How do you help yourself. When other cant

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wolf, Sep 17, 2006.

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  1. wolf

    wolf Active Member

    I am really batteling to get through a day lately. Its hitting the 23rd soon.
    I went to see someone for help. They made me sign some letter stating I promise not to kill myself. But all the money and time seeing her prooved useless. She does not even no what to do. She is lost for words.

    So if someone that helps people for a lving cant help me . How the hell can I help myself. I have tried and tried so f*$cken hard to come right. But as soon as I do I come down again 100 times worse. Is this just a sickness without a cure???

    I really dont want to hurt anybody buy the action I am going to take.
    But it seems like the only thing to get people to finally see and think ,
    I dont want to hurt them but I come first . I for once dont want pain.

    I tried crashing my car under heavy medication. I woke up in the hospital without a scratch. The next attempt is foil proof.
  2. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    There simply hasn't been the right thing or person to bring you back. Maybe you have to do it yourself. And then maybe once you save yourself, it will open you up to others helping you.
    I'm glad your attempt did not work. I know you're suffering, I'm not glad for that. But I hope you just sit back and do nothing rather than make another attempt. Things might be at a lull right now, let it happen. Get thru it and find something you want and go for it. Maybe you have and it didn't work out. But there is something. You will find it. You're not hopeless and you're not beyond help. I could not ignore your post because I know better than to believe you should just end it all. Just talk, vent, whatever, people will listen and once you get it all out maybe you will see a way to get through things so you can take a more active role in where your life goes.
    I hope you find something other than an end.
  3. wolf

    wolf Active Member

    I have been trying for 9 months now. The hardest day for me was yesterday. It was my Bday. I really wanted to end it then. But I want to keep to my original dates. I want to die in the one place I feel at peice.

    I have spoken to nearly everyone I know for help I have cried to everyone for help they dont know what to do. I have tried and tried.

    You said you hope I can find something other than the end. What else is there . The only thing that could help is out of reach and impossible to heal or work.
    I just cant anymore.... I feel like a empty inside. It feels like I am looking through someone elses eyes everyday. It all feels like some long dream that I should of woken up from years ago.......

    The day before I end everything. I will post all my real details about which country I live in my name and where I lived , so some part of me stays with you. I wrote the not on my pc already. Leaving certain of my good to certain people.....

    I cant go back to try healing myself to just go through this again. Cause this is the last time I will want to feel this ever again.
  4. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    I don't believe that you should end it. I believe how you feel, very intently. I know you feel if you don't end things, you're going to keep suffering and its going to get worse and it's already too much to bear.
    Go to someone you know. Talk to them. Or just be with them. Or keep talking to us. I know there is something out there for you. Please hang on. Keep the idea you just haven't found it yet. If you really feel there is nothing, start over. Create something. Start small-make a small goal and work towards it. Is there anything at all that makes you feel good? Some song, a picture, doing something? I would like to know-I wouldnt mind sharing mine as well. Talk to you soon.
  5. wolf

    wolf Active Member

    I have gone to people I know. They dont really want to hear it. The rest of my freinds I have chased away. As soon as am in the company of others I want to get away from them and be on my own. I have tried starting over. It does not help. I have tried the gaol routine. That did not work either. I reall dont know what makes me feel good. The pictures that made me feel good make me feel bad. Song I have push me faster towards suicide.

    There is nothing really for me to look forward to . There is nothing in my eyes good anywhere. I think everyone would be better off with me dead anyways.
    . The next few days are going to hard with the depression expecially since I have started steroids with gym.

