how do you keep going?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostinca, Sep 18, 2012.

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  1. lostinca

    lostinca Well-Known Member

    How do you keep going when it seems like every decision you make is worse than the last and every single thing is pushing you closer and closer to the end?
    My life is so messed up I am not even sure where to begin. I was laid off from my job, the only job I can get doesn't even give me enough money to live, every month I am losing something. Yes I know it's just money and what does it really matter in the long run. I am technically homeless I live with my abusive ex (we were together from 19-23 and just got back together 4 months ago). Every week he makes sure I am well aware of how much I am not wanted and he kicks me out, then the next day he wonders why I do not trust him. I do not have anywhere to go, the house I was living in was foreclosed on and my parents have sold all of the appliances, even after knowing my current situation of my home life. Even if I could go back there the water and power have been shut off for non payment. My parents are not a option they live with my sister who told me a couple of years ago that I should do the world a favor and kill myself and not screw it up this time (I had a couple of suicide attempts in my teens). My best friend and her husband do not get along and are almost getting a divorce so that isn't a option, and other friends? Well my boyfriend has made sure to isolate my and remove any contact with anyone that would have helped me.
    I just feel so stuck I do not know what to do or even how to attempt to fix things. I spent all of last night thinking Jason has 2 guns here how hard is it to just shoot myself, what's the best angle to make sure I actually do it right this time? My luck I will mess that up and end up a vegetable.
    Why haven't I just done it? I could easily pretend like I am packing up my things take a backpack, the gun and just drive somewhere and shoot myself. That would honestly be the best option for me I can't fix things this time, I have done too many wrong things.
    I don't know why I am rambling or what it even matters, I guess I am just reverting back to my "ooh feel sorry for me" and playing the victim role. Maybe I am doing this as some sort of letter that can be traced back if anyone cares enough to look, which I am sure won't happen. I am a failure.
    Thank you for listening and reading this I am sorry for rambling.
  2. normaljoe

    normaljoe Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear about your situation. confirming to yourself that suicide is the best option will only make it worse. there are always other options. keep looking for jobs. keep fighting. try looking for shelters or community outreach programs, anything. suicide is never an option. you are stronger than you think. there is no "playing a victim role" when you actually are a victim. you are not begging for sympathy you are asking for support and we are hear to give you support. its not easy or a good idea to move back to an abusive relationship but that is what happened and your only goal now is to walk away from it it one more time and live the life you always wanted.
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Do whatever you can to get out of the current living situation as fast as you can. That toxic presence is a terrible environment to be in for you right now, and so finding any sort of employment opportunities that might allow you to move into a house with an open room for rent, or sharing a place with multiple roommates might be much better (and easier) than it sounds. I know it sounds impossible, especially with all the negative feedback you're currently getting, but believe me, it isn't. And you can do anything you motivate your mind to! Just get away from the primary source of your pain--even temporarily while you sort things out--& you'll begin to see some improvement and feel better. I guarantee it! Yes, I know it seems hard, but it's probably a lot easier than what you're dealing with on a daily basis now, struggle-wise. Best Wishes.:)
  4. lostinca

    lostinca Well-Known Member

    Great and to top it off I was fired from my crappy job today and my parents car was repossesed. Can I get a break please??
  5. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    So very sorry to learn all this, Steph. Your problems are so immediate--makes me wonder what I'm bitching about. I think if anyone deserves a break in life right about now it's you. I honestly believe--though of course I don't know you--that the very next thing that happens in your life will be good. Don't know why, just do:)
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