How Do You Keep Going When There's Nothing Left?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Damon Wolf, Sep 24, 2016.

  1. Damon Wolf

    Damon Wolf Member

    Hello there,

    This may end up being a long post, and i've been through the song and dance before. But I guess the fact that i'm writing this, says I still have a little hope, yeah? (Maybe i'm just imagining it.)

    I don't even know where to begin, i've been on a steady decline for the last 15 hours. Fighting myself not to just end it all, but for what? I know a lot of people say they have no one in their lives. But what do you do in a situation where it's true? I do not have one person I could call, if my life depended on it. My family has disowned me a long time ago, I had made some attempts to re-connect, but they were not successful. I was raised in an abusive background, and homeschooled on top of that. So I spent my childhood watching the world through a window. I did not start interacting with people outside of that prison till I was in my mid teens. I have always been in a dark place, since I was born. But some part of me had always fought it, even when I was screaming for that strength to just let me go already. I kept up the hopes that maybe people care, and it's not so cruel past that window pane. But i'm going on 24 now. And no matter how much i've done for others, or how many countless times i've tried. It has made no difference. The world always ends up walking away. So how do I keep fighting that? I've always craved companionship, even if it's just a conversation; since I did not have it growing up. I spent my childhood cut off from the world. But soon as I got out in it, it wasn't any better.

    I went through a 3 year period of self abuse. Trying to kill myself the slow way. After somehow making it out alive after that, I made it a point to keep trying. Which brought me to some better places for a short time. I gave too much in relationships, and ended up in a financially stressed situation. I'm now working two jobs, with very little sleep trying to stay above water financially.

    I recently put myself out there to try and meet some new people, but soon as they found out I was just a nobody working two crap jobs, they declined to talk to me again. I didn't think people still did that, you know? I didn't think that bothered me. But when I sat here alone after work, just waiting to go back to work again, the single that of being entirely alone; rips my soul apart.

    When things got really bad again, at the start of this year. I was on high suicide watch for 35 days straight. I'm falling back to that once again. I need to be needed. It's very simple. I don't need or want anything else from this life but to be needed.

    People say to find something distracting or hobbies, I've tried everything. Games, movies, music, being outside. I have two dogs, and plenty of animals to go along with it. Nothing helps anymore, it use to when I was younger, but I can't find a single thing to help me cope with being so alone in every possible way.

    I've spent many nights on suicide help lines, but when you realize it's all foreign people with scripted lines, and no real desire to help. You feel just that much more worthless to humanity. When did people become so replaceable? It's sad that we have so many individuals that are crying out for help, and no one is willing to stop and give them a hand.

    I have spent my life fighting to survive since I was born, and yes i'm still here. But it's getting so hard, i'm slowly winning over the strength that keeps me from suicide. So i'm sure one of these days, i'll be victorious.

    Either way, I can't fit my entire life story into one post. But you have the basics of it. I don't know what i'm expecting from anyone at this point. A pat on the back or the usual lines "life gets better" is usually all anyone's willing to throw at ya, but that can all be argued.

    I'd be happy if someone would just like to chat about the weather or animals, or whatever else.
    JulieDegraw likes this.
  2. chezza

    chezza New Member

    Hi Damon.....I am a new member on here, i found it by accident looking for ways to kill myself without pain!!! i know what u mean about the pat on the back or 'get a grip' it doesn't all. if i knew what does help though....i wouldn't be on here. it does sort of help to know i am not the only person feeling so low.
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I feel bad for you that even your two dogs don't give you enough to fight for...that's all I had at my worst when I was in my 20's, 30's and early 40's, my two pugs. I lived for them. I have no friends and family, but I chose that because I personally feel that humanity is a disease (for the most part) and that most people are inherently selfish, impatient and too interested in instant gratification for my liking. I also crave human interaction, oddly enough, at times, but I guess for me I don't need as much as most people do. I have one email friend and really, the only reason I'm still friends with her is because there is no need for forced socialization. I do have a boyfriend who lives with me and we have 6 pets so I guess I do have it better than most people since I don't need much more than him and our fur family. But for 20 years I was alone and celibate so I can relate to how you feel. I never thought I'd ever find anyone but at age 45 I did. I gave up a few times along the way, but for me, I found my happiness mostly in solitude. Even in my relationship, I crave being alone for most of the day. When I feel like "talking", I come here and it satisfies my need. I'm sorry you can't find what you need, though I think that posting here will help a lot. Hugs. xx
    Thauoy likes this.
  4. Damon Wolf

