How do you get over being replaced?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Absentimental, Jul 8, 2010.

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  1. Absentimental

    Absentimental Active Member

    The title says it all... and this is hurting me like hell.

    She had been my first and only best friend for 4 years, but we have known each other for around 7 years (I'm 21 and she's 18 now) and we had been through a lot of things together, some of the scariest moments of our lives, but we managed to pull each other through even though there is literally an ocean between us.

    It all started over year ago, but it still hurts me now because we still talk, but not as frequently. Our friendship doesn't feel the same any more, the sense of openness is gone, I don't feel like I'm talking to the same person, and I don't even feel like myself when I talk to her. At times the mood between us feels fake.

    We went from talking for hours every day to barely talking once a week when she met a guy online, I found it harder and harder to talk to her, I felt like I was fighting to keep the conversation going and free flowing like it used to because she was so sucked in by this guy, he later became her boyfriend and she met him a couple of times in real life. They both have since split up. The only times she really spoke to me during this time was when they argued and she wanted my help.

    I just faded away. Backed away and waited for her to come to me, and she never did unless she was really upset because of something he did/said. I couldn't let myself struggle and fight for the friendship that I felt like she no longer really cared about as much as I did, about the simple things in our friendship, nothing to do with guys. She might say the same of me because I practically ran the other way when I felt like our friendship was dwindling. But I think I was/am trying to protect myself, she's the only one I've ever been able to truly open up to and it worked both ways. There was even a period of about 4 months where we didn't talk at all, a while later when she decided to contact me about a month after my birthday I just broke down to her and told her how I felt and why I ran away, but it didn't change much, I got the impression she wanted to pretend none of it happened.

    What really hurts me now is that she has a new best friend... she's moved on from our friendship, I believe in ways it's largely my own fault, but I haven't moved on from my friendship with her. She still feels like the sister I never had and I really care about her. It hurts to see her 'flaunt' it in front of me, talking about her "bff" to other friends, getting all excited about getting gifts from her because she's away with family in another country... it's just little things that we shared together, now she's doing it with someone else.

    I really, really, really badly want to move on from this feeling like she apparently has. I'm going to college September and I hope to meet new people, but I don't even think that'll go so well because I'm painfully shy and lack confidence within myself... all this is happening while I see her go and live her life and everything seems to fall into place with ease while I'm stuck in a rut wishing for the simple things in life.

    We're just back to being plain old friends, even some days it barely feels like it and we're more like acquaintances with history.
    I feel like I'll never have a friendship like this one again and it's killing me. It doesn't help that I hardly have any friends as it is because I don't have the courage to be social.

    I don't know what to do to get over it. I have a painful lump in my throat right now from trying to hold back the tears. You'd think after a year it wouldn't still hurt as much as the moment things started to falter, but it does. Time isn't healing. I just miss having that one person you could share everything with and they shared everything back.

    Is there anything I can do... because I don't want to carry around this hurt and emptiness forever.
     
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Hi
    I dont know exactly what you can do to get over this but I just want you to know your not alone this happened with me too many times to count, all with different people.
    Generally it'd be when i'd have a close friend and try and get them to mingle with some of my other, not so close, friends, and then theyd decide they didnt want me around any more so theyd stop calling me, and i'd be left alone, in my room, with nothing to do and no one to talk to.
    Id say the worst time this happened was with my next door neighbour, cause I could see when they were all there and having fun etc. It hurt alot.
    What I ahve learned from these experiences, is to hold people at arms length for a while, see how they react to you, if the pursue conversation with you/your company and if they dont, try not dwell on it it wasnt to be.
    You say yoru starting college this septmeber, as am I and its scaring me shitless I know i'll be the one sat on my own when everyone else is having laughs and jokes around me, and I'll be just the token looser.
    I dont know what else to say, I'm not sure if this has helped at all, but theres my input.
    If you ever want to talk, PM me.
    :hug:
    Sheep
     
  3. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. Because that's what this is, and I know how much it hurts. It feels like years of friendship just don't matter, and you can't work out why or what happened, and it's awful.

    I am frequently abandoned by my so-called friends, some of whom I have cared about deeply. Usually I find it helps to just cut them out completely, but I know this isn't always possible.

    I'm not sure how to advise you to get through this, but I do want to say that it won't always hurt so much and that there's no reason why you won't find another friendship with is just as meaningful. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but please trust me.

    I know you say you are shy and introverted, but try to make the most of college. I guarantee that you will meet people who are like-minded who will want to be friends. For a while you won't want to get too close to anyone, and that's ok, but don't push people away, nor should you expect too much from them. It's scary and horrible, but I've found the best way to boost your confidence is to face the fear and just go for it. Nothing is ever as scary as you think it's going to be.

    I so hope that in time the pain will lessen. Remember that it is her loss, not yours (so cliche!).

    Mim
     
  4. Absentimental

    Absentimental Active Member

    I can relate to that situation with your neighbour, I used to be fairly close with my cousin (this was before I met the girl who became my best friend) and we'd see each other for anything from two weeks to two months ever summer when I would go visit my grandmother, but then all of a sudden one day she decided she didn't want to hang out with me any more and I didn't understand why, what made it worse was she had one of her friend's over and they were hanging out, if it was in the city maybe I could have understood and it wouldn't have bothered me as much... but we were in the country, practically in the middle of nowhere with not much to do, so excluding me didn't make much sense to me unless it was personal.

    But I'm the kind of person who stays silent over these things, I never went over to her place and knock on the door to ask if she wanted to hang out after it. Sort of like what happened in the OP, when things started to go wrong, I just shut off.

    I've replied to your pm, by the way. <3

    @Mim

    It really is. I just wish I could flip a switch and feel like where we were a little over a year ago.

    I'm sorry to hear that, Mim. It's not a nice place to be in. In ways I've tried to cut her out, but I've more cut myself out of things I used to do than exclude her from things I still do... but it's when we talk that I feel like I'm back to square one all over again. In other words (and trying not to be too morbid) it's like visiting someone's grave, or the grave of our friendship, wow I'm sounding way too dramatic, but I hope you know what I mean.

    Thanks, that means a lot. I really hope it's true. <3 I guess it can feel like the whole first break up thing, this is the first time I've lost a major friendship.

    I'm really hoping I can. I'm lucky that I have already met the councillor and she's really nice, so I expect if I have any difficulties I can go to her for a bit of advice. All the people I've met down there so far have been really kind. I'm hoping for the best, but true to my nature, expecting the worst.

    I hope I can find the balance in between and don't end up a complete loner. This whole college thing is a completely new experience, I haven't even been in a class room since I was 10/11 years old so I guess that makes it all the more daunting.

    Thank you muchly~ and I wish I could believe that, but I honestly believe the loss is mine.
     
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