Hello there, This may end up being a long post, and i've been through the song and dance before. But I guess the fact that i'm writing this, says I still have a little hope, yeah? (Maybe i'm just imagining it.) I don't even know where to begin, i've been on a steady decline for the last 15 hours. Fighting myself not to just end it all, but for what? I know a lot of people say they have no one in their lives. But what do you do in a situation where it's true? I do not have one person I could call, if my life depended on it. My family has disowned me a long time ago, I had made some attempts to re-connect, but they were not successful. I was raised in an abusive background, and homeschooled on top of that. So I spent my childhood watching the world through a window. I did not start interacting with people outside of that prison till I was in my mid teens. I have always been in a dark place, since I was born. But some part of me had always fought it, even when I was screaming for that strength to just let me go already. I kept up the hopes that maybe people care, and it's not so cruel past that window pane. But i'm going on 24 now. And no matter how much i've done for others, or how many countless times i've tried. It has made no difference. The world always ends up walking away. So how do I keep fighting that? I've always craved companionship, even if it's just a conversation; since I did not have it growing up. I spent my childhood cut off from the world. But soon as I got out in it, it wasn't any better. I went through a 3 year period of self abuse. Trying to kill myself the slow way. After somehow making it out alive after that, I made it a point to keep trying. Which brought me to some better places for a short time. I gave too much in relationships, and ended up in a financially stressed situation. I'm now working two jobs, with very little sleep trying to stay above water financially. I recently put myself out there to try and meet some new people, but soon as they found out I was just a nobody working two crap jobs, they declined to talk to me again. I didn't think people still did that, you know? I didn't think that bothered me. But when I sat here alone after work, just waiting to go back to work again, the single that of being entirely alone; rips my soul apart. When things got really bad again, at the start of this year. I was on high suicide watch for 35 days straight. I'm falling back to that once again. I need to be needed. It's very simple. I don't need or want anything else from this life but to be needed. People say to find something distracting or hobbies, I've tried everything. Games, movies, music, being outside. I have two dogs, and plenty of animals to go along with it. Nothing helps anymore, it use to when I was younger, but I can't find a single thing to help me cope with being so alone in every possible way. I've spent many nights on suicide help lines, but when you realize it's all foreign people with scripted lines, and no real desire to help. You feel just that much more worthless to humanity. When did people become so replaceable? It's sad that we have so many individuals that are crying out for help, and no one is willing to stop and give them a hand. I have spent my life fighting to survive since I was born, and yes i'm still here. But it's getting so hard, i'm slowly winning over the strength that keeps me from suicide. So i'm sure one of these days, i'll be victorious. Either way, I can't fit my entire life story into one post. But you have the basics of it. I don't know what i'm expecting from anyone at this point. A pat on the back or the usual lines "life gets better" is usually all anyone's willing to throw at ya, but that can all be argued. I'd be happy if someone would just like to chat about the weather or animals, or whatever else.