    Damon Wolf Member

    Well, I'm not sure why I posted as I said. Small attempt to let people know I need a lifeline right now. That small bit of hope hasn't seemed to dull, just yet. I'm glad you were able to find ways to hang on, till something good finally came along in your life. It's makes it hard to reach out sometimes, most people even if friends or a partner; have all backed away when i'd attempt such. So I don't know what to hang onto anymore. I originally got my two pups, during another bad suicidal streak. They helped for a bit, but I guess I need more than that to give me a reason to fight.
  5. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    You can post whatever you feel like getting off your chest! This forum is a good lifeline. I came here when I was exasperated and at my end and just "talking" online like this helped me immensely. I'm glad you have a wee bit of hope still...and another thing I learned, I will only truly and honestly open up to objective parties. Back in the day when I tried to ask friends for support, all I got was a cold shoulder or a "just snap out of it" and all that. I stopped talking to people I knew about my depression, only to therapists and anonymous people like the ones here. Do you have any dreams? Not relating to people I mean? thing keeping me on track right now is that I'm hoping in about 2 years to be completely out of debt so I can apply for a mortgage to buy a little cabin in the woods to become self-sufficient. I've been working on my debt for 9 years now and it gets so depressing at times to feel like I'm so poor. But the thought of being in the woods, away from people is making my current financial crisis just more bearable. What can you work towards?
    ramtha33 likes this.
  6. Damon Wolf

    Damon Wolf Member

    I had dreams over the years, but they've withered away over time honestly. I just don't think I was built to be a solitary creature. I've done the best I can/could with that fact, but even my small ideas of a "dream" seem very lonely. I'm in debt right now from my last relationship. Ideally i'd like to get a house, but I need to get the debt paid down. I'd probably have way too many dogs if I owned a house though, ha..

    While that can be contributed as a "good" thing to fight for, at the same time. I ask myself do I want to end up sitting alone in a house just with more dogs? How will it really further my happiness in life. I'll still be alone. So where there's ideas of happier times, I can also find so many negatives with it. I've spent many days this month as is, trying to keep it together at my back-to-back jobs. Everyone at work knows me to be someone so much different than I am. I thankfully work in a somewhat low confrontational setting, so I'm not around people much. Which makes it easier to mask any tears. I have had moments where I needed to step outside and try to pull myself together. But even if I get through my long day of work, I come home and it all comes crashing down on me again.

    I have so much more going on then just the debt and my lack of life. But I seem to have run out of coping methods. I took the liberty of finding suicide support groups, that meet in person. But around here it's once a month type of thing. So I don't even have anyone in person I can go talk to right now. That just hurts, knowing you can't even look for embrace from anyone. Someone should have a system set up for this.. I imagine i'm not the only one who's been here in life.
  7. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    No such thing as too many dogs ;) But yeah...we have three right now and it's very hairy around here...and we're renting if the landlord found out, I don't think he'd be happy, but we just cannot go to a shelter without bringing a dog or cat home...we've abstained for now to save more money though. Being in debt SUCKS...but you know, partly it's my own fault, partly it was due to losing my job from burning out in 2003...I feel like I've only really started to recover from that financially the last few years, though there is still a lot to pay back. I keep looking at real estate listings, redoing my budget and my repayment plans, spending time looking at "frugal" websites...I have to keep going or else I'll just give up and things will never change.

    I can only speak for where I live, but the system is NOT set up for people in need like us. It's still such a taboo to mention mental illness and suicide. I'm sorry you don't have the support you need.

    I personally have no clue how to look for friends. I've been given the advice to look where you want to meet the people you will like. I guess that means to go out and find them, but where? When I felt the need for friends, I took once-a-week painting classes, went to a gym, even went back to University...but I found that people are just so self-involved these days. Maybe you need to move to a different area. When I left the city, I found people slightly more friendly. But like I said, I'm one to be alone anyway.

    Many people aren't into this, but I found my bf through online dating. Before him, I met and dated dozens of men. They didn't work out very well for the most part, either I didn't like them or they didn't like me...but I had to keep going. Have you ever considered that?
  8. Damon Wolf

    Damon Wolf Member

    I have been around the online dating thing, but it never worked out very well. I have come to accept I am more than likely a hard person to love. After my last relationship, I don't know if I should even risk it again. We had been dating for close to 6 months, and I put all my cards on the table "before" we started dating, so she would know that hey this isn't going to be easy, i'll need support. Things were great for awhile, but once she got her job she just seemed to start caring less and less. Then she went off grid and ignored me for several days, which I had her promise she'd never do. I'm fine if someone needs space, but you need to let me know and at least check in now and then, because abandonment is a bad issue with me.

