How do you know if you are homosexual/bisexual?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ~Heather~, Nov 29, 2010.

  1. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    I've been curious for a while I figured this would be the right place to ask. I've never had any real experiences with women but I have a strong desire to. I'm not sure if this is just a type of experimentation or if I may be bisexual.

    I do know I've had feelings for a girl emotionally as well as physically.

    So what do you guys think defines bisexuality?
    Do you think I have to try to really know what's going on?

    And part of my issue is being in a relationship with a guy I would feel that being physical with someone else would be cheating with or without permission.

    I just want to know some thoughts on this.
    I'm sorry if anyone gets offended I don't know who else to talk to :sad:
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I think it's a lot more complicated than simple labels. That's an interesting result of a poll of self-described STRAIGHT women...

    I personally vary between bisexual and heterosexual fantasies depending on my bipolar cycling. I would have sex with another guy at least to try it if I weren't paranoid about AIDS.
  3. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I would think that if you feel sexual attraction to both sexes; you could very well be bisexual.
    Labels aren't important- I will warn you though... if you suggest to your (male) partner that you want to try with a female partner; it could either be a lovely one time trial or become something that could destroy your relationship.
    Some guys would be cool with it-- some would say it's okay, but are lying and it would tear them up inside.

    So, just be careful.
  4. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    This is why I've been holding off on it. My boyfriend said it's ok, but when i press him further he seems uncomfortable with the idea. So I guess unless he proves he truly doesn't mind then I won't make any moves.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I think if you like both guys and gals then you're a bisexual.
  6. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    It took me years to come to terms with my sexuality. I am a woman, and I told myself for years that I was heterosexual, I was just curious about doing things with women, about experimenting. Only after lots of long thought on the subject, as well as feeling strong feelings for women, have I accepted that I am bisexual. My ex stifled that in me - I think it's why it took me so long to accept it. He always spoke of me being sexual with women as something I would do as a show, to turn him on, rather than as a fulfilling, emotional connection between two people. My current boyfriend helped me to really realize who I am, and I feel so much more free. It's true, labels aren't the most important thing, but it can help to be able to lean towards one.

    On another note, yes I identify as bisexual based on my emotions and desires, not on my experiences. I have never been with a woman in any way. Some would say that I can't be bisexual if I have never done anything with a woman, but I think that's silly. My actions don't define me. I want to experience a connection with a woman, but I too am in a heterosexual relationship right now. Oddly, he seems to understand my need to fulfill myself, and is cheering for me to actively seek a woman. Little things like that make me realize just how wonderful a person my boyfriend is to me.

    Anyway, I got distracted. What I mean is you have to apply a lot of thought to your own sexuality. What makes you feel good, what do you wish you could try, who do you have strong emotional feelings for? In time, you will realize who you are. And believe me, when you have made that realization, it's like a heavy weight has been lifted from your mind.
  7. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    Thank you that was very helpful :)

    I used to have feelings for one girl in particular but that was one huge disaster. And there have been a few others that were brief crushes but nothing ever came from it. I was suppressed by my step father and now even though I'm away from him I still question myself. It gets pretty confusing -_-

    Thanks to all of you. It looks like I should do some thinking to know where I stand.
  8. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    I think having physical feelings for someone of the same sex doesn't make you bisexual as much as it does bicurious, but as you said you seek an emotional bond with the same sex, personally I'd start to think maybe it was something closer to bisexual. I'm not saying you have to experience it to know it, but that said, you could have a relationship with a woman one day and realise it's just not for you, in which case you'll find you're hetrosexual. But as it has been said, I don't think your actions define you and it is completely possible you might be bisexual. If I'm honest, it does sort of sound that way to me, but only you can know, yourself, whether you are or not. You're wise to think on this, don't let anybody pressure you into thinking you're one of the other, or you'll never know. I hope you can find yourself soon :)
  9. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Hi Heather
    I know how you feel it can be quite confusing and it doesn't matter what age you are either as I have recently found out. Thought it may help you if I tell you how it has been for me.
    Since I was about 5 years old (34 now) I knew I had feelings towards both sexes, obviously not sexual ones until later but I saw boys and girls as the same and was shy around both but both could make me blush when I reached puberty. When I started to learn about sex I understood it was 'normal' for a boy to like a girl and vice versa (hadn't yet learnt about same sex attraction) and started to think some boys were cute. Physically though I thought womens bodies were much more attractive and I was more intrigued about them. I used to read preteen mags and it said curiosity about other girls was normal and part of growing up etc but when I reached 13 I realised I actually fancied them too, not just their bodies but faces and how they acted, same as with the boys I liked so I quickly realised I was bi but still didn't know much about it and was very shy anyway with everyone. It is right what you said about not having to have had any experience to know what you feel, a hetero virgin at 25 (or any age) still knows they are straight even though they have not had sex yet, same for gay people. Most gay guys and girls I know say they knew since they were born same as straight people but this is not the case for everyone. A friend of mine convinced himself he was straight to fit in intil he was 25 and got mad if anyone said otherwise, then decided he was bi, then a few years later came out as gay to everyone. He told me he had always known deep down but due to his upbringing couldn't even admit it to himself so there are no set rules.

