How do you know when you're actually going to do it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blackness, Jan 15, 2008.

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  1. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    So I've been suicidal for years, well it hasn't been that constant...just thoughts. Like many others here I think about it and plan it in my head alot.
    There a chance coming up for me to do something about it. But I'm scared. How do we prepare ourself for it?
    It's a big difference between having suicidal thoughts and actually going through with ending your life. Then I think about actually doing it. I'm not taking some pissy 'method' this is serious, and nothing I could be saved from. You can't just take me to the hospital and get my stomach pumped if I change my mind or someone finds me. I'm 100% certain it is fool proof, I guess that's the scary part. I think about how it will look, and who I'd want to find me...

    I think about how much I want to die, and how I just can't live like other people do. I hate the way the world works and I have this incredible desire to leave.
    I barely get depressed anymore, sure I still have my 'moments' but they seem to have eased. But I feel the time approaching me quickly. I have no reason to stay. There's a special individual who has helped me alot, and I'll be forever grateful of him, but even that isn't enough. I don't have anyone here, nor a life...anymore, and I feel it's just something I HAVE TO DO.

    But how do we know when we are ready?
    I remember reading some facts about suicidal people, and they warn people around them to look out for them if they happen to go from depressed to happy, this is usually because they know they will die soon and they are at ease within themselves and the world around them.
    Maybe that's me? I feel fine, I feel good, and relaxed.

    Does that mean it's my time? I hope so:)

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Blackness I really don't think there is a set emotion or event that tells you you're ready. Some people plan (I'm 1) some people just "snap" from all the pain,some people just happen across the right situation at a given moment.... so I can't see there being a predetermined sense of knowing or feeling. Personally, I find a calmness before my attempts. But I do believe when it is your time, it will be so and nothing can change that. So I keep trying to "find" my time. Sorry if my ramble doesn't help you.
  4. livingonlight

    livingonlight Active Member

    <I remember reading some facts about suicidal people, and they warn people around them to look out for them if they happen to go from depressed to happy, this is usually because they know they will die soon and they are at ease within themselves and the world around them>

    This is a very scary place to be. It is where I am right now. I'n not in deep depression right now but still wanting to end life. Most of the people I've told think I'm better which is somewhat true. But I know that i could go down hill so fast.

    Another part of my delima is that no one can be with me 24 hrs a day. Not anyone I want to be with anyway, and that was the reason I did not go through with my plans. My friends helped me through it.

    But everybody goes back home and they tell me to call them if I need anything but i don't want to lose them by being so depressing that they give up on me. Plus They can't live my life for me and the same reasons exsist for wanting to die.
  5. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member

    This is so weird. I feel that kindof tranquility too. I don't know if it's because I've taken so much crap off people that I'm desensitised to it, and it doesn't hurt anymore, OR it could be because "it is my time" and I'm going.

    At the moment I feel the pain of living is greater than the pain of death, and it's at this moment when it feels right to leave. The thing which worries me is the aftermath of the suicide.

    I have weird imaginings of what would happen after I kill myself. Teachers find my body in a classroom, call police, see the note clearing anyone of murder and stating my reasons and feelings, my signature to say it's me that's written it...

    Friends and classmates shocked and trying to take a look at my body as it gets taken by paramedics trying in vain to revive me. A few bastards being happy inside.

    Then my parents would get phoned and told by the teachers (bad way to get the news but better than seeing me dead). This is the worst bit. Imagining my mum and dad and brother crying their hearts out. They might even end things for themselves out of sadness or live the rest of their lives in constant grief and pain.

    I would come on the news (under 18s killing themselves are headline material in the UK), so everyone who knew me would know about it. My parents would be wrongly blamed for pressuring me, the media would hound them and ask them insensitive questions.

    When I think about that...
    It holds me back because even if the pain of death might be less than the pain of living, what about the pain caused after you leave?

    Try imagining what it would be like after you die. I thought, ok, it would be fine, but then I imagined people close to me being upset. That's enough to stop me for now.
  6. Alastair

    Alastair Well-Known Member

    i just read this... and your timing is impecable

    perhaps there is truth in that
  7. Letzman

    Letzman Member

    Absolutely there is truth to it.

