How Do You Know Enough is Enough?

[reflections]

First off I would like to say sorry for the following note if any word is miss spelled and or out of place. I have a learning disability, the foundation of my failures.

I have never posted nor been part of any of these forums regarding suicide before, but my life has taken a turn that I don't think I will ever recover from.

Born into a bi-racial family as the only son with two older sisters I was out of place to start with. The white side of my family does not accept me; my father’s abuse started with throwing metal door handles at me and hit a high when he called me a "lazy ******". The continued reaffirmation of my failures by my family would be the center of any diner conversation led by my sister. I tried to kill my self in 8th grade when my best friend's mother told him that he could not play with a black kid along with my teacher's dislike of my relationship with a white girl based on race. Which he told all my classmates in a "classroom chat".

Due to a learning disability my failures academically where the high note of my high school/college life. Continued public humiliation by my teachers and later my professors was the right medicine I needed to get back the right track.....

I have been fired from every job that I have gotten based on my inability to "work as a team" or "keep my feelings under control" or because of my learning disability. Which has led me to the same abuse of home from which I vowed I would never come back too. Now I can't find a job to save my life and to make that pressure hit a high... I am 25k in the hole due to my need to go out and drink, blow and fuck my depression away.

As for relationships, I have never been a healthy partner to have. My first girl friend cheated on me, I dumped her to which she pretending to be pregnant at age 16... later I would fall deeply in love in college to have the same thing happen. I will not touch my last girlfriend... she was the one... I know that now. I fucked that up by drinking and blowing enough coke to kill a small horse to get the thoughts of my failures out of my head... or was it the continued thought of how I was a lazy ******... or just that I was a ******.... I would later roam the streets of DC calling myself a lazy ******... I even tried to start a fight with a cop telling him to "lock my ****** ass up"... now to all my friends, who are white btw this was something they could not touch.. If you have not guessed i have always been the only bi-racial kid in EVERY situation.... school, work, etc....

So I thought moving away from DC would be the a fresh start.......More coke , drinking, fighting with friends, getting sexually harassed by a senior level executive in the company I worked for, not getting the promotion 3 times while younger, less qualified people where moving up fast, not be able to sleep for days, losing friends cause of my drinking and drug use and meaningless sex with random woman and hookers in the mix you have my life until now.

Ever since that first attempt on my own life, I have been thinking about it and now that I have nothing but the shirt on my back I think its time.... I need to know a) am I the only person that has been through shit like this? b) is my story one that echo's everyone’s life?

Thank you for reading this long post. I know that some people will tell me to gtfo based on my race, but for just this once in my life please see me as a human being and let me know when is enough is enough....

 

[Robin]

Sometimes I base the value of my life on what others have (not what they have achieved) and what I have not, not everyone is the same, I understand this but for me my goal is to realise that so long as I have compassion in my heart I will never fail. While you are on your self destructive trip to forget yourself you also blind yourself to the compassion you have to offer others, the only problem you face is whether compassion is important to you and do you feel strongly enough to give it without reward?

It's not an answer to salvation or the end of pain but at some point we have to realise as a race that we need to support others with the skills we do not possess so that we can move ahead, for some of us who have nothing the greatest gift we can offer is a shoulder and a kind word and in doing so we put ahead the love of others before the hate we boil ourselves in. Sometimes it's enough to keep going

 

[reflections]

thank you for your note.... it seems that ever since my forced sobriety i can't stop crying unable to sleep, thinking about all my failures and wanting to end it.

I have nothing left...my pride, my word, my dignity, my loved ones, my friends.... whats THE POINT if this pain i feel will never stop eating me up.

 

[Robin]

Two o f the most important things in life are free, breathe and compassion, we always take the first for granted, we don't always acknowledge the second. When used together they are very unlikely to take away your pain but they will help you find balance, stripped to their cores they are tools to help us cope, little more, they are also the basics to help us flourish.

 

[Starlite]

thank you for your note.... it seems that ever since my forced sobriety i can't stop crying unable to sleep, thinking about all my failures and wanting to end it.

I have nothing left...my pride, my word, my dignity, my loved ones, my friends.... whats THE POINT if this pain i feel will never stop eating me up.

I don't know if this will help you much, but have you tried focusing on some of your good points/qualities? I know for me, I have to focus on my good qualities or the bad stuff in life will keep knocking me back a few steps.

 

[mdmefontaine]

hi.....when i read your post, i see and feel so MUCH pain... and so much self-hatred.

but...have you realized that you did a HUGE and positive thing by reaching out here? my friend you are so SO harsh on yourSELF, treating yourself, like you were always treated.

i wish you could treat yourSELF kindly, gently, and with compassion. you are deserving of being treated in these ways and let me add another, with RESPECT.

each of us can choose to begin again. '''nothing is over'''. you deserve beauty in your life - NOT the 'ugly' you are surrounded by. start treating yourself with great LOVE today - just a small step - and make a decision you won't let anyone ever treat you badly again, and you won't treat yourSELF badly again.

and. you won't be judged here, for race, nor for anything else. . . . :hug:

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Reflections,
Unfortunately there are still narrow minded people when it comes to race. My brother is that way, he uses the N word all the time and it pisses me off to no end. My grandaughter is biracial and she is one intelligent, beautifull, and spirited little kids I know.
She knows she is different but doesn't let it bother her. She says if someone doesn't like her then it's there problem. She's right because she has a big heart and cares about people.
You need to step back and learn to love yourself. People tend to pick up on negative thoughts, and will avoid you because of it. Here at the forum you will find that race doesn't matter to most of us. You are very welcome here and I hope you find your innerself here. Take care!!~Joseph~