    So I then had a few boyfriends from 13 to 18 (sexual abuse included!) and gradually my intrigue in girls increased. I started wondering if I was just with guys out of habit and they were the ones showing interest, since I didn't go to gay bars had no contact with bi girls or lesbians. So I started going to some gay bars and clubs and had a few flings and was surprised how much more I liked kissing girls (no stubble haha and much more gentle which was good as I had a problem with male aggression)also much more sensual. First few girls were bi and even had boyfriends who didn't mind, I then met a guy who I was with for 4 years, he said he had no problem if I wanted to be with a girl so occasionally I would have a fling.

    I still saw myself as bi until over the last few years I have simply been more attracted to girls and less and less guys until it got to the point that about a year ago it was only girls (apart from 2 cute famous guys but they do look like girls haha!), so now I class myself as a lesbian. It wasn't a choice or a realisation that I had always been gay, that is not the case but just a gentle gradual sway in that direction which I feel happy with and now only (not very often!) date girls!

    As said here labels are not important as you don't need to define yourself to anyone but some people do find it comforting to 'belong' in a group and feel happy and proud to belong somewhere. One of the things mentioned in the L Word is that sexuality is fluid and can change throughout the life or stay the same. I may one day meet the perfect guy and I wouldn't not give it a go just because I am a lesbian at the moment. It's not that I see it as temporary or a phase just that people can be attractive for different reasons and can surprise you by not fitting your usual type.

    It may help you a bit to watch the L Word if you haven't already as there is a lot about relationship stuff and a few sex scenes. Many women fantasize about the sex part but don't really think about the relationship part or they think it will be better with a girl. This could help you decide if it is just a fantasy. Sure the communication can be much better and arguments are usually better sorted out because women talk more but they can still lie and cheat. Saying that statistically girl/girl couples are supposed to have the highest success rate, probably because of the communication part (or that the sex is so much better hahaha!), much lower rates of domestic violence/abuse and in my experience of friends and ex's less likely to cheat as most women don't just go around having one night stands as much as men! The girls I have known who cheated on ex's it was because they met someone else and then left their current girl for them.

    Sorry I do tend to ramble on (I have nothing else to do!) but just some advice from my experiences with being bi, of course it is all up to you. Whatever you realise or decide (congrats :) )if you do feel you are bi be careful who you choose to tell. It may sound silly but everyone I knew knew and I had no problem with that. But along the way I have put up with people I thought were friends calling me names saying I would sleep with anyone, that I must be promiscuous, greedy, that they didn't trust me with their boyfriends, that I must be easy, that they felt threatened by me and even telling me to make up my mind or grow up! You can't choose! Boyfriends who said it was fine to have flings etc then had a problem with it after (even years later and even though they loved it at the time and encouraged it) and used it as amunition in arguments, guys you meet may have same thoughts about you being easy as it is a common misconception and most will ask for a threesome or to watch yawn! etc. I went out with one guy and he was jealous of everyone and told me I could walk into a room and fancy everyone in there! I explained that it would be unlikely I would fancy anyone there at all but he didn't trust me even though I was faithful.

