Hey David, good to meet you but maybe it would be best if none of us ever met on here and nobody needed a forum like this - but we do and it is so here we are.
Women eh? That kind of pain is hard to put into words - its like bereavement only worse as its easy to accept someone dead not being there for you. It's not their fault!
But we lose a woman, especially if she is our world - and that 's a real nasty pain.
Even worse when you have a child and things go wrong. With love it only takes one to back out of the 'contract' and there is nothing you can do to win her back.
But, your child is a different matter. I mean, if you walked away you'd always regret it. If you tried for some visitation and lost it - you'd regret it but could at least know you tried to make things right.
In this day and age - kids look online to find fathers when they get to a certain age. At least in future you'd be able to say her mother stopped you from visiting. And is this really too much hard work? After all you will just give details to some legal worker and your actual time spent in court will be fairly brief considering the importance of the matter.
The main thing Dave is how you feel right now. You've had these suicide attempts and its brave of you to admit that. Many here have been through that also - but life does go on and you can often look back and see a train-wreck of a life when your feeling better.
Maybe your depressed - I mean, not for nothing, but hanging yourself generally qualifies. Not sure if you have tried to help yourself in seeking any help or whether your the sort of chap who keeps his own counsel on these matters. You should talk to someone - keeping this in is NO GOOD.
Maybe meds would help you. Many seem to help in the thought process when it becomes like a CD on repeat playing the same old sad song over and over.
Anyhow if you've not had any help then you've been a marvel for taking this on your own - but you do need help and carrying on with this load on the shoulder will drag you down in the end. It always does!
You need to get your life in a little order, maybe you will be able to arrange some visits in a few weeks months when you feel up to it. Get some help though - its what the NHS is there for and people struggled like hell to give us the chance of combating the horrible effects depression brings us. Worse is the apathy which sets in - I guess we've all been there and hate ourselves at that point. Depression or not, maybe we all need to stand up a little for ourselves, and to do this might take meds, counselling and other things such as exercise and education and hopefully some love.
Who is to say you don't meet another woman more suited to you and you to her. Maybe your ex might meet someone and that can mellow her out a little. You might be feeling WAY better in a short while and be able to phone the ex up and convince her to let bygones be bygones and to allow you the duty of being a father albeit with her permission.
Things can change, depression just makes us think of the worse, which is why its such a debilitating condition, and one we really need to watch out for and be on guard against.
I carried this sh** alone for thirty years - but I was lucky in that I've always been able to see the good in people and always had passions, outside of romance and relationships which made me glad to spend a day doing what I'm doing.
But even so depression has held me back - it does that and even if you can handle it without actually having some suicide plan or attempts it just means your energy is diverted towards a regular battle of the 'wits'.
I've never taken meds, ever, maybe this is unfair on others as well as myself. Living for yourself is not really something that drives me - I guess when you connect with others there is less chance you'll be trying to kill yourself.
I guess its good to be able help others as that in itself becomes a reason for sticking around. Just bear in mind that depression often saps that good intent and leaves us unable to help ourselves, let alone others.
I guess the people who do overcome depression are the ones who realise they have it and who take steps to overcome it by asking others for advice.
Many men go down a path of pretending all is well. You could see a man walking to jump off a cliff edge, ask how he was doing and he would answer "Pretty OK, how are you doing yourself?"
We keep it all in sometimes - so don't fall for that trap of thinking that men should always just 'deal' with depression. Nobody would deal with third degree burns ny themselves - likewise with depression, you really ought to get some help and that all starts with a trip to the GP, maybe a worried night beforehand, and confessing to depression.
That's a start. Could be the best thing you ever done.
Anyhow, you got time to get visitation issues settled and time to get yourself well again and back into the fray of life at some point. Could take a while but if your in the UK you can help with benefits and housing, Mate who divorced just got a new flat off the council and his children, now grown up, are there all the time as he had medical issues.
For now, forget that and get yourself on the first step to recovery.
My best wishes and sincere good wishes, prayers also, in any religious form because I'm not claiming a monopoly on God!
Things will get better - and you got us her for advice and so on.
You will bounce back - but its often not a hurried bounce back and people always take time to move from feeling like dying to feeling like waking up in the morning is not so bad after all.
Keep the faith brother. One day you'll be here to help others get back on track I'm sure!
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