    How can you make a goal. When you know the goal you want to set is impossible.. Its that very goal that is going to kill me
  6. wolf

    wolf Active Member

    Once again no help to be found . Today is the last chance I will ever be posting.
    I have planed it for the 23. Its over 600km away where my final destination lies.
    23 is the day. I drive in two days.....

    thx 4 any help anyone supplied me .... Pitty some things are not worth saving
  7. guardian

    guardian Member


    Stereoids doesnt help on your situation, in fact it can work depressing, and make you aggresive... i think u should try stop the stereoids for a month, give life another chance, even though this life isnt in our favour, it doesnt mean this world is not for us... we just need to find something that can make us happy, unlike everyone else in this world... but im sure there must be something that makes you happy... You may not know it right now, but you'll find it if u keep looking... dont start the car please.. take some time for yourself to think, and then maybe visit some family or a good friend you can talk to...

    stay alive stay loved.. :wink:
  8. wolf

    wolf Active Member

    I have taken time for myself. For 3 months . I thought and thought.
    I have spoken to freinds. They dont know what to do.

    Stay alive and stay loved??? Please show where love cause I have failed to find it for the last few years.

    I will stick to my plan . Thursday morning 4am I drive.
    Everything has be planned to the T.

    Thre seems like no better option. I have looked long and hard at myself and the past. If the past is anything like the future . I should have ended it long time ago....
  9. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hello Wolf

    ANd welcome to the Suicide Forum.i hope you find SF useful.YOu sound in a lot of pain and distress and i know its probably not much use to you to hear this but i am sorry that you are going through this.i do have time for you.i can relaate to a lot of the feelings you express.You are in a place it seems where it is horrible to sorry for that too.i know how hard it can be when you dont know if you will get through the next moment,hour or day literally.i know how you feel you probably dont have a life when things get like that.ANd as for your friends etc they probably do care a great deal and would be forever effectede if you make the choice to end it but i think you are wise and probably right when you say that they probably dont know what to do when you approach them.i know thats no use to you but it doesnt mean they dont care.They probably feel useless adn inadequate too.THey probably feel they are failing you,somebody they care about,and nobody likes failing their friends or seeing them in so much pain and hurting.Thsi probabaly leads to their reaction of how they are etc and they may not realise how you perceive their actions or the effect it has on kyou.i know none of my words help you and i so wish i could say something of more comfort.i am here for you though.i am fairly sure others will be too.This is a wonderful place.i have met some fantastic people here who have helped me in many many ways and i will never be able to repay them.Please give htis site a chance.Pleases keeep posting if you would like and also if you dont mind at some point id like to speak to you via private messageing or email etc.i hope you dont mind me saying that.But i have time for you.i will always have time.i will make it.i dont know you well but you still matter.i dont know if i can help but you still matter.i knoow how terrinle it can feel when you think noone has the time for you.i will always try to be here when i can.Admittedly i have to go out for half an hour to an hour now but i will be back in online in a little while.ANd thats a promise.Ok?im more than happy to talk to not gonna lecture you,preach or judge.My situation is complex and i would be a hypocrite to do so_Or to even try.i understand you thinkinhg of plans and ideas etc and i know how tough it can to just keep hanging in there but please take the next few moments as they come and please try and hang in there and stay as safe as possible for me [and even more for yourself.]i may selfish but id like to get to know you and i will be back soon..................big hugs if wanted.i am sorry you feel so bad.Genuinely i will.Hope to talk to you in a bit.Feel free to private message me or email me or whatever whilst im gone for a bit if you like.

    Take care and best wishes for now
  10. wolf

    wolf Active Member

    You have brought tears in my eyes. But I have had those for a while now.

    I am only 24 and the amount if shit I am going through is honestly not worth it.
    I have given myself and life endless chances. I thought long and hard. I ask myself what do I want . And its always the same two answers. But its out of my reach out of my control. Really I dont really think its a good idea making contact
    . I am very sure we live in wo different time zones and so on.

    I will try post again after I go to training . As it would be my last opertunity to do so. I cannot change the plan to drive. I have made it in such a way that a freind is coming with me , but the only reason he will be coming with me is to find my body and take it back.

    I have put so much effort to try make a wrong a right . But it did not work. I try my butt off to try move on to try show myself there is some good out there , but then I just see the bad . I go out with my freind just to leave and go somewhere on my own. I drive 100km everyweekend a night just to pub just to think and sit and wonder what to do.

