How do you get over the consuming need for revenge?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by snarrylover, Dec 16, 2012.

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  1. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    I'm honestly fighting the urge to get back at some of the people I used to work with for making me quit my job. There're nothing but bullies. As long as they are happy and having a good time, they don't care who their words and actions hurt. When I see them post about happy things on facebook (and sometimes they even slip a little nasty comment in about me) I want nothing more than to hurt them. I have information on this guy I worked with and I fight every day to keep it to myself. But if I told them then it would ruin his marriage and people would treat him differently, just like they treated me differently because I wasn't like them.

    I thought this urge would go when I quit work. But now it's bigger than ever because I wouldn't have to deal with the fall-out.

    They're all out at the work's christmas party tonight and I know a few of them will be laughing about me. I just want to wipe the smiles of their faces.

    Everyone thinks he's really nice and they all get along with him. Everyone thinks he and his wife are the perfect couple. They don't know anything and I want to ruin him.

    How the hell do you get over this need for revenge???
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2012
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    that's a good question. I struggle with the same things myself.

    one thing may be realizing that hurting someone else isn't really going to help you.

    I've come across a lot of people who have mistreated me. oddly, some time later I'll find out some news about them, and something horrible has happened to them. it's uncanny

    so maybe there is karma and it just takes time to get back to these people. maybe life brings bad things to everyone eventually, worse things than you would ever even want to happen to them, so revenge is unnecessary.

    so the religious perspective is that revenge is bad, and not taking revenge will lead you to a more spiritual path

    in any case, there are probably better things for you to focus your time and energy on

    if you can let go of this and focus on making the world better, that's clearly the high road
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2012
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Unfriend the offenders from your Facebook. Stop keeping track of what they are doing or not doing. The best revenge is to do better than those who have wronged you, so focus on achieving better and being happier in life than they are.
  4. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    I dont believe in karma. Im dealing with 10 years of crap and the people who have given me that crap are having the time of their lives, getting promoted, everyonr thinking they are amazing.

    I know i should delete them. I know the reason i still have them is in case i decide to tell them all, but i cant. Im so vengeful its scary.
  5. VikKalmbach

    VikKalmbach Active Member

    I'm going to go against the grain and say I also have a pretty big appetite for revenge and enjoy getting people back.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    ...... however, the thing to remember is 'Retaliation always promotes Escalation' - and then ask yourself 'Is this what I want?' If I got revenge, it might make me feel better for a bit, but there would be the open-ended risk of them hurting me more.

    The most mature thing to do, however hard, is - OK - always the hardest...... allow this experience to make you the better person.. The best things in life to do are the hardest ones, it's true, but that is how the strongest characters are formed :)

    I have battled myself.....for too many years than I would like to admit to..... to forgive peoples' "treachery"..... but have come to the conclusion that it really is the ONLY way that works long term for one's own peace of mind. Forgiveness is a real thing, and our forgiving them does not make them right at all - it sets us free. Free from the horrible emotions of resentment and bitterness.
  7. VikKalmbach

    VikKalmbach Active Member

    Incredibly wise words.

    I find it interesting looking through this forum, where some self confidence might be lacking there is an abundant amount of very valuable wisdom. Where in life, or society, or whatever "it" is, there is an abundance of self confidence but not very much wisdom. "it" is where these people exist that get to where they want to be by stepping on others.

    You are all incredible, brilliant people, I know everyone knows this deep down how truly beautiful and unique you are
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Thank you Vik - that is why I love SF too - I have learned so much through being here - it's the only site I've ever found where people don't jump down your throat should you say something they consider is "WRONG!!!"

    Wisdom is more precious than rubies - so King Solomon said - but unfortunately doesn't grow on trees........ If you Google "Living Wisdom" you should find where I've gained the wisdom I have now, which I wish I had 20 or 30 - or 40 years ago, lol!
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Revenge - harm to others in retaliation for a wrong - is a very temporary "good" feeling. It's gone almost as soon as it's achieved. If we really seek nasty revenge, we have lowered ourselves to the level of the bullies. Revenge only adds to the pile of wrongs in the world...It doesn't erase any.