    After that point I forgave the things that went down, but she just felt more distance again. She fought with me more, ignored me more. I had asked her to come to a doctors appointment with me, because I get anxiety in hospitals. She insisted there was no way she could skip work. Shortly after getting over the fact that I went alone, she skipped work to go to a party. I realized at that point, that things weren't going to work. I loved her more than words can describe, so it wasn't easy for me to break off. But she made no arguments when I told her. So I guess she figured out as well, that it wasn't what she really wanted. Being with me. It's easy to be told, you will need support; but harder for someone to quite grasp what that means. Till it happens, then they change their mind on it.

    So love is not something I'm expecting to find anytime soon. I don't know that I could move, I don't have the money to do so; or another job lined up. I've tried to go out and meet new people, but i'm the guy that just sits at the bar or a table trying not to cry into his glass of pepsi, so I just end up looking very miserable to others i'm sure. Who'd want to approach that? Ha.
  9. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    I have no friends and am constantly alone. I understand how you feel. One thing that kept me alive since 1995 is that my father asked me to take care of his dogs 2 weeks before he passed away. So since then, I've made my 3 dogs a priority. Kana, nallah and pups are my responsibility / family and there was no way I would leave them by themselves to die. I lost pups this past April and he was 16.

    They were not just dogs, they are family. It wasn't easy, full of challenges. You might meet a caring mental health professional if you ask for help.
    shania and Frances M like this.
  10. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I understand all you're saying. It's hard to find a person who is willing to be as supportive as some of us need. I was very upfront when I started dating, but I was further along in my recovery than you are. I just wanted potential bf's to know that I did have depression and anxiety, that it was manageable, but that sometimes I might have bad days and what I needed the most was understanding and support, not impatience and someone trying to "fix" me. That scared 75% of the guys away, but that is a good thing because it saved me from getting hurt by them. I did a lot of work on myself before I dated though, because as you feel, I felt that nobody would want to approach or even be with the old me. I kind of made it my mission to get better so that I could succeed at a relationship. It takes a lot of energy and motivation, but when I hit 40, I realized if I didn't do all I could to make things better, I'd be alone forever and I really didn't want that. Friends I can do without, but intimacy and affection is something I wanted in my life.

    I'm sorry about your ex. I find that when you start dating, most people will say anything, even things they don't mean. Like, a few guys I dated said they understood about anxiety and panic attacks, but they were just saying that to make themselves look more noble or something. You're right that those who haven't gone through it don't grasp it.
    electricalanomaly likes this.
  11. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Member

    When ppl tell you that life gets better it's because they haven't a clue what to say and haven't been in your situation. I haven't either so i can't possibly understand but i can acknowledge it.

    I won't tell you that life gets better because i don't know and that's OK.

    your post really touched me and i want to reach out to you. So what if you work crummy jobs, i don't care and you're definitely not a nobody!

    I want to talk to you. I don't have all the answers and i can't guarantee I'll make you feel better but I'm willing to try.

  12. HereToHelp

    HereToHelp Member

    We all want to be needed and you must realize one thing: finding the right person is very difficult, probably the most difficult thing in this world so don't be too hard on yourself!
    Don't worry abut finding someone tomorrow or this week-end it will happened you just need a little more time.
    You should take some moment out and really forget these ideas, they are just wrong but you don't realize it.
    By the can you think such things when you are 23??? No really you don't realize how young you are! I wish I was your age :)
    You have nothing to worry about, be strong and believe in yourself!
    And if you think these phrases are just to cheer you up, you are wrong, this is the reality that at the moment you cannot see because all your energies are directed to fighting these thoughts, the moment you will use all this incredible energy for other purposes you will realize how things really change prospective.
  13. Damon Wolf

    Damon Wolf Member

    My apologies for the slow reply, I was MIA from the site for a bit. I should be back on here fairly often now though, not that it's a good thing. When i'm here it's usually because I'm too close to the edge of it all, and i'm trying to keep myself from stepping over. Feel free to message me though. I appreciate the support.
    JulieDegraw likes this.
  14. troubledmind

    troubledmind Active Member

    Hey Damon, Sorry to hear how you have been burned in your relationships.. I've been there myself several times. Every relationship I have been in has cheated on me because I am to easy going.. I always give full trust to my other half until they burn me.. My last fiance I bent over backwards for.. I bought us both ne vehicles, a house, We had a fairly nice nestegg building up and when I switched jobs I closed out my 401k and put $18,000 more into it.. not much later my fiance started staying out all night then for a week then pretty much full time.. I found out she took all our money out of the bank and put it in a new account.. She was doing all kinds of cocaine.. Since then it has been 18 years since we split up an I have refused to get into another relationship.. I have no friends and I live with both my sisters.. Thats a whole nother story..I stay locked away in my bedroom and don't talk to any one except on here..If you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me..
  15. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Member

