I find with each day I am becomming more anxious and scared. I feel like I am falling apart and I can't seem to stop it. I went back to SI this morning and I had not done that in such a long time. I have no idea what I thought that would solve. I try so hard not to cry and in doing so that may have made me worse. I find myself on another site that is harmful looking for the best advice in how to go. I shouldn't be there but I can't help it. How can a person want to live so much and want to die so much at the same time? It makes no sense to me. I tried to reach out last week to therapists and clergy but I did not find it helpful. I think I am just past reasoning on this subject. I wish I could run away somewhere and hide but I don't know where. I know I am a time bomb right now but I can't figure out how to stop the clock.