    I sit at home lying awake for days not knowing what to do. The slightest negative thing pushes me closer to edge .

    There is no up or down , left or right for me right now. Everything seems so pointless and so predictable.

    If I look at a person I dont even see someone. Its like staring into space.

    I am scared if I dont end it now I never will. Cause death sound so sweet right now lately.
  11. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    I understand what you mean when you said you've tried talking to people and they don't want to hear it. I think some people either don't take depression and other mental illness seriously because they can't even imagine what it's like to suffer so much, or it scares them so they take the ostrich approach. Not everyone is like that, you just haven't found the right people.

    I really do hope that you can hang in there, I think most of us on this forum understand what it's like to feel the way you do. I hope we can give you the extra support you need right now.

  12. wolf

    wolf Active Member

    Thats funny , thats what a few people already said to me. I look and look. 99% of people are like sheep. They all say the same act the same. When I try get my point accross they dont look at me as if I am crazy. Maybe I am who cares.
    All that does not matter anymore...

    Thanks for everyones help...
    My mind is set one wat to do. I give of on trying . I have been trying this whole year.

    I am tired now... 1 month is a life time for me..

    Thanks again . Good luck on the choice you make.

  13. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    My story is a long one but for me i feel similar to you.My choice is made and i am already acting on it.

    Anyway i dont want to go on about me here.i just wanteed to apologise for upsetting you and i didnt mean to pressure you into contact.Maybe it isnt a good idea.i dont know how much longer i can be here either....... a day,an hour,a moment is such a long time for me right now.i dont want to get through much more.

    Sorrry i havent been much to you and if i made you feel pressured.i could just hear your pain so much and whether i know you or not that matters a lot to me.Cant explain why.Maybe im jsut crazy but it does.Somehow it matters to me.

    Anyway i need to get offline now but if you post again i'll be back in a few hours but i understand if you would prefer i didnt reply.Welcome anyway and so sorry i upset you.

    i hope you can find whatever you feel you need......

    Take care
  14. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    Wolf, I agree people are like sheep. It's not easy to find people who are willing and able to be there for you with all their heart. It's not impossible to find but it's not easy either. I wish there was something more I could say to console you.

    If you want to talk feel free to PM me

  15. guardian

    guardian Member

    i just recently got these thoughts i have now, and even more pop up all the time... like yesterday... i got kicked out of school... my girlfriend left me (a while ago though)... and shes the only person i really loved, and still love... i guess it wont help alot to talk about how i feel.. but i feel miserable, like a failure, and empty inside...

    but my point is, there is people who care about you.. and as Kath says in the post above, theres is people in here that will listen... and help you all they can, people who have experienced something like you... i think you can get past this,even though it all seems pointless. i think we all can... but we cant do it overnight... death seems like such a good option, and i think that too... recently i thought about jumping out from a 3 floor building... but didnt have the guts to do it, but at the same time im glad i didnt do it... i got a job inteview today, that made my day.. but for how long, i dont know... but there is hope in future, atleast a tiny hope.. sometimes i look back, look back at the times where i had no worries, everything was beautyfull... and it make me wonder, if i can get this feeling again...

    who knows..

    i know my words wont help you much, and im sorry for that... im not good at giving advice... :unsure:

    but i really hope you will keep writing in here...

    best of luck

  16. wolf

    wolf Active Member

    You see I got the job I got everything most people would want.
    But thats all pointless to me. Nothing makes me happy. The one thing that does is too distant to reach . I have had many compications in one year that is too much for me to handle. Its not just one thing . Its not just about some girl who ripped me apart. There so much. But I am not willing to talk about it.

    I have spoken about it to many . It got me no where. I leave 4am tomorrow morning. Picking my freind up. then I wait for my final destination..

    Really the only thing that can save me is a miricle. And I am afraid. God is not on my side or time..
  17. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member

    Its always when I was at my end that I found another begining.

    Its always when you give up that you find what it was you were looking for...

    blah blah blah...I know. But its true.