    I would recommend seeing any other person, male or female, as cheating unless you are comfortable having an open relationship, but that would mean your partner should be allowed to do what they want too which you probably don't want. If not the balance shifts in a relationship, like you can have something they can't and nomatter how OK a guy is with it to start with they can soon have a problem with it down the line and you yourself might even feel bad if you do anything. I would suggest to carry on exploring your thoughts but only explore it in reality if you become single. This doesn't mean it can't stay as a fun fantasy ;)

    If you do decide to have some girl/girl fun it would be easier with a bi girl but then you may not be experiencing real lesbian sex if you see what I mean. Many people have no idea what really goes on between lesbians (and guys; no it is nothing like the socalled lesbian porn you watch! Hahaha!). If it is a lesbian you meet make sure they know you are bi and just after some fun or they could get hurt if they like you for more than that or feel like they are being used.
    I have only realised over the past year how a lot of lesbians view bi girls and it is quite similar to how straight girls and guys view them. Girls I have met would never date or even sleep with a bi girl, nomatter how cute or even if she is single. They have been there done that and worry they are just experimenting and will leave them when a guy comes along or are more likely to cheat, many see cheating with a guy as the ultimate betrayel! Many don't want to risk having the drama of someone who won't 'commit' to being gay or hearing them talk about ex boyfriends and presume that a girl who has the choice of both will always go back to the easier option ie a guy. I have even known some girls say they would never sleep with a girl who has been with even one guy as they see them as dirty!! So this made me think that bi people don't really have a group of their own where they can fit in and be themselves, there are not really bi clubs and both straight and gay people can feel threatened by them and never really accept them ( which of course is crazy but sadly often the case). Even since joining a gay site I have noticed that the girls asking for one night stands are the bi girls, mainly with boyfriends who don't know so it seems that many girls are not doing any favours to the bi girls who are faithful and don't sleep around.

    I felt so much more accepted once I started going out with lesbians as a lesbian and if any of them ask I tell them that I was bi before. Some don't like it, most don't have a problem, some even love the idea of being with a bi or even straight girl in the hope they will win them over be it just for sex or more if they happen to have fallen for a straight girl.

    So that is why I say to be careful who you tell and what you do as I think bi's are the most misunderstood and unaccepted in my experience but of course be yourself and honest to people close to you. Sorry for such a long reply but sexuality is often quite complicated and even confusing to understand so I needed to say a lot! I hope it helps and am here if you have any questions at all nomatter if you think they are silly or personal, I don't mind. :)
  10. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    Wow that was really long, but I found it useful as well. :laugh:

    My boyfriend has told me that no matter if it's a relationship or a fling he wants to meet the person. He has also mentioned that if I become involved with a girl he wants no part in the dates(maybe) and physical aspect. So a committed relationship isn't something that will happen anytime soon if at all.

    My standards for girls I would date are ridiculously high anyway. I've only had one very strong crush on a straight girl who was curious so she flirted a lot but it never went any further.

    I've had one girlfriend ever, who was bi (we both had boyfriends at the time) and it didn't work out because she was very open about it and I was still afraid to come out. She wound up leaving me for her ex.

    I've had bisexual tendencies when I was much younger (stumbling into pictures of naked women would arouse me just as much as men). My babysitter's granddaughter was relatively close to me in age and thinking back on it some of our "playing" was pretty sexual. I've also had gender identity issues often cross dressing (can be excused as being tomboyish) and I still do if I walk outside alone.

    If it counts for anything when my boyfriend and I watch porn it's always lesbian porn (guys in porn always do/say stupid crap) and sometimes while having sex I get disappointed he isn't a girl. I just want to try it once you know? At least. But I'm so afraid it will bother him later even if he promises it's ok now.

    Thank you everyone so much. This has given me so much to think about. :)
  11. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Quoted for truth.
  12. acecoffee

    acecoffee Active Member

    emmm , i dont know what i m either , but few of my friend was honest they do have physical and emotional attached to sames sex but mostly (female ) .

    and for most of the time i m very 'gentleman' if you get what i m saying , not really a girly girl .

    i only had one girlfriend ,but the rest is boyfriend ,then now i just dont want to hold any relationship ,guess i m not ready to take anythng or commitment . but ido have phsyical desire for boys more the girls . but i m emotionally crushes more attached to girls .

    i guess it is normal ,those little moment when you think , i would turn gay/lesibian for her/him !