    I was deceived by my friends happiness and thought he'd finally gotten out of his funk. It was actually because he got to the point where he was resigned to go ahead with his suicide and found a temporary peace from it.

    I didn't know of this fact before he took his life. I never would have imagined that his sudden higher spirits could have been the result of such dark plans. If I'd known & been able to recognize it, perhaps I could have stopped him.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 15, 2008
  8. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    Wow. :nice:
    1st of all..... there are far too many methods available for some(like me) and keeping in mind your chance of failing, you'll know you're ready when you have found something you are truly capable of, or something you see as foolproof-but this requires a level of determination.

    2nd..... only you can see into your own mind for feedback or backup once you've become determined. Deep down you should now know whether you really mean to do anything at all.

    3rd.... Considering all consequences usually means you're using your brain to figure out the next step, like telling someone about your "plan(s)" in order to prepare them or in order to avoid them finding out anything at all.

    That's about it & any imbecile could attempt w/ out any of this info. Unfortunately... that's how I'd plan anything if I were to make "plans", but there would be no happiness, no relief & no peice of mind if I were planning. I'm an impatient person so I'd want to get it over with & be done with it.
  9. 2cents

    2cents Well-Known Member

    this somehow explain the weird feeling that i have last time :eek:hmy:
  10. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    As has already been said; I think it's different for everyone.

    I felt many different things. I was pained and upset because of certain things, but I was happy I'd find release at some point and all the pain would soon be over.

    Sometimes you feel guilt because of the people you'll leave behind, but at the same time; you can't just live for others. It has to be for yourself.

    And other times you feel so worthless and unwanted that you don't even think about anyone ever missing you coz you don't think they will and/or you think they're better-off without you anyways. So you have no guilt about that.

    Sometimes it's a sad feeling, sometimes anger, that this was the only choice you felt you had/have left.

    Unwantedness sometimes, worthlessness sometimes. Like you don't deserve to live anyway.

    There's so many different things that people can feel even at the same time.
  11. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    I think that peace requires you to be completely sure of what you're going to do and when you're going to do it. I read a similar story, written by a police officer about how his partner committed suicide. The man had been battling depression for years, with time his line of work had turned him into a spiteful, bitter person and he began to detest everything about everything. It caught everyone off guard when he showed up at the station with shoes so shiny you could comb your hair in them, neatly pressed clothes and just all-around cheerful. Everyone was pleasantly surprised. At the end of the day he took a cab to the Brooklyn Bridge and killed himself.

    What I'm trying to say is I think if you have to ask yourself if it's time yet, it probably isn't. It's something you decide for yourself and you probably will still dislike the world, it's just the thought "Well, who cares, I don't have to deal with it anymore." that brings that cheerful feeling on. Of course, this is just speculation and I could be wrong. I don't think you should be so eager to end your life at sixteen, you haven't had the chance to actually live yet, to make your own choices and live life the way you want to. It might not get better but it then again it might, you're going to the same place whether you stick around or not, dying now you'll never know what you might have missed.

    It's your life though and I won't pretend to know it better than you do, I just hope you'll give it some thought. Dying is a permanent solution to what could be a temporary problem, With everything we know today about the human body, evidence points to death simply being the end of existence, you wink out. Chances are you aren't going anywhere persay, just vanishing. According to science anyway.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    Well Reki explained it so well, but again, feeling at peace about it, relieved, joyful about it. not contemplating it with excitement ( thats more psychosis in a medical language) but with calmness.
    as for example, but I dont like to generalize everything, the ones who have left that way were perceived as calm, even jotful to their families/friends.thats why, afterwards, the ones left behind struggle with the Whys.because there was no bad feelings about it, no emotions perceived as despair or pain.
    I think this thought wan be verified by the fact that it takes a lot of courage in itself ( in the act of actually doing it and not only planning and contemplating it) to shot your brains out, to jump off a cliff or a train or to hang yourself. thats why the Alives dont get it. The mind knows when you are ready, the mind in itself and contemplats it with calmness and peace. its not you who knows it. its beyond the body ( which stops struggling).
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