    Hey Damon. You have nothing to be sorry about. I have actually been thinking about you since i wrote to you. I found your post a little late so i wasn't sure how things were. I'm really happy to find your reply. I wish i had gone on a bit sooner today but i am not feeling well atm and have been sleeping a lot. I have a cold. Please continue to write :)
  16. Damon Wolf

    Damon Wolf Member

    I'm sorry you too have taken damage from relationships. I had helped one of my ex's get a college loan as she had not made much out of her life and I wanted to help her succeed with that, but while she said she just needed me to personally "loan" her the money till she got financing, I suppose I was stupid in that regard. Put over 10k of my own money down for her, and she ended up getting a good job and left me without much thought as to the money. It put me in a really bad financial pickle so to say, I lost my apartment, my car, and most of what I had worked for in life up till that point because I was counting on getting the money back shortly after giving it to her. Wasn't easy to start from scratch again, and i'm still not back to where I was in that regard. I don't understand it really, people say you get back what you put into a relationship. So many people give everything humanly possible, to see their partner succeed, smile, and live the best life they can give them; why do we end up here in the end? I would normally just give 100% of my trust to someone, because that's just who I am. I don't go into it thinking i'll get badly hurt or taken advantage of so to say, as that would be a negative outlook everytime. But my trust has definitely changed since my last ex. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back in so many words. I find it hard to trust at all, regardless of who.
  17. Damon Wolf

    Damon Wolf Member

    I am online here at odd hours usually, I'm generally working most the day; but I don't sleep a whole lot. So those are the hours i'm on here most. Hope you feel better soon though, I know colds can suck. When I get them I usually get hit hard, and they'll last for a month+. But they may also be due to my lack of sleep and food intake at times.
  18. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    @Damon Wolf,

    There are some good people out there in the world, good people you will eventually meet and enjoy, and who will enjoy you.

    For the moment, it's hard for you to discover that, because you're working all the time and have so little time to socialize. And at work, you wear a mask, which increases your sense of alienation.

    I'm sure I was as lonely as you are when I was your age. It seemed to me that people either looked straight through me or looked away in disappointment. I felt pathetic and worthless. It was all the more painful because I was working in highly social jobs alongside a few coworkers who were like the Pied Piper--the whole office wanted to be their friends.

    Looking back, I see now how tense and frightened and self-hating I was. I no doubt made other people feel tense, so of course they avoided me.

    The friends I did make were as miserable as I was, if not more so. We had traumatic histories in common, but we sure didn't have much fun. I'd been through so much by then, I couldn't relate to "fun," and nor could they. Those friendships could have helped me if the people had been focused on recovering, but they were not, so they just kept me down.

    Fast forward a bunch of years. I forced myself to take on various volunteer roles that would get me around people. I went through some real struggles doing it. At the beginning, I often imagined people judging me or disliking me or simply overlooking me. (And sometimes I found that wasn't in my imagination.) So I focused on the work I'd committed to do, and less on the people. Over time the social environment got easier. As I began to relax, the environment started to feel friendly. That relaxed me more, and it got friendlier. I began to realize that all of the adults in the group had had walls up and that all of us were slow to trust one another and like one another. But in the end, some good connections happened.

    I'm much more at ease in my own skin now than I once was. I'm no social butterfly even now, but it no longer troubles me to do things on my own. I rarely feel like a pariah anymore. When I do participate in something social--even if it's just an evening of music at the local coffee house--I find that people are quite a bit more likely to approach me than they ever used to be. The funny thing is, I'm relaxed enough now that it doesn't bother me one way or the other. If a new acquaintance appears, great. If not, that's fine, too. That's the very attitude that is making things easier, I think. The more relaxed I can be, the more relaxed a prospective friend can be.

    I'll tell you one thing. There are many more people who feel the way you do than you would ever imagine. Many of the people you think are ignoring you are in fact wondering what's wrong with them that you never spoke to them.

    Loneliness isn't rare in our society. Even people who seem to have lots of friends may be deeply lonely, if they're just operating behind a facade.

    It's easier to socialize if you realize that someone else may be desperately hoping to hear from *you.*

    As for the "your job title = your worth" rubbish, don't torture yourself with that nonsense. Sure, some people think that way (especially 20-somethings), but they'll change their tune, believe me, the minute they get laid off and can't get work or have to work some minimum wage job to survive.

    You're worth something because you are alive, and because you have the capacity to do some good in this world.

    Offer what you can to others, and sooner or later, some of them will offer something back. Even if it takes a while.