    When we focus on wanting revenge, we are holding onto the hurt those people caused. We give them our own power if we spend a lot of time on seeking revenge. I do understand the residual anger and the outrage at being wronged and bullied...especially the desire to make that other person understand and feel and "pay" for what we went through. Unfortunately, revenge doesn't resolve how we feel.

    In my experience, the best "revenge" against bullies and people who would hold us back is to "succeed IN SPITE OF THEM." That will help us resolve how the bullying made us feel. Putting our energies into achieving our success (and not into thinking about those horrible people) makes us better than those who hurt us.

    If the bullies didn't care when we were there, they likely care even less now that we're not in the group. Bullies are nasty customers. Most move from one target to the next, over and over. No one can trust a bully. So even though some people seem to think this person is a great person and has a wonderful marriage, I would bet they're just going along with things to avoid being a target themselves. Bullies are as nasty as they can get away with with everyone. It doesn't stop with one target, it keeps on going again and again. Other people who seem to be in the crowd and not affected by the bully are likely very aware of the bully and his/her tactics - and scared that if they don't play along, they will be a target. Chicken of them?...You bet. But do they actually like the bully? I doubt it. Bullies are not nice, compassionate people. They are insecure and nasty pieces of work who have to undermine others to boost their own status.

    Revenge - I'd suggest that you seek it in "daydreams" if at all. Better yet, perhaps you could begin to put your real energies into building yourself up now, into taking back your own power so the bullies don't keep you in the past. You deserve to move forward and away from the havoc the bully caused. :hug:
  10. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I struggled with desiring revenge for years. Acy is right, "If the bullies didn't care when we were there, they likely care even less now that we're not in the group." Whatever they have done to you isn't even personal. I know it affected you, personally, but from their point of view, you could have been anyone. And even revenge won't stop it, it'll just put you more in their headlights. You don't have to "forgive" them, but the healthiest thing is to just let it go. You're going to feel all the pain, all the hurt, all the hatred for a while, but eventually it will go away. Meanwhile, you're not giving them a bit more of your energy, and allowing them to take your energy and happiness from you any longer. I know how hard it is to not follow people on Facebook, or whatever, when you have this desire to get them back for what they've done - but by following them, you're reopening the wounds you have, and allowing the hatred and desire for revenge to fester within you - in that regard, you're still allowing them to win, because they're still hurting you. Take them off. Don't give them a minute more of your precious time and energy, they don't deserve it. Go through your emotions, as you will, because that's healthy, then allow them to slip away into the past, as they also will, as you continue on in your life's experiences. They'll be replaced by other, more positive things, I promise! This all, from experience. {{{Hugs}}}
  11. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the advice, guys. What you've all said makes complete sense and I'm really trying. I deffinitely do enact my revenge in my daydreams but that just makes me want it more. I'm trying to delete them but I keep thinking "what if?" It's not like normal, nasty highschool bullying - it was all at work and they are so much happier that I'm not there. Three of them had a party when I left!! I'm not a horrible person. They treated me like that because of the way I am - depressed and shy - and because I had the guts to complain to management about them. There's a real sense of "togetherness" at that place and I know that by outing this one person it will hurt them all and get lots into trouble. And I'm away from that so I can just enjoy the outcome.

    It's silly, I know. I shouldn't do it. But I want to. If I wasn't tryping this right now then I'd be tryping something else and getting back at them. I had to come here to try and get it out of my system. It's the third time in such a short period that I've had to distract myself from doing it. So I'm trying at least. But the urge is getting worse.

    I spent money finding out where this guy lives incase I want to send his wife a letter. That's how bad it is. I need serious help!!

    But I love this fourm. Some of the nicest people in the world are on here. It's not right that so many nice people have to suffer :(
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I've learned to get over the need for revenge. Do you believe in karma? =) Also you need to just let go, as hard as that may be. You are a good person, they're not. Remember that, :)
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