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How do you look past peoples flaws?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ravens, Aug 27, 2013.

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  1. ravens

    ravens Well-Known Member

    How do you do it? Im always thinking about the negative things about people, myself, my parents, my siblings, my friends. Everyone. I think of them and seem to mostly focus on the negative side of people(including myself), which leads me to not like people, even my own family members or friends. It seems like I dont even like them a lot of the time. I take them for granted and I know thus but I still think this way. My thinking is screwed up. Is it as simple as trying to focus on the good things? I think it might just take a lot of time for me to rewire my thinking patterns? Surely I cannot life a good life disliking my friends and family a lot of the time.
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    I'm wondering first, beyond the initial question, if this happened to you when you were younger? That people kept saying "you did this wrong/that wrong, you have the wrong approach etc", to the point it made you think that way about yourself (as a precursor to then reflecting that into what you do to see their flaws).

    However, what you might see as their flaws, doesn't make them any less of a person. You might not agree with some of the things they say/do, and that is only human, but where everyone has their flaws, (ie, nobody's perfect), isn't that likely to form a "negative association" between you and them?

    Looking past peoples flaws is, in my opinion, a state of acceptance. If you find that you can accept a person for how they are regardless of the flaws that they show, then maybe that could reduce the thinking slightly? Dwelling on other people's flaws isn't going to change them. That's for them to accept and work with, or work to changing.

    *sorry if that sounded critical*
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think fighting_the_tide has made some good points.

    Being criticized when we are young teaches us that we are unworthy/bad and that criticism is an acceptable way to communicate with people. It's when we're older that we realize it doesn't work well.

    I think we are more able to accept others when we are able to accept ourselves with our good qualities and our imperfections. If we're not perfect and don't expect to be perfect, it's a little harder to expect it of others. I find that when I look for the good in people and situations, I can usually find it. Sometimes it's hard to find...but when I do, I try to focus on that (within reason, of course. If someone is being horrible, it's ridiculous to think, "Oh, but they tell great jokes!"). I guess what I mean is I consciously try to look for the positive rather than the negative...Dunno if that makes sense.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Depends on what kind of flaws they are. If the people are mean, rude, prone to lie or anything like that, I wouldn't associate with them. If it's something smaller, then I just remember they are human too, and if they can accept me for who I am with all of my faults, then I can accept them for who they are.
  5. mechanic

    mechanic Member

    I know where you are coming from with this post, for many years I could only see peoples flaws including my family. Until last year I started going through some pretty shit times, the support from my friends and family was overwhelming and since then I have seen them all as huge assets to me as a person. however when it comes to new and unfamiliar people lovers included I still cant get past the flaws, it makes functioning outside of a comfort zone very difficult.
    I think fighting the tide could be right about the effects of being criticised at a young age, objectively I can see that I was criticised for the right reasons but it was too much too soon.
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