wouldn't be here if he didn't need me. I just don't know how to ask for help when I don't know what is wrong!!!! I don't have a partner, I just ache for my son's father to want me again. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. My work mates don't notice if I'm not at work anymore, I have a few friends but they all have their own lives and don't get it. I don't want to bother them anyway. My dear dad does try but he doesn't understand mental Heath and he's not around physically anymore anyway. He did live very close by but left for touring the country in his caravan with his partner and is now thinking of buying a business in Perth. I know a lot of u are not based in Australia so he's basically moving from one side of the country to the other. My mum is in her own world and if I don't call her then I am the worst daughter in the world but she never ever calls me and never ever visits me or my son- her only grandson. It's all down to me. I am on my couch tonight where I spend every night. I just want to throw myself through my front window. I want to swallow a whole heaps of pills and never wake up!!! I want to do this so much but I'd then be worse than my own mum!!! I can't leave my baby boy alone I don't know what to do?? I want to be happy. I want to laugh again, I want to love again. Life has just been a whole heap of stuff ups and mistakes and I just feel so desperate!!! I can't do anything now- what? Have my near 7 year old son find me dead?! No. I need to do it when he's not here and with his dad. I can't do it while he's at school or he'll just be waiting for me to collect him and I'll never come. I just need help. I just want to be happy. I haven't been happy for such a long time I don't know if I know how to be happy again and how to get joy from anything. My house is getting worse and worse (it's ok tho, I won't let my boy live in filth), I just can't the motivation to do anything outside what I have to do. I just make it to work, I fed and wash my son, I feed my animals- that's all. I hate myself and I hate my life and I hate hate hate feeling like this!!!! But I don't kow where to go and how to ask for help cos I have no one to talk too!!!!! I don't know what to do?!?!?!?!?!?!!!??!?!?!