    And I am a writer whos largest talent as of late seems to be writeing in fragment sentences...and I use commas, incorrectly.

    I dont fucking care!

    You ask what to do when no one can help, when you think you have said it all and the point of repeating yourself over and over...

    Its this point where you look deeper into yourself. You are the only person who can accept this or change it. What is it you are angry over? Why do you need to die? If you dont want to talk to anyone anymore about it - than face yourself. In killing yourself you are still running...from no one but yourself. You feel you dont deserve anyone who might sit and listen to you over and over? Or is it that you feel no one would understand? There are far too many people out in this world for that to be possible. There is and will be one...YOU. Our greatest strengths lie within. Its only from yourself that you can learn the courage and the power you need to keep going. Its only thru self examination that I found who I wanted to be. No matter how I push myself away I have learned that I am who I am. The harder I push
    the closer people come...its all one wierd cluster fucked world out here...but for some reason I still hang onto it.

    There are those days where you are sitting, sitting nowhere really but you look up for once and you see the most beautiful thing...and its nothing to others but everything to could be as silly as the colours on a coffee cup but its everything to you. That one little thing, moment could make your day if you let it. But you must let it.

    You are as strong as you let yourself be.

    keep typeing if you are not alone here and we are listening and waiting. Myself, well, I am searching for a new innovative way to use appostrophies!!!

  18. wolf

    wolf Active Member

    What makes me angry . I put a 100% trust into someone . A 100% love loyalty
    and so forth. I did everything I swore to myself since I would save for the "right" person. Thats person tore me the fuck appart. Lied to me , stole from me , betrayed me , took me for a ride. At the same time all of my closest "freinds" wear throwing fuel on the fire and caring more for themselves or should I say their "fun". Knowing it would kill me inside. Others saw it as my fault , and chose her over me. Even though a few months ago they hated that person.

    Others saw it as she did nothing in the wrong , and it was my fault for feeling this way. Even when she admitted to doing wrong.

    Some claimed to be my closest freind but only brewed more pain and complications into my life for their own gain. Some would do anything to get a reaction out of me . So gave me adivice to see someone for help. Only to put on tons of head medication which nearly made me mad. Some would tell me things they know I should not hear while in my fragile trigger happy state to push me closer to the edge.

    I would cry , break down , loose my mind due to many things I said and did not say. I would be on the border line of death and others would choose to abandon me , or try tell things that would fuel my fire.

    The more I try do the right the more they try make it a wrong. The more I stand up other try push me down. There is so much more I am not telling you but doubt you care. I go out of my way for everyone in my life do more than most . They take it for granted and use and abuse it. As soon as there is something that could make my my life better . Others would rather bury it before it make me happy. Only to dig it out and use it for their amusement and discard it when they done with it or that person..

    It seems all my life people try rune anything good that comes my way. I understand some are looking out for me. But I dont need them to control my life. I rather have them all fuck off.

    I tried changing my direction of life . Only to end up by myself.

    It seems if I cant be a sheep like everyone else and treat life the way they do. I will wither and die....
  19. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hmmm what do I do? Well I distract myself from reality... you know I watch anime play video games hell even do my homework. I escape reality till I get bored with that activity then come crashing back down to reality.... Them I do other things... that involve me bleeding.

    Unfortantly I have not had the courage to attempt anything yet... which is really sad because I could easily do it here and make it look like an accident not a suicide. But alas something holds me back... I am not sure what it is maybe I say I want to die but am really not ready... but soon I will be soon I will be able to die.

    But I would never sign a contract like that. I would say tell the person that if their therapy works I will not want to harm myself any more. Not that I won't do it JUST because I am in therapy or whatever.
  20. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    You say you've been betrayed and lied to. People have turned their backs on you? Don't you think living would be the best revenge? If you kill yourself, you're really just giving in to the petty BS that plagues your life right now. I don't know about you but I'm personally sick of BS and I refuse to let it get the best of me.

    It seems like you still have a fighting spirit, why not give it another shot? These people in your life are not worth your time or your life. You don't need them.

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