How do you go forward when everything falls apart?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Letdown, Mar 1, 2016.

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  1. Letdown

    Letdown New Member

    I know I should be excited with my me I'm not gloating...I'm 26, intelligent, (I have 3 bachelor's), always have been the funniest guy in the room, I personal train and I'm in the best shape of my life, I met an amazing girl. I have money to pay bills...but the one constant that has remained for the last 8 years is I still want to kill used to just be a form of escape when things got bad..I'd drift and dive into a dream where I took my life...this always Gave me a false sense of reassurance...that no matter how I fucked up..It would be ok because at the end of the day I could catch the next flight out of this life..all I needed was the perfect moment/reason..well over time I no longer need a negative instance over the course of the day in order to contemplate my own mortality...I do it fluidly now..the same way you think about going to the bank or what your plans are for the weekend...just a casual thought's beginning to turn into a full blown's the first thing I think about in the morning...and it's how I fall asleep at night..part of me wants to finish the semester and do it after the holidays..but I'm torn..I'd much rather drop what I'm doing mid week, do somthing redeeming with the money in my bank account (somthing positive for a person in need to balance out all of the negative I've gifted the world) and then unplug the power...I've always thought about I would do it would selfishly hurt those who care about me...what I would include in a note and who I would address...whoso voice I'd want to hear one last time. How I would conceal it so it was difficult to locate my body. How much pain do I want to feel before I loose my consciousness and the ability to feel..pain is the only thing my mind seems to respond to and reinforce it really only makes sense that I leave this body having felt the only thing that makes life feel real. I smile from time to time..just so others won't ask. Who wants to waste breathe consoling someone with a self imposed death sentence...why burden others further when the only reason they keep you around is bc they don't precieve you to be crazy...suicide doesn't make sense...I know that. Goes against every innate instinct..self preservation. But that's what makes me think it must be right..why would my collective organism want to self terminate? I think of cells and preprogrammed cellular death (apoptisis) some instances cells kill themselves when they realize that they are doing more harm than good...I know that's a loose interpretation...but it makes suicide more rationale and logical... I know it's selfish...I know it hurts the ones you care about..that knowledge has bonded me to this earth until this past semester...I don't cry anymore when I think of my mother or friends gazing upon my lifeless corpse..I don't worry about how they will go on...they don't have to be me...I know my brain only highlights and records the negatives in order to endlessly play them back in my mind like a runaway freight train...I've only ever opended up twice to anyone...first one was my ex who was the opposite of me...we broke up shortly after bc i scared her with how unstable i sounded...we were together for a long time, alot of good that did me..the second was more recent..a friend with depression as well..she understood..not sure if that helped or not..more affirming than anything..I know there's meds out there and professionals to talk to..I don't want the label of unstable..I don't want people to pitty me or treat me different..I don't want any of this at all..I refuse to take quazi science medication..SSRI's that really have been linked to worsening things more than they benefit...never have met anyone satisfied with their meds...weed has been the only good thing that gives me relief...really just numbs my thoughts entirely..but I'm in a fucking program where I can't smoke...Im agnostic...I don't believe that someone is watching over the grand scheme of existence I'm nothing...after the last neuron in my brain ceases, when my heart takes its last beat..Im fairly positive that I'll find myself in the same place I was before I was born...lost in nothingness..finally free of thought...away from the torment of my own brain..such a awful joke..I'm gifted with consciousness and perception...but all I long for is escape and all I feel is pain... I'd be on another plain or cease to exist if it wernt for that girl I met..but I'm beginning to realize that it's selfish to foster a relationship when you have no intention of continuing on with life..I'm hurting her...she cares about me...and I'm hurting her..what the fuck is wrong with thankful if you have never felt seems to be amazing and filled with excitement and wonder...but I'm just an outsider looking in. And it's fucking cold
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry to hear you are struggling with these thoughts. But I'm happy you're at least trying to reach out here.

    I know you say you don't want therapy but therapy is not only people showing you sympathy. A good therapist or counselor you could say that too and they would work from that point on. Getting treatments for these thoughts does not have to label you unstable either.
    But what it can do for you is giving you a different perspective of things, even new ways to think and behave. There's a lot of strategies to be learned through therapy and counseling.

    I'd say it's at least worth giving a shot. You say you have a good life, why not try to work on prolonging it by working against those thoughts?
    Letdown likes this.
  3. Letdown

    Letdown New Member

    its harder than just that :( i lost my seat in my program last night (emailed by the prof) this depression has taken everything away from me. i missed a little over a week of class simply bc i couldn't pull myself out of bed. i went days without tired to kill tired to sleep. my girlfriend forced me to see a doctor. i started on an SSRI about a week feel anything..its only gotten worse. This is such a set back. i can't do this stress anymore. im fucking everything up and its all in my just so weak :( the girl i fell in love with is amazing. i met her in school. shes beautiful, smart, funny and we love all the same things. the only problem is she also is a stripper. i could deal with it when i first met her, but its destroying me now. id rather die than leave her. shes all i have now. im just at a loss right now...i feel petty for even posting :( thank you for taking the time to read it phantom. it does mean something to me.
  4. Fluffypingu

    Fluffypingu Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry u are feeling so bad right now but proud of you that your trying to get yourself sorted huge hugs
    Letdown likes this.
  5. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sometimes medication doesn't start working right away. Have you told your doctor about the medication making you feel worse?
    What about emailing your prof and explaining what's going on?
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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